SEX,SEX,SEX,…..Um…Do I Have Your Attention Now?

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My other half caught me again writing another blog about sex

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. “I” do NOT write these constant articles about sex. Other people do. I just expand on it a bit……when it’s a slow news day. AND, as I’ve said many times before, it sure as hell boosts my blog readership on any given day.

Which basically means that I have a lot of perverts reading my blog, OR, there’s a lot of people who just like reading stories about sex. Which leads me to believe that instead of writing this stupid blog every day, I should be writing porno sex novels.

However, at my age, just writing about sex tires me out. Never mind doing it constantly. Which, being Italian, I actually could do without tiring, but, my other half threatened to kill me if I so much as attempt it. Her background is German and Austrian, and you know how THOSE people never have time for sex what with all that skiing down mountains and milking goats stuff.

So I’m basically just passing today’s information on to all of you as a public service, rather than using it myself. At least until I master the art of hypnosis or find a really good drug to slip into my other half’s goat milk drink.

So, if you’re having problems with arousal or sex problems in general, read on.

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Yet another reason to read today’s blog

Today’s sex tips come from “Oprah.com” and the heading of the article was, “How To Get In The Mood For Sex.” My first guess would to be naked. My second guess, the same as the first, get naked.

But here’s what really does the trick.

“If you have 5 minutes, put on…..socks.” Most likely because we always see porno movies with the guys still wearing their socks. Or, we think of Bill Clinton’s cat, “Socks,” which then leads us to think about Monica Lewinsky, which in turn leads us to think about sex, (which Clinton actually did not have..heh, heh,) and then we get in the mood for sex.

The article states that researchers, (those guys with white lab coats locked away for days in a windowless room) have found that warming up the feet leads to warming up other parts of the body. The area of brain associated with genital sensation is right next-door to the one associated with feeling in the feet, according to Daniel G. Amen, MD, in his book, “Unleash the Power of the Female Brain.”

The premise is, when our feet are cold, it’s harder for us to feel comfortable enough to let go in bed. In an orgasm study at the University of Groningen, half the couples were unable to make it to climax, but once socks were offered, the success rate shot to 80 percent.

(NOTE) stock up on socks next time we go to J.C. Penny.sex3

“If you have an hour, go to the gym.” HUH?

(reading article)

Oh sure…now I know why my other half went to the gym three times a week. The ol cats outta the bag now honeeee. (Pay attention here folks. This is mind-boggling.)

According to Debby Herbenick, (not the one who did Dallas) another one of those research scientists at Indiana University and the author of “Sex Made Easy,” (1 cup sugar, two teaspoons pot, and one crushed Viagra pill) all those exercises women do at the gym is connected to sex. Like using the “captain’s chair” which lifts your lower body by contracting the obliques and pelvic muscles. Spinning, which causes friction between the bike seat and the pelvis. Yoga, which improves mind-body awareness as well as rope climbing.

(NOTE) put captain’s chair in the bedroom…um…..ok…in EVERY room. Buy some bike seats. Post pictures of former Yankee’s catcher Yogi Berra all over the place, and have rope available within reach.

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My last visit before they banned me and cancelled my membership

“If you have a week….make time for cheeky daydreams.” Laurie Mintz, PhD, and a professor of psychology at the University of Florida says that planning ahead for sex is a great idea. I myself do that on a daily basis while my other half plans ahead on how to avoid me.

According to Mintz, it’s the power of anticipation. As sung in that great song by Carly Simon. When you anticipate sex and then REALLY anticipate sex you’ll experience significant improvements in desire, arousal, satisfaction and quality of orgasms. Such was the case in women who read her book, “The Journal of Counseling Psychology” that had desires that lasted for weeks.

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Anticipation

Hmmm. Is it me or should I cancel my subscription to Playboy Magazine and subscribe to a bunch of Counseling Psychology Journals. Wonder if they have scientific centerfolds.

“If you have two weeks….replace your rocket pocket.” (scientific lingo for a vibrator I guess)

I’m beginning to think that scientists get off on watching rockets take off.

Anyhow, according to these perverted scientists and documented research, more than half of women ages 18 to 60 use vibrators. Researcher Herbernick and her colleagues at Indiana University have found that women who had used a vibrator in the past month all had smiles on their faces.

Um…no…sorry, that’s not correct. It should read, “women who had used vibrators in the past month reported significantly higher levels of desire and arousal than those who hadn’t.”

But, because many of those vibrators contain high concentrations of phthalates, industrial chemicals that make plastic soft and pliable, it could lead to serious health problems. So, if you wanna keep that smile on your face, it’s recommended you put a condom over your vibrator or upgrading, (as in buying a new computer or iPhone) to one made of medical-grade silicone, glass or metal.

Or….you could be completely chemical free and use a real live 100% male vibrator….which all males have, and is condom compatible. How neat is that. Comes with an accompanying smile as well.

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Actual vibrator…services two purposes. Pleasure or flipping the bird to someone when you get caught using it

Finally, “If you have 30 days, sample Asian medicine that’s been backed by Western science.” Which basically means eat a lot of Chinese food I guess.

Well, maybe that, but it actually means  some Asian medicines for centuries have acted as sex enhancers as well as boosting immunity and creating a general sense of well-being. Stuff like Korean red ginseng extract seem to improve levels of arousal. One over the counter product is “ArginMax” which contains ginkgo to improve blood supply which is important for physical arousal and has been recommended by some medical professionals. However, consult your doctor before trying this stuff as it can interact with other medications.

Might wanna try eating Chinese, Japanese, Korean or other Asian food first. Can’t hurt. HEY…gets ya outta the house and into some really great Asian restaurants under the premise that if your other half takes you there you might get aroused because you read about it in this blog.

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When all else fails

So you could play it both ways. If you really like Asian food, but don’t get to eat out there that much, use the sex angle.

“Dear, can we have Asian food tonight at “Foo-ling-you’s” restaurant?”

“Noooo problem honeee. After that last romp we had in bed after eating there with all those fortune cookies spread all over the bed, that great gym seat trick ya pulled and that cute vibrator with a condom on it, I’m ready to eat out.”

Ah so…..

Just sayin.”

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to SEX,SEX,SEX,…..Um…Do I Have Your Attention Now?

  1. Katy says:

    This is definitely Google-bait. Funny Google-bait, but Google-bait just the same.
    There have been times with my blog where I had a sex-related title and realized I had to up my game on the writing side of things because of the inevitable jump in readers that was about to happen. The people who stop by for those titles never seem to comment or stay, though…

    Maybe they’d stick around if I had the kind of research backing my posts that you do. Oprah.com can’t steer you wrong, sexually speaking!

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