First of all I have no freakin’ idea who the hell those Jones people are. And even if I did, why the hell would I want to keep up with them? As that old saying goes, “Keeping up with the Joneses.”
Apparently “Babble.com” thinks whoever these “Joneses” are, that we should all attempt to keep up with them.
In their latest article, in which they tend to “babble” on, they say that there are three kinds of people. Those that save, those that don’t, and those that want to save but think they can’t.
Personally I do not fall into any one of those categories. One, I don’t “save” because I don’t have any damn money to save. To use an old cliche,’ “I’m so poor I can’t even afford to pay attention.” Secondly, I guess that makes me fall into that “don’t” category. And lastly, when it comes to “those that want to save but think they can’t,” ….HEY! I know I can’t. So, basically this article sucks you “Babble” idiots.
What about the people who are just dirt broke. Did ya think of them when ya wrote this article? Maybe THAT’s why there are so many of us out there that hate those damn Jones people. Yeah…..who the freak do they think they are anyway?
And you know who they are. People like Tommy Lee Jones, Quincy Jones, Shirley Jones, James Earl Jones, Spike Jones, John Paul Jones and Mother Jones.
How the hell do ya expect any of us to keep up with those people! They’re all rolling in dough. Um, except maybe Spike Jones, John Paul Jones and Mother Jones. I think they’re no longer with us.
So, to go on with this useless article from “Blabble” about what you should do to keep up with those other Joneses, they offer us poor folk some tips if you’re using any of the following excuses for not saving money and keeping up with those Jones people.
1. “There are too many expenses.” Their suggestion: Make some changes. Start by listing all of your monthly expenses from your mortgage right down to that measly $1.50 you recklessly spent on that cup of coffee. You damn inconsiderate slob you. So, if you do this, you’ll know where you are spending useless cash and which expenses are unnecessary and you can then put some money into your saving account.
Seeing that I can’t start my day without coffee and without imploding, but, I CAN, if need be, live in my truck, I say, “screw it,” dump the mortgage payments. I ain’t doing without my morning coffee. Besides, the money I save by living in my truck by not paying my mortgage will go towards buying a new house which will eventually be a lot classier than those damn Jones people have.
2. “But I want it.” Ah yes, the old “I want it and I want it now curse.” Which is why none of us can save a stinkin’ red cent. The article says that, “you need food to live but you don’t need gourmet pizzas or Chinese takeout every night.”
Which we all know will bankrupt all of us. So, ok, I give up my “gourmet” pepperoni and cheese pizza and skip the egg roll. Um…….on second thought, think I’ll keep those two items and scrap the broccoli and artichokes. Never ate them anyhow.
3. “The neighbors got a new car.” Which obviously pisses us all off when we see those damn Joneses in a new car when we’re still driving an 82′ Olds Cutlass. Bastards.
Their logic is, “You may desire a brand new family vehicle and have some need for it, but you would be well-served to keep driving the vehicle already paid off.” (providing you already paid it off)
Then, take that money you would have spent on a new vehicle to impress those Jones people and save it for a REAL emergency. Like for an attorney after you’ve beaten the livin’ crap outta that Jones guy next door with a two by four for bragging about his new car while you’re still clanking around in that 82′ Olds.
4. “I forgot.” The article says that people just forget to save money out of their paychecks and thereby and forsooth should have a certain percentage, 10%, automatically transferred to your bank account before you carelessly spend it.
Like on that pizza or Chinese food. My guess anyhow. Hey….better to starve yourself and be thin then be poor. You’ll look really great laid out in that coffin.
“Oh my Martha, doesn’t he look great and sooooo natural looking.”
“Yeah Alice, and really trim looking too.”
5. The last excuse for not saving that all of us use is….. “I’ll just borrow and put it back.”
Which is what I said to those SWAT Team guys that arrested me when I was pulling that bank job a few years ago. They didn’t buy it however.
The premise here is that you should never borrow from Peter to pay Paul when you have a craving for an “Almond Joy” or “Mounds” candy bar. (if you don’t see the humor in that last line, you obviously have no clue as to who makes those candy bars)
So basically what they’re saying is that if you don’t have the money to buy something, DO NOT borrow the money from Bruno, the local loan shark, and tell him that you’ll pay him next week. Because, when you don’t pay Bruno next week, Bruno is gonna be verrrry upset.
Then you’ll incur a bunch of astronomical hospital bills for various broken bones and stuff and find yourself indebted to the Godfadder and wind up owing him big time and have to do favors for HIM instead of HIM doing favors for you, as Godfadders usually do.
So, all in all if you have trouble saving money, you can follow some of “Babble’s” suggestions and get on the right track to keeping up with the Joneses.
OR……move to a town where there are no Joneses so you don’t have to worry about keeping up with them SOB’s. OR…..if you’re single, just hit on the first really good-looking Jones family hunk or babe, (providing they come from a rich Jones family) and then you’ll never have to worry about keeping up with those damn Jones people again.
You’ll be part of the family and rolling in dough.
Which basically is the answer to that original question “Babble” asked.
Somewhat like, “How to keep up with the Joneses.”
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