Ran out to my local convenience store last night, um, actually I drove, it’s a bit to far to run, and picked up what I needed, walked over the counter, handed my stuff to the cashier and she said, “Want fries with that?”
I said, HUH?
She replied, “I just get tired of saying the same old thing all the time to customers.”
Which led me to think of all those short abbreviated phrases we tend to use on social networks. And other things we say to people just for the sake of trivial conversation.
So, the both of us went on and on, much to the dismay of the other people waiting in line that were saying to themselves, WTF!
Like what is it you really wanna say to people in various situations. Other than on social media sites. Like in real life without those abbreviations or just to make conversation.
You know what I’m talking about. You come across someone and they say, “How ya doin’?
And the standard reply is, “Fine, and you.”
Well, it’s about time we stop all this nicey nicey stuff and say it like it is.
“So, how ya doin’?”
“WTF do you give a rats ass how I’m doin’. Cripes, I just came in here to buy a loaf of freakin’ bread and now ya wanna get into my life. Who the f**k are you to care how the hell I’m doin’. Screw off ya jerk and ring up my loaf of bread.”
Kinda livens up the day too. Otherwise buying a loaf of bread is kind of dull.
Or, you’re in an elevator where most people either ignore you, stare at the ceiling, the floor numbers or hum some stupid song.
Perk up things a bit.
“OMG, did you know that if one of these elevator cables snaps we’ll all go plunging to our deaths at about 60 mph and wind up like windshield wiper bugs.”
Usually the rest of the elevator ride is in silence with the exception of some old lady who whipped out her rosary beads and is praying while her husband looks at you and mutters something that sounds like “a**hole”…..and usually is.
My favorite is when I come across a couple of nuns at a grocery store selling something to benefit their local church, “Our Lady of Extreme Misery.’
I’ll say to them, “Hey, ya following baseball this season? Bet you’re rooting for the Cardinals..heh heh.”
Most of the time I just can’t help myself. I will seize the moment even if it gets me in trouble. It’s a sickness. My other half continually jabs me with her elbow in my ribs when I come out with something. She absolutely has no sense of humor. Or, just doesn’t wanna get beaten to a pulp by some guy who thinks what I said wasn’t funny. I keep telling her to run like hell, but she doesn’t.
Like the times I yell outta my truck window at some road hog or someone who cuts me off.
“Hey, yer mother wears combat boots and you’re so ugly yer mother had to tie a bone around your neck when you were a kid so that the dog would play with you.”
I only use that last one if it’s an old lady around 65 or so driving an old Gremlin. I’m not that stupid ya know. Besides, I have a six cylinder truck and anybody with a V8 could catch me, beat me to a bloody pulp, and have their dog crap on me.
But that cashier in the store is right. Don’t ya get tired of saying the same stuff over and over.
Be a bit creative for cripes sake.
If you’re Catholic, you know the confession routine very well. “Forgive me Fadder, for I have sinned.”
Be creative for a change. “Forgive me Fadder, for I have sinned, BUT…I really enjoyed sinning and I’ll most likely be back here again next week with a whole new set of great sins.”
“Misfit….is that you?”
“Look, just accept the fact that you’re going straight to Hell and don’t bother coming back here. And if you do, for Gawd’s sake don’t be reading Playboy Magazine while you’re sitting in the pew waiting to go into the confessional.”
I for one always wanted to throw a banana into one of those toll both change collection thingys, then…peel out. Heh, heh. Give em the old slip if ya catch my drift.
As long as we’re talkin’ about being creative and honest here, you know what’s next on my list. The ol, “Dear, does this dress make me look fat?” Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I bring this up because women insist on asking us that question knowing damn well that men do not have a death wish and are gonna lie. BUT….for once….just one time we men need to stand up for all mankind and say it like it is.
I suggest that the one man that’s gonna do that is either itching for a divorce, hates sex, is considering Hari Kari or his doctor just told him he has 24 hours to live. Either way pal, do it and then have someone post your obit on Facebook. You’ll die a hero.
Maybe even get a statue erected in your honor.
So in conclusion, think out of the box the next time you encounter a situation where you have an opportunity to be creative….and live to tell about it afterwards.
The one exception…….never joke around with some guy named “Jack” on an airplane by yelling out his name from the other end of other aisle…”Hi Jack!” Then realize how funny that sounded considering planes get hijacked, and continue to make a big deal out of how funny you thought that was and continue to say, “Ha ha ha ha…Hi Jack…ha ha ha…did ya all get that….he ha…Hi Jack!”
Because the next funny creative thing outta your mouth is gonna be…….”Graznup…floxkuzzz….rospupp!!!!” as the air marshalls taze your butt…..and laugh as they’re doing it.
Hmmm….I guess sometimes ya just have to figure if getting air marshalls to actually laugh is worth it.
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