The Unbelievable Hot Dog Ketchup Scandal


The Great Mustard Ketchup Debate

In the course of my useless non productive life and careers I have had the pleasure of being fired for a number of things. Most of them because I was too creative for my time, which always led a lot of people to say to me, “Hey, you’re way ahead of your time.”

However, even though I set my watch back, so that I would NOT be ahead of my time, and even used old calendars, I still got fired. But, I never got fired for using ketchup, as did Charley Marcuse, the “Detroit Tigers” singing hot dog vendor who was fired last week in what I call, “The Unbelievable Hot Dog Ketchup Scandal.”

Now Charley has been singing about hot dogs after 15 years of sausage singing at “Comerica Park” and before that at “Tiger Stadium.”


Hot dawgs here….get yer hot dawgs here…..and don’t ask for any ketchup ya damn dummies

Frankly, no pun intended, if I had to sing about hot dogs for 15 years I would have committed Hari Kari by now. Or, begged to be fired. In my opinion, just how many songs can ya sing about hot dogs.

But, I guess if you’re trying to make a living selling hot dogs to a bunch of baseball fans, you might as well “spice” things up with a song or two….or ketchup. Um….well, maybe not that last one. Because ketchup is what may have gotten Charley fired.

Go figure.


Yeah…but did ya want ketchup or mustard colored one?

Apparently there is an unwritten rule somewhere that only mustard can be used on a hot dog. Which has caused a lot of animosity between the mustard-only hot dog fanatics and those who would rather use ketchup on their dogs.

Obviously a problem the United Nations needs to look into. Lest we have a full-scale mustard ketchup confrontation break out.

Now Marcuse hates ketchup. And has pushed his crusade for only putting mustard on a hot dog by posting his feelings on Twitter. On top of that, when a fan asks, (gasp) for ketchup for their dog while attending a game, Charley gets combative.

“WHAT! Are you nucking futs pal. You want ketchup on a freakin’ hot dog. What the hell, are you un-American or somethin’ Get the hell out of this ball park you damn idiot. Go to a #*^$#!! soccer game you damn jerk.”

(I’m assuming ketchup is ok to put on hot dogs at soccer games as there have been no reports of ketchup-mustard incidents there)


Well done please

Asked whether condiments (ketchup) was actually behind his dismissal, he gave a vague answer:

“It was general employee conduct. I’ve vended the same way for the past 15 years, so there’s nothing new to any of this.”

Unless……unless……Garrison Keillor from “Prairie Home Companion” was at that last baseball game, asked for ketchup, and Charley denied it to him, and then, Keillor filed a ketchup complaint.

You all know of course from listening to “Prairie Home Companion” that one of the sponsors of that show is the “National Ketchup Council” and to deny Keillor ketchup at a baseball game would have been the last straw.


I feel a lot safer now

But, Charley has a lot of allies in baseball fans, to whom hot dogs are a long-standing tradition and to whom mustard-only is a core value of their belief system. Marcuse told the Detroit News that he did actually carry ketchup at games but only because he was required to, not because he wanted to.

Furthermore, he even has his own line of mustard called, “Charley’s Ballpark Mustard” which is carried by many area grocers. Which, to me, further proves that Charley is discriminating against ketchup and ketchup users.charley 1

However, being of the mustard hot dog frame of mind myself, I tend to agree with him. AND….I actually live with one of those fanatics that puts ketchup on a damn hot dog. Ohhhhhh the deprivation of it all. (I never take her to baseball games)

Except for that one time at “Fenway Park” when we ordered two hot dogs, she put ketchup on hers, and we were booed by several thousand fans and the hot dog vendor. It was either that, or they were booing A-Rod. can’t be too sure. But, we did manage to escape with our lives….and the dogs.

To make matters even worse, the “National Hot Dog and Sausage Council” supports him as well. In its official “Hot Dog Etiquette” guidelines, the council writes, “Don’t use ketchup on your hot dog after the age of 18.”

This is extremely bad news for my other half. Because it means I will NEVER take her to another Red Sox game at Fenway Park ever again. Lest we be beaten to a bloody plup. Or, doused with ketchup to make it look like we were beaten to a bloody pulp. Which is always good for effect if I wanted to sue those bastards.ketchup1

I agree that mustard should only be used on hot dogs, but, that said, I’d still have to support my other half. otherwise SHE’D beat me to a bloody pulp.

In this article by reporter Mike Oz, (no relation to that Wizard guy) he says, “It goes without saying that this could escalate the feud between the mustard-only activists and ketchup toleraters to critical levels. Relish has already reportedly moved to the other end of the condiment bar so that it doesn’t suffer any collateral damage should the two sides start squirting at each other.”

A messy proposition if ya ask me.

Oz goes on to say, that in light of the recent talks on Syria and the settlement proposed by Russian President Vladimir Putin, perhaps he could be able to help negotiate a peaceful resolution.

Might wanna consider asking Secretary of State John Kerry’s wife to participate in this discussion as well. After all, she is heir to the Heinz fortune. AND…..they do make both products.


To dog…..


or not to dog…..

Hmmm. People….people….why can’t we all just get along. Perhaps mixing both mustard and ketchup on your dogs would solve the problem. HEY! If relish can get along with both mustard and ketchup, what the hell is the problem.

As for Charley, get a freakin’ grip. Cut some slack to those ketchup people. I know you’ve filed a grievance against your employer on your dismissal, but, before you go before that board, check out to see who uses mustard and who uses ketchup on their dogs.


Why hot dogs are always nice and tender

If you’re outnumbered by ketchup users, give it up and either go to another ballpark, or, open your own hot dog stand.

Or, better yet, forget the dogs and open a bagel stand.

Nobody in their right mind puts mustard or ketchup on a bagel. Cept maybe Validimir Putin.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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