“Soooo Ralph. Whaddya wanna do this Saturday.”
“Um, geez Harry, I dunno, maybe fly over to Spain and have a bull shove its horn up our butts.”
“Heyyyyy! Great idea! A “bullcolonscopy.”
Yep. Why just the other day I was sitting out on the patio saying to my other half how great it would be if we could take a trip to Spain during the annual penultimate bull run at Spain’s San Fermin Festival and try an out run a bunch of crazed pissed off bulls.
“Just think of the excitement of it all honeeee. Running through the streets with six gazillion other nuts while a herd of crazed bulls are within inches of shoving a horn or two up our butts. Ya can’t get THAT kind of thrill sitting at home watching a baseball game ya know.”
(she did point out the fact that in my old age I’ve become a bit more horny so this activity might just be the ultimate sex high for me)
Of course, not having the funds to travel to Spain to participate in this historic event, we opted to symbolically hang bull horns on our front door should any visitors stop by. We’re very patriotic. Even though it IS Spain I’m talking about here.
Now for the life of me I can’t understand why anybody in their right mind would want to run through the streets of Spain while bulls are hot on their asses. What’s the freakin’ point here? Or points.
That you’re faster than a bull? Cripes, just go to any farm that has a bull, call it a few low down dirty names to piss it off, and then maybe it’ll chase you. At least you’ll have an entire field or meadow to dodge that sucker. But doing it in the narrow streets of Spain with more than one bull who’s pissed off at you. I thinkith not.
Now let’s take the one guy from Cleveland, Ohio, a 35-year-old who is not being identified, most likely because he got a bull horn up his butt. Or, as officials diplomatically put it, “suffered from a “rectal perforation.” Meaning, in layman’s terms, he got a biggggg bull horn up his butt.
So now this guy, who is presently recovering in a hospital after surgery, not only has a “rectal perforation,” but he has to go back home and explain to everyone that he just had surgery because a freaking bull stuck a horn up his butt.
“Sooooo Kyle, I heard about your attempt to outrun the herd in Spain. Please, come on over here, sit down and tell me all about it.”
“Um…..I’d rather NOT sit down if ya catch my drift.”
Jesus Lecumberri, 26, a student with several years experience in bull running, (great for his resume) said that, “I felt anguish and helplessness for the people trapped in there, (an entrance to a tunnel where people were trapped while the bulls where coming at them) not knowing how to get out.”
Yep, good point Jesus. You might have added, “And I have no freakin’ idea why any idiot with a bunch of bulls chasing them would head into a tunnel along with several hundred other people.”
Personally, if I were in that position, I’d be heading for a McDonald’s to find refuge. NO self-respecting bull, knowing full well that McDonald’s makes hamburgers, (beef) is gonna want to chase my butt into there.
Now, not to mention the effects of getting gored by a bull with a set of big horns up your butt, or some other lower part of your body, you also stand the chance of getting stomped to death by those bulls as they tend to stampede. Which is what most bulls who hang out together tend to do when pissed off by a bunch of people taunting bulls with a bunch of bulls**t.
Bulls do not like bulls**t. Speak calmly and respectively to any bull and they will not get pissed off and shove a horn up your butt.
So now this guy from Cleveland most likely will be suffering for quite some time from the effects of having an intimate moment with a horny bull. Along with 23 other people who were also injured. None as serious as the guy from Cleveland.
Although a 19-year-old Spaniard was gored in the armpit. Most likely because the bull wanted him to bend over, but the guy raised his arms in surrender, and bull got pissed off at that point, and then gored him. My theory.
Only because bulls like to gore you in the butt region. More sporty for them.
Ya know, all of this exciting stuff is just not my cup of tea. Or swig of Jack Daniels whiskey either. I’d have to be stoned outta my tree to wanna run through the streets of Spain being chased by a bunch of pissed off bulls.
Bungy jumping, jumping outta planes and skydiving, extreme game sports…..not for me. Pissing off a bunch of bulls….nope…not that either.
I’d sooner take my chances at surviving right here in my own home.
Considering I don’t have to travel long distances to get a thrill, thereby not costing me a fortune to wind up in a hospital with a bull horn up my butt.
Nope. All I have to do is say something stupid like responding to that age-old question women ask of men:
“Does this dress make me look fat,”
“Um, just a tad dear.”
And…..Shazam! I’m off and running with a mad woman carrying a kitchen knife hot on my butt.
Now THAT’s what I call excitement!
As I lay in the hospital recovering from several stab wounds. Which any male in the same room with me will give me a big high-five for after explaining how brave I was to stand up to a woman.
HEY…..better that than having to explain how stupid I was getting a bull horn up my ass.
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