You all know what happens when I find nothing worth writing about on any given day on this ridiculous blog. Yep….gobbledgook. Such is the case today when I searched the web and nothing caught my interest. Which frustrated me to no end. Why? Because it’s my suspicion that no one runs the Internet on weekends. Therefore the same news you read on the Internet on Friday is the same news you read again on Sunday.
So, with nothing to spark my creative juices, such as Tropicana or Minute Maid, or prune juice, which keeps a lot of older people spiked up and moving, I let my mind wander and thought about what it is I would have been if I wasn’t what I am now. Which actually is nothing, other than retired and a lazy slug. AND….not making a living outta doing this stuff.
Which tends to piss me off considering the only thing I actually did find was in “Parade” magazine about a couple of women making stuff at home and selling it and making big bucks.
I could actually do that but the only thing I can make that’s creative is this stinkin’ blog and in four years all I’ve made is $35 dollars. Go figure.
Considering, in my lifetime I’ve done the following things: Driven a taxi cab, worked in a factory that made Spandex, (you fat people who love wearing Spandex can thank me later) flipped hamburgers at one of the very first “Burger Chef Restaurants,” (ate quite a few of them too) drove a taxi again, landed my first job as a disc jockey, drove taxi again, landed my second job as a disc jockey, drove taxi again, and…well, you get the picture.
So it amounted to 30 years of being a disc jockey and driving taxi in between. Learned a lot from those two jobs. One, you can make a quick buck driving a taxi, and two, you can make no bucks being a disc jockey. Oh yeah, and that a lot of hookers take taxis. Which is one reason I’m slightly perverted today. From being a disc jockey.
Actually it’s from swapping services, (hookers) for the taxi fare. Better to get something outta the deal than nothing. My motto.
Then one of my ex wives (26)…um…..no, only two, but it sure as hell felt like I had 26 of them, prodded me to work for the telephone company. She hated radio broadcasting and taxis. Most likely because she knew there were hookers out there and radio disc jockeys are happy-go-lucky people, and we all know no woman wants any guy that’s married to be happy-go-lucky. Not even just plain happy.
But I fooled her. HAH! I got fired from that phone company job after four long tedious nightmarish years, (I still have nightmares about being strangled by a spiral phone cord) and pissed her off and she divorced me. My plan worked.
NOTE: It might have been that “I” was strangling HER with that telephone cord.
Back to taxi driving again and radio in between.
So then after fully retiring from broadcasting I fell back on my safety net, driving taxi once again, meeting new hookers, and then a stint at dispatching at AAA, (the motor club) but they were really idiots and treated their employees like they were in the Gestapo, so I quit and joined the actual Gestapo. Not really, but if they still existed, I could have by what I learned at AAA.
Soooo, once again to driving taxi, then, considering all those hookers were now my age, I opted to drive a limo for a casino, (higher priced and younger hookers) and did so for eight years. And then….SHAZAM! it was time to actually retire, (couldn’t swap hooker services in a limo because there’s no money involved….just comp points) so what the hell was I gonna do with comp points. So, I retired.
So I began to wonder what would I be today if I hadn’t done all of that taxi/radio/hooker and other stuff in between.
I thought that one of my choices would have been a cat burglar. I love cats, have three of my own now, and I’m just as stealthy as they are. Cept I have a fear of heights. Which means that career would have been out of the question. Unless I just cat burgled places on the first floor. Considering most people hide their money and jewelry on second floors, like bedrooms, that was not an option for me.
My second choice would have been a jockey. You know, the kind that ride horses in races. But, I never had a solid rock stomach and figured if I was in a horse race and had to suddenly go to the bathroom with all that bouncing around going on I’d be screwed. I’d be getting off that horse in the final stretch and running for the nearest bathroom. Thereby pissing off big time bettors who placed big bucks on my horse, who then would have put a contract out on me.
The only other thing I considered doing was writing comedy. Which I actually did while I was a disc jockey, but, only for radio routines and never for publication. So, I said to myself, “Misfit, you could make a gazillion trillion bazillion dollars writing comedy.” But, back then the Internet wasn’t around, and neither was “spell check.” So, again, I was basically screwed.
Who was gonna laugh at any of my comedy writings when all of it was on the sides of buildings in graffiti form. Besides, I quit doing that when one of the other graffiti artists pointed out that I was spelling the word F**K wrong. That it was NOT spelled “FUC.” I was totally embarrassed, so I stopped writing.
But, all in all I DID eventually become a writer. Thanks to “spell check” and the Internet. However, had I chosen to take up that profession many years ago, I most likely would have failed and found myself back driving taxi again.
Evidenced by the fact that none of my two books were ever bought by anyone so I never made any money off of any of them. Nor, as I’ve said a million times, writing this blog either.
Which leads me to conclude that I should have just stuck to that one career I was quite successful at….driving a taxi.
Or, one final option that I might have been successful at………..
running a house of ill repute considering the all the hookers I met on a nightly basis.
OR…..a taxi of ill repute.
HEY! If fast food restaurants can have a drive thru, why not hookers!
Damn….hope there’s some news to write about tomorrow.
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