Yep, another lazy Saturday morning where I sit down to write yet another inane blog. The problem is that today my ancient computer from hell mostly refuses to cooperate with my commands. Which is, “Blow up you motherf****r for once and for all so I can stop this stupid blog writing stuff.”
Actually I love to write. It’s kind of therapy for me and is much cheaper than seeing a shrink. However, that said, I can now understand why a lot of people go to shrinks. Because of their stinkin’ computers. I actually think computers could drive someone to the brink of murder.
I’ve always said to myself that if I ever hit Powerball the very first thing I would do is take both of my computers, the PC and the laptop, go out into the backyard, set them both on fire, then as they’re burning whack the livin’ daylights outta them with a big sledge-hammer while performing some sort of native ritual dance.
Then drive two blocks to the bridge near my house, and throw the remains of both computers off of the bridge. All this of course would be documented by my other half on video which would be sent to the manufacturers of my computers. Who shall remain unnamed. (Hewlett-Packard)
Sooooooo. That led me to think about what I would do if I hit the Powerball jackpot. Which is what most of us do twice a week as we sit in front of the tube and watch those stinkin’ balls roll down and none of the numbers are ours. Except for some guy from West “By God” Virginia who owns a freakin’ coal mine and buys a gazillion tickets every week and wins.
Or some 95 year-old lady from Oklahoma who bought one ticket for the hell of it, hits the jackpot, and when asked what she’s going to do with all that money, says, “I’m gonna save it.” (as her relatives, drooling, are counting the days till the ol lady dies)
Well obviously the very first thing I would do would be to buy the mother of all computers. (after consulting with Edward Snowden) Only because if Snowden can hack into all kinds of secret sites and get any information he wants, then THAT’s the kind of computer I want.
Not so I can hack into all kinds of secret sites mind you, but just so I can get into my freakin’ e-mail on a daily basis without it locking up, or having several hundred pop ups trying to sell me boob enhancement creams or discount penis enlargers.
Judging by the number of large boobs and BVD photos on various social media sites I’m beginning to worry about a lot of you out there who are clicking on these sites. Perverts.
Anyhow, my wish list should I hit Powerball is quite reserved. Obviously that new computer. Cost of new computer: $400 to $800. ($25,000 for the Edward Snowden model)
Then some odds and ends that are really necessities. Like having my eyeballs fixed so that ants walking across my patio floor do not appear to be the size of rats. (I tend to panic very easily) Cost for eyeball correction, $1,800.
I might add that my other half says not to worry….they’re only carpenter ants as evidenced by this photo that she took of one of them.
We need a new roof on our house because there are a few leaks here and there. I personally do not see this as a pressing problem due to the fact that to me it’s rather convenient if I need a quick drink of water during the summer months during a heavy rain storm and I’m too lazy to get up during a baseball game to fetch a glass of water. Somehow, my other half does not see the logic in this. Go figure. Cost of new roof: $15,000
My truck is a 1999 Dodge Ram 1500, which still runs quite well, but, I’d prefer to have a new Dodge Ram 450,000. Just so I can justify my deep voice like Sam Elliott has in those Ram commercials. If you own a Dodge Ram you have to sound like Sam Elliott. Otherwise you should be driving a Honda or something. Cost of a new Dodge Ram: $24,000 to $45,000 depending on the number of Rams you want in it.
Next on my list, and this one isn’t really expensive, but IS a necessity, three state of the art computer chairs. Not for me, but for my cats. WHY? Because they insist on sitting in the same chair as me when I’m writing these blogs. Because, as we all know, if you have cats, there simply is not enough room for them to sit anywhere. Which is why they are constantly in your lap or on your computer chair. Cost of three new chairs $1,000.
Bricks. Yes bricks. Now you wouldn’t think I’d want to hit Powerball to buy bricks, but, I have a perfectly logical reason for this. On any given night several thousand motorcyclists converge at a cafe across the street from me and insist on revving their engines up at closing time. (1 to 2am) I figure if I construct a ten foot brick wall in front of my house it will act as a buffer. It’s either that, or when that TV show, “The Dome” is over I can make those guys an offer for that dome and use that as a buffer. Along with that dead cow in the opening scene that’s split in two. Hey….why waste good meat. Cost of bricks: $1,500. Cow…$5.00. (hey, it’s already dead for cripes sakes)
Of course there are many other things we need, like a car port to prevent pine tree sap and needles from falling on my truck. A self-cleaning cat litter box, or, at least one that comes with tiny toilet paper rolls. Window blinds for the patio so that I can watch porno movies naked in the summertime. Um….only because it gets so hot out there.
Then, after hitting Powerball, a gift to the residents of my town and my blog readers who faithfully read this stupid stuff day in and day out. A concert by a top name artist in the local park in my town just to show my appreciation for hitting Powerball and as a thank you to my readers. All two of them.
So ya see, my list isn’t that big. Just a few essentials and maybe one or two extravagant spending items.
Considering I’ve been playing Powerball for a gazillion years, (it seems like it’s been that long) I figure my chances of hitting it are nil. BUT…..if YOU hit it, ya might wanna kick in a few bucks to ol Misfit, at least to ensure my ability to buy a new computer and keep this blog going. Unless of course you hate this blog. At which point you could put a contract out on my computer to end all of this daily nonsense.
Um, if you’re a 95-year-old woman who just hit Powerball and are thinking about saving your winnings, I’d be happy just to be included in your will. One can only hope.
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