Cockroaches To The Rescue

a

Gloria Cockroach Gaynor’s famous hit song

It’s getting to the point that you just can’t look at bugs and insects anymore and wonder if you should stomp on them or not. Why? Because researchers keep finding ways to use bugs and insects to help humanity.

My question is, why can’t these same researchers find a way to help humanity by inventing something that will repel gnats. I have yet to find an insect repellent that a gnat hates. I don’t care if you spray yourself with “Off,” or wear those insect repellent thingys on your belt, those freakin’ gnats don’t give a rats ass.

And why is it they always aim for your eyeballs or try to dive bomb into your damn ears? So work on that you brainiac researchers.

The

Actual photo of the dreaded Gnat

Meanwhile, as I complain about gnats, those same scientists in North Carolina, (where most likely, there are no gnats) have developed a technology that one day may enable cockroaches to save lives. Rather than what cockroaches do now. Which is scare the bejesus outta us when we least expect it.

Just sit next to a woman somewhere and have a cockroach emerge from under something and nine outta ten times her reaction will be, “OMG!!! Kill that freakin’ thing before it eats us alive!!!!!”

Then pees her pants.

roach2

But there’s hope for all cockroaches to finally gain some respectability. If that’s at all possible considering just the sight of a cockroach will make a woman go ballistic. Perhaps those scientists could work on plastic surgery for cockroaches before they try to get them to save humanity.

So this is how this cockroach concept works folks. Using video game technology, researchers have figured out how to put cockroaches on autopilot, directing them along a pre-designed path. (this does not mean they have taught them to fly airplanes on autopilot)

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One of the volunteers for this project

They hope that one day, that technology could be used to send the bugs into areas that are unsafe for humans to enter. (like those trash cans on New York City’s lower East side…my guess)

Actually, even though my guess seemed more logical, they want to send those roaches into places such as collapsed buildings or disaster areas. Better sending a roach in there than a human. That way if the building collapses, no great loss. Roaches are a dime a dozen. Maybe more in today’s economy.

So by fitting these roaches with tiny microphones and speakers, rescuers could detect the voices of individuals trapped in buildings.

Like, “OMG! I’m trapped in a collapsed building and there’s a freaking’ giant roach coming at me and he looks very hungry.”

That way researchers would be able to hear your voice screaming and know where you are, thanks to the roach, and come in and rescue you. Providing the roach does not eat you first. Or you have a damn heart attack.

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Dats correct…..I’m a certofied EMT

 These researchers have also mastered how to pilot the roaches by steering them remotely. However, they ran into problems because the people operating the controls made mistakes while piloting the insects.

Mistakes? What mistakes? How can ya make a mistake piloting a cockroach?

My thought would be by getting the heeby jeebies because of all the cockroaches in your work area perhaps.

Hmmm. According to the article in “U.S. News,” the guys piloting the cockroaches used joy sticks to control them but the cockroaches didn’t respond well to their commands.

Maybe cockroaches just do not experience the feeling of joy when being controlled by a “JOYstick.” My guess.

So what to do. Well, the researchers used “Microsoft’s” motion-sensing “Kinect” system to plug in a plotted path for the roach and track its progress. (maybe originally they used “Windows 8” and  THAT was the problem….if ya catch my drift)

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Microsoft’s “Kinect” system and an unidentified insect

The controls are harnessed to the roach’s bodies, connecting to their antennae and sensory appendages. They then use the wires attached to the sensory appendages to spur the roach into motion, while wires attached to the antennae send small electrical impulses that steer the roach in a certain direction.

Kinda like a cockroach GPS system I would think. Except the cockroach system doesn’t have one of those female cockroach voices that tells you when to turn left or right. So I have no idea how a scientist talks to a cockroach.

One of the researchers from North Carolina, Alper Bozkurt, says that, “We want to build on this program, incorporating mapping and radio frequency techniques that will allow us to use a small group of cockroaches to explore and map disaster sites.. The autopilot program would control the roaches, sending them on the most efficient routes to provide rescuers with a comprehensive view of the situation.”

I know this sounds kind of far-fetched that cockroaches could be used to do all this but, take into consideration that during World War II “Mr. Limpet” was used by the government and the U. S. Navy to detect underwater mines. (see photo below)

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Actual World War II Navy photo of Mr. Limpet communicating critical underwater mine locations

Bozkurt said that another advantage of using cockroaches is that they can be controlled in total darkness. Which may come in handy if this roach thing is ever perfected and you want to have a cockroach security system installed in your house. HEY! If it’s gonna work for them, why not expand it on the open market for cripes sake. AND….think of the money you’ll save if you supply your own cockroaches too.

Presently the “Kinect” program is not able to see through rubble and debris in a collapsed building, but Bizkurt told ABC News that a colleague of his is creating a different way to visualize the environment, using radio waves to locate the cockroaches.

Most likely heavy metal music like “Def Leppard” and “Megadeth” recordings. Which, in my opinion, would not only drive a cockroach nuts, but anyone trapped under debris. Enough for them to spot a cockroach blaring loud heavy metal music and claw and scratch their way out into freedom.

Definitely would work for me. Both seeing a cockroach approaching me AND that heavy metal music.metal

Might wanna think about that possibility Dr. Bozkurt.

And while you’re at it……..work on that freakin’ gnat problem for me will ya.

http://youtu.be/pPWxrWNzJoo

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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