To Arms! To Arms! Here Come The Mosquitos!!!!

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It’s the same old same old every time this year when the weather gets hot and mosquitos all over the world think it’s party time. Us being the main entrée. Me especially.

I suspect mosquitos love Italian food due to the fact that they seem to gravitate towards me in mass numbers. Being Italian, it’s completely understandable I would probably be very tasty to those bastards. But there are many other people who become magnets for mosquitos as well, as pointed out in an article by Lisa Collier Cool, (yep, her real last name) on the website “HealthLine.”

Thanks Lisa, really “cool” article.

So, some facts on mosquitos.

Their favorite blood type is “O.” Same as vampires. Why? Because type “O” is more tastier.

Solution: Either get a blood transfusion to another blood type or invite a bunch of your type “O” blood friends over for a cookout, tell them to sit out on the patio and enjoy themselves while you go indoors and cook the burgers telling them the outside grill doesn’t work. By the time you’re done cooking, the mosquitos will be done feasting on your buddies and it’ll be safe for you to go outside and not get bitten.

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With a touch of lemon juice of course

Beer drinkers are also magnets for mosquitos. This is documented in the “Journal of the American Mosquito Control Association.” (not to be confused with the “Journal of the American Gnat Control Association) Which obviously has studied mosquitos very closely and determined that many of them were intoxicated after boozing it up at cookouts.

(you can spot an intoxicated mosquito very easily by the sound it makes. Not the buzzing….like, “Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” More like, “Bzzmfe..zz..lezzfg…zzzzz…zhic.”)

http://youtu.be/JWRRTsMhIPM

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Ok, here’s the good one. The full moon. You know how the full moon makes people go nuts. Including me. But not as nuts as mosquitos. I only strip down naked and run through the backyard howling. But mosquitos are 500 more times active during a full moon. Fully clothed.

Overall, the highest risk times for mosquito bites are dusk and dawn, with females of some species migrating up to 40 miles in pursuit of a meal. Meaning you.

Solution: Do not run naked through your backyard at dawn or dusk or during a full moon. Might wanna just open the window, (with a screen) and howl naked from inside of the house.

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Sure honeee. Whose body do ya have in mind?

Here’s a no brainer. The article suggests that you keep your socks on. Hence the phrase, “keep your socks on.” This is due to the fact that mosquitos love dirty feet and the pungent aroma that emits from dirty feet.

Researcher Bert Knols discovered that when he sat in a lab in his underwear to find out which parts of the body the pests are most likely to target, that 75 percent of the mosquitos honed in on his feet. But if he washed his feet with deodorant soap, the mosquitos zoomed in on other parts of his body. This also gave ol Bert an excuse to sit around in his lab in his underwear.

So basically the solution to this problem would simply be wash your stinkin’ feet, and, after washing your feet, do NOT sit around in a lab somewhere with just your underwear on. Unless you have expectations of getting bitten by another female. Like Gloria, Bert’s female lab assistant.

Pregnant women you are not safe either. Mosquitos somehow know if you’re expecting. Why? Because researchers claim pregnant women exhale more which attracts mosquitos who are drawn in by the moisture and carbon content which is 21 percent more than women who are not pregnant. On top of that, mosquitos find pregnant women more attractive. Most likely due to the amount of area it has to zoom in on.

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However, given the fact that most mosquitos cannot read, this does not stop them from biting pregnant women

Solution: Either plan your pregnancy during the Winter months when there are no mosquitos. Don’t get pregnant at all. Or use the mosquito ploy in place of, “not tonight dear I have a headache,” until it’s safe to get pregnant and then you’ll be a huge balloon in the Winter months rather than in the summer when there are all kinds of perverted mosquitos all over the place who are into pregnant women.

It’s not even safe to run from a mosquito either. Makes sense to me. After all…THEY can fly and you can’t. But that’s not the main reason. Experts say that when you run you tend to exhale both carbon dioxide and substance in sweat, such as lactic acid, which helps mosquitos use their GPS systems to hone in on their prey. So any running or physical activity is out of the question if you want to avoid getting bitten.

Inactivity is the key here. Which is always what I attempt to stress to my other half when she bugs me to mow the lawn.

“Hey, ya want me to get bitten by a bunch of crazed blood thirsty mosquitos! Screw that! Besides, tall grass is great for cows and goats to graze in.”

“Dear, we don’t have any cows or goats.”

“Um, oh yeah. But if we DID have cows or goats, which I’m considering, it’ll be great for them.”

Finally, your wardrobe comes into play when it comes to getting bitten by mosquitos. NEVER….I say, and they say, and everybody says, NEVER wear dark clothing outside during mosquito season. According to researchers mosquitos love the color black, (most attractive) red, (very attractive) gray and blue, (neutral) and khaki, green, light khaki and yellow, (less attractive)

So when you laugh at old people walking around wearing plaid pants with a khaki shirt and yellow socks, guess who’s having the last laugh.

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Obviously a misinformed Florida senior who did not follow the proper senior dress code procedures

So you have two choices here. Either say screw it and dress in the clothing you want to wear without looking like a complete idiot. Or, follow those seniors advice and wear plaid pants, a khaki shirt with yellow socks and be the laughing-stock of all of your friends. Your choice.

It’s either that or invest in several packages of “Off Clip Ons” and strap them to your body every day and smell like the high heavens.mosquito5

True, you won’t have very many friends, or any serious relationships, but, what the hell, at least you won’t get bitten by a mosquito.

Snake maybe….but definitely not a mosquito.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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