I think I may have missed my calling. Might have been that one time my phone was disconnected for non-payment many years ago when I was a fledgling disc jockey.
However, now that I’m a lot older, and still fledgling, I think I may have found my calling. Yep, I should have been a preacher. What with all of the nonsense I preach here on a daily basis I could be a shoo in to form my own church, have a huge congregation, and rake in the big alms bucks.
Now why did this all of a sudden hit me? Because, in a spiritual moment, I came across a spiritual story about a new TV show on the “Oxygen” channel called, “Preachers of L.A.”
So, being of a curious nature, I decided to check out the premise of this show. Thinking perhaps it was about L.A. preachers who go out and save poor wayward souls such as myself and help us to repent and see da light.
In my case it usually takes a 100 watt bulb.
But, alas, again I was mistaken. The show IS about preachers in L.A. but not necessarily about them saving us poor souls. More like how preachers are clearly enjoying the good life by having what “ABC News Nightline” calls, “star power.”
YES…..be a preacher and have “star power” and you get your own TV show and rake in those big bucks. Oh Gawd…..where did I goith wrong?
Already the show is generating controversy before the first episode is aired. Text messages from God himself are pretty terse.
Not really, but I think God, if he could actually send text messages, would be kinda pissed off if he knew these preachers were making money, fame and fortune off of preaching. We all know that no preacher EVER makes any money preaching. Don’t we?
Some church groups are already denouncing it and have even started an online petition against it. I think God signed it first.
Minister Dietrick Haddon spoke out by saying, “Lost souls, everybody is lost. L.A. is where all the lost angels are.” As evidenced in the movie “City of Angels” starring Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan.
I have no idea what he means by that but you know how preachers tend to talk in strange words. Which is why I never got involved with preachers preaching stuff to me. Actually, it was Dusty Springfield’s song, “Son of a Preacher Man” that kind of made me a bit leery about preachers.
You may recall that Dusty said that the preacher’s kid taught her a lot of stuff. None of which had to do with preaching. Unless you count those, “Oh Gawd….Oh Gawd!” screams by Dusty when she was out there with the preacher’s son in that haystack in the barn.
So who are these new L.A preachers?
Well, there’s Ron Gibson, the bishop who used to be a gang-banger, who says, “I’m bringing the Lord with me. BUT…just in case, I’m bringing the Glock.”
HAH! A pistol packin’ preacher! Repent suckers or I’ll blow yer freakin’ head off.
Then there’s Bishop Clarence McClendon who was quoted as saying, “If you want my ministry, then you want me, and I come with my team. I need my men around me.”
Like perhaps Guido, Enunzio, Giovanni and Elmo who willa breaka your knuckles if youse do not repent.
And Jay Haizlip, who is the tattooed senior pastor at the “Sanctuary Church” who’s a professional skateboarder and says that, “God has taken a skateboard and turned it into a pulpit.”
God was a skateboarder? Damn….the things ya learn on the Internet.
Soooo……most likely God did not walk on water but skateboarded on it.
My favorite preacher that ABC interviewed has to be Bishop Noel Jones, from L.A., who is the brother of Jamaican singer Grace Jones. (no relation to Spike Jones)
Bishop Jones says that one of his human frailties is a weakness for fast cars. And the show suggests that he’s a bit of a ladies man as well. Which, as I always say, is a great combination if you’re gonna be a preacher.
“Come here baybeee…gimmie a biggg kiss.. (SMOOCH)…ok…you is saved.”
Jones goes on to say, “Of course women throw themselves at you in this business. When you get to my age, you think why can’t I have some fun? I like going fast in my cars. It’s about being successful.”
YES…..I agree with you Bishop Jones. My thoughts exactly. Please….please…preach to me more so I can get on this preacher bandwagon…what else pray tell?
Jones goes on to say, “My message is to promote people to move in whatever their gifts are. And to operate intensely and to be appreciative of the opportunity, not only of life, but of being gifted. That’s my message. You come in naked. You’re going to leave naked. Oprah came in naked. Steve Jobs came in naked. But Steve Jobs left naked. And everything in between really doesn’t belong to you.”
Sooo. I guess what he’s saying is that if you walk into his church naked, you’re going to leave naked, but if you’re into computers and stuff, you’re going to leave really naked, unlike Oprah who left somewhat naked but got dressed later on.
Hey….it’s the best I could do figuring out that preacher talk.
So basically I’m assuming that these L.A. preachers have seen da light and are now going to help other people see the light, even though they may have some frailties in their own lives, (wild women, fast cars, money etc) but will help YOU get over that.
By perhaps giving them whatever evils you have so that you’re not consumed by guilt by having them, thereby freeing you of any sin, and allowing them to take those sin thingys off of your hands, and into theirs.
Sounds like a great deal to me.
Which is why I’m considering forming the “MisfitWisdom Church of Continuing Agony.” My motto, “Give me your possessions, your wealth and your sinning women and I will free you all by wallowing in your sin, (behind closed doors) and you will be forever saved from the wicked life you have led.”
Which basically means I am willing to go straight to hell, or L.A., with my own TV show, and accept full responsibility for all of your sins.
This new reality show, “Preachers of L.A.” debuts next month on the “Oxygen” channel.”
Bless you my children. May the “Schwartz” be with you. (Mel Brooks and I think alike)
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