Thank Gawd for reporters like Michael Kunzelman of the Associated Press. Otherwise we’d never know what the hell is going on in places like Morven, Georgia and Rising Star, Texas, where police chiefs have gone hog-wild buying surplus items from the government due to downsizing.
Now there’s nothing wrong with buying surplus stuff from the government mind you. Gawd knows we all could use a break when it comes to finding a real good deal on a surplus aircraft carrier or two. You know, just as a conversation piece that we could stick out on our front lawns and plant a few flowers around it.
Possibly that’s what some small towns were thinking when they bought some of these items offered by the government.
Blankets. Which you can never have enough of. Bed sheets, which obviously you need to go along with those blankets. Bowling pins, um…..er……oh yeah, possibly to use as blackjacks. (sometimes ya have to improvise on a meager budget in these small towns)
Then there’s some French horns, which, I suppose could be used to summon 3 French hens if anyone gives them to you as a gift at Christmas time. Ya never know.
Dog collars and a colonoscopy machine. (sounds like some town officials could be into some really perverted stuff involving dogs, hens and unauthorized colonoscopy exams on animals)
So who buys this stuff? How about the Morven, Georgia police chief Lynwood Yates who bought 3 boats, scuba gear, rescue crafts, and a couple of dozen life preservers.
I know what you’re thinking.
“But Misfit….what’s wrong with that stuff. It’ll save lives for cripes sake. Cut the guy some slack.”
Yep…yer right. That is if anyone in Morven, Georgia is drowning in ankle-deep water. Which is the deepest water in that town.
“Quick…..drag out the rescue craft!!!!”
Oh yeah, police chief Yates also bought a bunch of bayonets too. Mosquito control I guess.
When asked about those bayonets, his response was, “That was one of those things in the old days you got because you thought it was cool. Then after you get it, you’re like, what the hell am I going to do with this.”
Thank Gawd the government wasn’t selling hula hoops otherwise Morven would be screwed. Or, holding some really great annual hula hoop festivals.
But ol Lynwood is not alone in buying some really neat useless stuff.
The police chief in Rising Star, Texas, (name not mentioned) before he was fired, acquired more than $3.2 million dollars worth of property including 9 TVs, 11 computers, 3 deep fat fryers, 2 meat slicers, 22 large space heaters, (value when new $55,000) a pool table, 25 sleeping bags, and some playground equipment. (no mention if any partridges in pear trees wearing combat fatigues were on that list)
Not to be outdone, we go back to Morven, Georgia where the police chief most likely said, upon hearing what the chief of Rising Star, Texas bought, “Oh yeah, well I ain’t gonna be outdone ya varmint.”
Soooo. He then bought, 20 blankets, 10 two-man combat tents, a hammock, 4 demagnetizers, two leg curl machines, a shoulder press, a leg press, 2 treadmills, 20 red gym shorts, 20 fitted bed sheets, 50 flat-bed sheets, and 355 sandbags.
So basically he’s planning to use those 20 blankets in the 10 two-man combat tents and one hammock where he will ultimately demagnetize the men sleeping there so as not to encourage any bedtime hanky panky activities, and if they so much as screw up, he then will shoulder and leg press them to teach them a lesson while their bodies are stretched out on treadmills wrapped in sheets fitted or unfitted around their bodies with sandbags strapped to their backs. Good SWAT team training too.
Gary Randall, who owns Morven’s only grocery store had this to say about the chief’s stockpiling. “They’ve got a bunch of damn junk is what it looks like. This is a little itty bitty town. His mentality is, “If I don’t get it, someone else will.”
And Gary should know what he’s talking about when it comes to a small town. I kinda assume that what he means is that if you plug in your electric razor, all the lights in town dim.
Meanwhile, Navy Vice Admiral Mark Harnitchek, who is director of vice…um….no, that’s not right. Sorry. Who is director of the “Defense Logistics Agency” said state coordinators and the support office in his agency both perform a “sanity check” on requests.
(obviously missing a sanity check on Morven and Rising Star)
Harnitchek says, “The intent here is that we’re not giving Barney Fife an attack helicopter. If you want a helicopter you have got to have significantly more justification for it than if you want a personal computer that’s 8 years old.”
Which is the main reason Mayberry RFD’s Barney Fife left that town and joined the Navy and eventually became Mr. Limpett. Mayberry never got their attack helicopter but did manage, thanks to Sheriff Andy, several thousand brand new unused floppy discs which are still used to this day at the annual Mayberry RFD Floppy Disc Throwing Festival.
Ok. Just one more. In Oxford, Alabama the police chief there bought a $1.5 million dollar piece of infrared surveillance apparatus for a helicopter. Such a deal. Um….WAIT! Oh yeah…..Oxford doesn’t have a helicopter. BUT…it was such a good deal.
Since all of this police chief “Manic Monday” purchasing insanity the government has installed a new computer system to improve inventory tracking. (which may be a reason why guys like Edward Snowden was able to steal information….Feds were watching police chiefs buying sprees)
“Hey Admiral, some guy is stealing the codes to our ballistic missile program!!!!”
“F**k that, some police chief just ordered two thousand camouflage condoms. Ahm gonna nail that bastard!”
Of course this new tracking system was not in place when those police chiefs went hog-wild.
Rising Star former city council member, June Stone, (no relation to Jesse Stone, who may or may not have also bought an attack helicopter or tank for Paradise, Massachusetts) said about the police chief in that town, “He spent most of his time on the computer looking for stuff. He really wasn’t doing his job.”
To paraphrase an old saying June…………. “No s**t Dick Tracy.”
So, thanks again to the AP for enlightening all of us as to what the hell is going on in these small towns. Those of us living in small towns can now either feel a lot safer knowing that our local police chief has everything under control should we need to be protected by having a bunch of bayonets, sleeping bags, and infrared surveillance apparatus should all hell break out.
I’m personally, cause I live in a small town, going to go out and buy some nets from the government.
Because if I so much as find out that my police chief is spending all kinds of my taxpayer dollars on stupid stuff, I’m gonna snag that bastard with a bigggg government issued net and zap the f**k outa him with a freakin’ demagnetizer I just bought for ten bucks from that police chief in Morven, Georgia.
Such a deal……just for the satisfaction factor.
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