Subtle Hints That Your Spouse Is Trying To Kill You.

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Maybe I’m becoming paranoid in my senior years, but it seems to me lately that my other half is attempting to conceive a plot to drive me crazy, or kill me. Just the other day I said to her, “You’re driving me to my grave.” In less than thirty seconds she had the truck started and ready to go in front of the house. (Just a play on words there for those of you who were too slow to see the humor)

It’s not anything that you can actually take to your next visit to your psychiatrist as evidence that women are attempting to speed up your trip to the loony farm. Just a series of events over a period of time that make you question your state of mind. Like, “Is she right, am I losing it?” Or, “Should I just kill her now, get it over with, and spend my time behind bars at least knowing I’m OK.”

Kind of a catch 22 situation there.rel7

But then there’s always the problem of finding a place to bury her body. Unless I can get my hands on the “Mafia Guide To Burying Bodies: (subtitled) “The Jimmy Hoffa Method.”

Actually I love her dearly. But, as I always say to her, and, I might add, pisses her off to no end, that she’s completely untrainable.

Now for some insight on how women tend to make men feel like their losing it. If any of the following things have happened to you with your other half, it’s too late, they’ve got you.rel3

I do most of the driving when we are out together, which is fine with her. However, she instantly becomes the AAA critic when it comes to my driving. Lest I remind her that for years I was a professional driver with not so much as one bad mark on my driving record.

Except for that one time I backed over some old guy in a scooter. BUT…the bastard deserved it for trying to beat me to a parking space. So what if it was a handicapped spot. I’m handicapped…..mentally.

So, if I run a yellow light, scrape a curbstone on a turn, flip off another driver, miss a turn or attempt to sound the horn but can’t find the horn button, it’s all over. She actually attempts to convince me that for those reasons I’m losing it. Keep in mind that whenever she drives by herself, there is no one there to observe her errors. It’s kinda like if a man is wrong, and there is no woman there to correct him, he’s still wrong?

(which is rule number 75 in the women’s handbook: “1,000 Ways To Drive Men Nuts” by Lucretia McEvil)

b

My other half made me put this cartoon in to show that women are actually sensitive human beings

But that’s just the driving part. There are the moments at home when I (sigh) forget to turn off my computer monitor at bedtime. My freakin’ computer monitor for cripes sake!

“Dear, you forgot to turn off the computer monitor.”

“Yeah, so what. It’s in the other room. Just close your eyes and go to sleep.”

“I can’t sleep with that computer light on.”

“HEY! Can ya sleep with that damn nightlight on in the bathroom?”

“Um…yeah.”

“So what’s the freakin’ difference if the computer monitor is on?”

“Because.”

“Because?  Because? WTF?”

From that point on it’s no use arguing that point. Once a woman uses the “because” ploy, it’s a lost cause. Any man will vouch for that.

m

Be afraid men….be verrrry afraid.

My greatest fault is forgetting to put the lid down on the toilet seat. (it’s a man thing)

To me, that’s not a big problem. To her, it is, considering that the cats just love to play in the water. I figure, what the hell, saves me from having to buy them new cat toys. Unfortunately she didn’t buy that either.

Then there’s my other unforgivable mistakes that definitely prove that I’m losing it. Some mornings, to give her a break, I make up the bed so that she will not have to. However, it’s always on the mornings that she has decided to strip the bed. Oops, screwed again. This of course is just another tactic by women to drive men crazy.

She used to have an automatic car starter, and for the most part, when she was going out by herself on a cold morning, I’d start her vehicle for her while she’s in the shower. But, on the one morning that I forget, yep, screwed again. I have since sold that vehicle and if, upon occasion, she has to drive my truck on a cold morning, I give her a book of matches and one of those fire logs from the fireplace just to show her that I DO care.

n

???……Lunch time!

But by far, the most definite proof I have that women are trying to send us to an early grave is the old “you’re going deaf” ploy.

Let me enlighten you as to how this works. You’re sitting in one part of the house while your other half is in another part of the house, at least 75 feet away with the television on, and she’s talking to you. If you don’t hear her, she’s convinced you’re losing your hearing. The only way to combat this devious plan to convince us we’re going deaf is to buy a pair of two-way radios. Works for me.

d

Damn! This close too!

So let’s sum all of this up. I’ve proven that there is indeed a sinister plot involving all women to drive us men to an early grave, or at least drive us crazy to the point of seeking out a shrink. What can we do about it? The answer is NOTHING! We’re screwed.

So, in conclusion, all I can say is that we have to learn to live with all of this, take each day as it comes, endure all of the claims from women that we are losing it, and,…………..lower the cash payout on our life insurance policies to less than $500. Who’s screwed now…..Heh Heh.

Oh yeah…..one more I want to add to this list. It might not affect all men, but it affects me. Sleeping at night.

For some odd reason my other half has a problem sleeping. Me…I can go off at the drop of a cat. Or is that a hat. I dunno, but I have 3 cats so it makes sense to me. Whatever.

So as I drift off, she tosses and turns and I constantly wake up, never get a good nights sleep, and drag my butt around the next day. There is no solution to this problem, other than murder. But, as I said, no place to safely bury the body.

m

3am….AFTER she finally falls asleep

So, I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll never get a decent nights sleep.

So, I’ve decided when I buy the farm, (dead) I want written on my headstone…………………..

“FINALLY……A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP.”

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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5 Responses to Subtle Hints That Your Spouse Is Trying To Kill You.

  1. swedenole13 says:

    I have a little story you might find interesting….er, perhaps your wife will: Sorry, it’s a bit long…

    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
    My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work . Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
    I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..
    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I’m not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
    EDITOR’S NOTE:
    Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

    • misfit120 says:

      My point exactly Charles. But, thank Gawd for me I don’t play golf.

      Click here for my daily blog.https://misfit120.wordpress.com

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  2. Charlie says:

    It happens. I personally know of one such incident. Strange how the older men get the less likely they are to watch where they are sitting.

  3. in2indigo says:

    I know her I think! Have same issues at our house so yur not alone.

    ________________________________

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