“iVillage” must think that we’re all a bunch of sexed crazed dummies. Once again they’ve put out a list of “20 Kinky Things You SO Can Do in Bed.” Besides just getting a good nights sleep that is. Which at my age, IS kinky.
So I contemplated either writing a story about 1 million cockroaches that escaped from a research facility in China this past weekend, or the kinky sex stuff. I guess you can figure out which one I decided to go with. Only because cockroaches freak me out.
So, and I’ll try to be as brief as I can because there are 20 of their suggestions, although I only counted 19, and it would take me forever to go into depth with each one. (for the complete breakdown of why “iVillage” says these should spice up your sex life, go to their web site “iVillage.com)
1. Get spanked. Yep, apparently they think that if spanking is involved in a sexual relationship it’s kinky. I don’t get it. Having been spanked as a child for doing something wrong NEVER made me think about sex. Just getting the hell outta the house….fast.
2. Let him tie you up. Oh sure. May work in some cases, but suppose he really wants to loot your purse and run off with your credit cards with some bimbo parked outside in your driveway. Be verrrry careful with this suggestion.
3. Watch porn together. Might work. But in my house watching porn together consists of watching a Red Sox baseball game and Big Papi scratching his balls while at bat. Seems to stimulate my other half.
4. Film it. Meaning that when you’re having sex you should film it. Then you can always watch it later as a turn on, or, as in the case of Anthony Weiner, post it on “Twitter” for the hell of it just as long as you’re not planning to run for any public office.
5. Role play. They suggest that your spouse dress up as that sexy librarian. Would work for me too, except the librarian at my local library is some old 65 year-old spinster with her hair up in a bun who always looks kinda grumpy. Definitely would not conjure up sexual images for me.
6. Go behind the scenes. (yuk) They’re referring to anal sex which DOES NOT appeal to me personally at all. HEY! If God wanted people to have anal sex he would have put our asses in front instead of behind. My theory anyhow.
7. Put a mirror over your bed. WHAT! I don’t EVEN wanna see what the hell I look like naked. It’s traumatic enough looking in the mirror after getting out of the shower..
8. Use remote controls. Like a remote-controlled vibrator I guess. Or maybe a remote-controlled robot in case you’re married to a real ugly woman and need it to take your place.
9. Make it a happy ending. From what I could determine out of this suggestion they mean that neither partner should be left high and dry. So all endings should be happy….as in…..was it good for you too dear.
10. Find the “G” spot together. Ah yes. That elusive “G” spot that most men can’t find. Like trying to figure out the “Da Vinci Code.” So, they suggest you both try to find it together. However, my theory is that if SHE can’t even find it, how the hell are you gonna find it? So, just give up and go with the ol clitoris route. No alphabet letter needed there guys.
11. Read an erotic story. Might work depending on your choice of which erotic story to read. Not for me however. My other half always reads in bed at night so that she can fall asleep when her eyes get heavy, so what the hell do ya think reading an erotic story is gonna do for me? Me being all hot and erotic and her sleeping.
12. Stimulate his perineum. NO…..I’m NOT gonna get into this one. Look up “perineum” in your “Funk and Wagnells” if ya wanna know that the hell that area is.
13. Talk dirty. Which reminds me of that joke of the old husband and wife seniors in bed at night and the conversation goes like this:
14. Play with ice cubes. Oh sure. You’re supposed to run ice cubes over each others bodies and that’s gonna really turn ya on. With my other half keeping the damn thermostat on 65 in the winter do ya think I want freakin’ ice cubes rubbed all over my body? I know, you’re thinking that perhaps during those hot steamy summer nights. OH YEAH! Then what the hell do I use for my drinks ya dummies.
15. Do it with your clothes on. My question is…..why? If I wanna have sex with my clothes on does that mean I can do it in a Wal-Mart aisle or something? Otherwise what the hell is the purpose.
16. Get sexy with your phone. Um, no thanks. Then I’ll be getting billed for not only my text messages and long distance calls but for the amount of time I spend on my phone having sex. Can’t trust those bastards at AT&T ya know.
17. Watch you masturbate. WHAT! No way Jose. Masturbation, to me, is a private thing. Lets see. how can I put this delicately. Um……oh yeah….like would ya want someone to watch you poop? HEY…..privacy is privacy. Besides, isn’t masturbating (by yourself) supposed to be where you conjure up thoughts about someone other than your spouse? Or with a Playboy magazine centerfold. Bet that would go over big with your other half.
“Ok honey. I’m gonna masturbate looking at this photo of Lady Ga Ga while you watch.”
“Um…ok dear, but I’m gonna go in the other room and do my own thing with a photo of George Clooney in “People Magazine.”
18. Do it in your backyard. I swear, these people at “iVillage” are freakin’ nuts. IN MY BACKYARD! Do you have any idea the number of creatures and insects I have in my backyard. Do ya think I wanna be naked lying on my lawn and have to pull ants outta my crotch. Not to mention where she’d have to extract things from.
Remember, I have a pesky black garden snake in my backyard too.
19. Let him eat sushi. Meaning let him eat sushi off of your body. Really not a bad idea, but I wouldn’t particularly choose sushi. Chocolate maybe or whipped cream. Or, if you’re into doing a lot of barbecuing, maybe a hot dog or hamburger. Then of course, for desert, you can go on to other “eating” stuff. Which I will end this all by leaving THAT to your imagination you damn perverts.
So that’s it. (as I said, I only found 19 or their 20 suggestions)
Which possibly means that the people at “iVillage” flunked math in school and that their 20th suggestion could possibly be pretending that you and your spouse are in school, naked, and learning the basics of addition and subtraction. My guess anyhow.
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