It’s totally disgusting I tell ya….totally disgusting. Here’s a guy in jail for major crimes and now he gets caught stealing over a dozen oatmeal cookies. Obviously this guy is looking to do some really hard time with that offense. Stealing or assaulting a cookie is a major crime buddy.
You just can’t go around stealing oatmeal cookies and not expect to have the cookbook thrown at ya. Nope….serious stuff here folks. Enough to even make the headlines in a few newspapers and on Fox News.
We’re of course talking about O. J. Simpson who is currently serving a 33-year sentence for armed robbery at Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada. Yep, 33 years for armed robbery and now most likely will have another 33 years added to that sentence for ripping off oatmeal cookies.
Ohhhhhh the deprivation of it all. When will all this abuse of innocent cookies stop?
Now you’d think that Simpson would have been a bit more careful when it came to stealing those cookies. Maybe, upon noticing that the guards were noticing him stuffing something under his shirt, that he may have simply shoved all of those cookies into his mouth and destroyed the evidence.
Worked for me after I got caught stealing chocolate chip cookies from my next door neighbor’s cookie jar. Um, actually I didn’t give a rats ass about the cookies, I just wanted to get a glimpse of my hot looking next door neighbor. But, I ate the cookies too. After my other half caught me peeping thru that window. Only to convince her I was actually there for the cookies.
But, apparently O.J. wasn’t that smart. Not only that, but he had a goofy looking grin on his face. Which prison screws know means that you’re up to something, so they immediately searched him.
“Ok O.J….we’re gonna search ya. So ya better cooperate. Do ya understand?”
“Yes officer, I understand.”
“And wipe that grin off of our face, along with those cookie crumbs. OK…..Marvin, strip search him.”
“Hmmm, (plunk)…. sawed off shotgun. (clank)…..two shivs made out of tooth brushes. (slam) A bootleg copy of Martha Stewart Magazine. (bounce) Several gummy bears which apparently look like they’ve been gummed. OMG!!! A naked photo of Peyton Manning! Um, other than that Sarge, nothing too suspicious here.”
“Yeah, well where’d all those cookie crumbs on the floor come from? Check his undershirt.”
“HAH! You were right Sarge. Contraband! Look…..two dozen oatmeal cookies. You no good rotten bastard….what the hell were ya gonna do with them O.J. ya damn SOB. Something despicable I betcha.”
Thank Gawd the guards spotted O.J. acting suspiciously and prevented a major incident from occurring. Who knows what he would have done with those cookies. Maybe…(gasp) even have eaten them. WORSE…..maybe not even sharing them with the other inmates.
Fox News Radio, which was right on top of this earth shattering news event stated that, “When the guard started pulling cookies out of O.J.’s shirt, the other inmates started laughing so heard they nearly fell over.”
Gotta give a lot of credit to Fox News for being right on top of this story. Otherwise we’d never be aware of what happened to those missing cookies once the story broke about missing oatmeal cookies at the Lovelock Correctional Center.
Thank Gawd it was nailed in the bud. Thank you Fox News. We can all rest peacefully now knowing that major cookie crime in prisons has been thwarted.
I for one can rest comfortably knowing that cookies across our vast country will be safe once again from the jaws of crime…….or O.J. Simpsons jaws.
Ernie Keebler and Juice Newton….um….sorry, I meant the Fig Newton company can also breathe a sigh of relief. Unless Fox uncovers yet another cookie scandal.
BUT….all that said, and the fact that we can all rest comfortably knowing that O.J. Simpson will pay for his cookie crime, I think we need to carry this a step further….jsssssst to be on the safe side.
Any prison which strictly houses women prisoners should take a hint from those guards at the Lovelock Correctional Center and begin immediate strip searches of their women inmates.
Only because there may be a remote chance that some of those women inmates may have been former Girl Scouts and may presently have Girl Scout Thin Mint cookie addictions and may be stashing them in their shirts and pants as well.
Better jump on that story while it’s hot Fox. Might be the next headline scoop of the year for ya. Next to the O.J. Simpson oatmeal cookie ripoff headline.
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