The Dreaded Vacuum/Swiffer/Cat Syndrome

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My state of mind today

1,245. That’s the number of blogs I’ve written close to four years time. I know it may seem like a lot of effort goes into writing these daily blogs, but It comes rather easy to me considering my mind borders on insanity. But, that said, most people who can spew out this stuff on a daily basis really have to be at least borderline insane.

Which accounts for the number of writers, comedians and entertainers who keep pharmaceutical companies in business. Prozac, Zanex etc. Not that “I” am one of them. Only because I can’t afford those drugs. Otherwise I’d be popping that stuff on a daily basis.

So, why is that? Well, in my case it’s called the dreaded “vacuum/swiffer/cat” syndrome. (VSCS) Presently at which time the government hasn’t recognized as a legitimate affliction that would be covered by any medical coverage plan.

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Or some reallllly good catnip

“VSCS” is an affliction writers, comedians and entertainers get by attempting to write the great American novel, or blog, work on a really funny stand up comedy routine, or just perform for an audience as an entertainer in whatever field of entertainment they specialize in.

So how do you come down with this dreaded affliction? Simple. Work at home. Yep, all you have to do is have your office in your home where a woman, any woman, has access to you. Why?  Because as we men all know, women, for the most part, do not have any conception of what it takes for a humorist to write ANYTHING while they are zooming around the house with a 2,000 decibel noise rated vacuum cleaner and swiffering at a gazelle’s pace under your feet.vacuum1

It is at this point that “VSCS” takes effect. Your ears begin to throb at the sound of that vacuum cleaner, and at that point you can relate to what sets off a serial killer. Your brain cannot think of anything funny to write about, other than a grocery list, let alone function. And the dust bunnies floating around my computer compound all that because it then attracts the cats who then chase the dust bunnies, which are now on my computer keyboard, and serve as a pouncing pad for the cats.

I have the claw marks to prove that.

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I tried this once but couldn’t get the freakin’ cat to shut up

So basically today was not a very good day for me to contemplate writing about anything other than not writing about anything which is what I’m doing right now.

Oh sure, there were plenty of items on the Internet today that I could have written about. But do ya think I could have logically done that and made any sense? Not while being tortured by the vacuum and swiffer while getting clawed by cats.

There was that witness in the Zimmerman case, Rachel Jeantel whose testimony on the stand drove me absolutely nutso. Only because I couldn’t understand half of what she was saying. Along with a gazillion other viewers. Most likely because I myself, as a teenager, flunked English in High School.

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Um…..because I was stoned outta my tree dad

Then the story about Edward Snowden, that kid who spilled the beans on classified information the government has and how his father now says that his son might be willing to come back to the U.S. if he can cut a deal. Like not being arrested and detained if he comes back. Which, is like a snowball’s chance in hell. My odds would be on the snowball standing a better chance.

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Oops….soreeeeee.

I would have written about “DOMA” (Defense of Marriage Act) that the “Supreme Court of the Yewnited States,” (sorry Jeantel) just ruled on. But considering I’ve been divorced twice and presently live with someone in sin, who the hell am I to defend marriage anyhow. Kinda like Newt Gingrich and I are in the same boat.

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Um….ya wanna run that by me again. I’m takin’ notes here.

Then, as I sat here today with that vacuum noise driving me nuts, I contemplated writing about “Global Warming” too. This due to the number of weather related stories in the news. Heat, floods, snow, locusts in areas when it’s supposed to be Summer.

But, not knowing too much about Global Warming, other than I know that my own globe, (my bald head) would definitely get extremely warm in the hot sun and I’d get sunstroke, I decided I’d better not go there. But, I will add, having my globe sunburned severely on one particular hot summer day when I fell asleep, Global Warming” most likely does exist.bald 1

Finally, after scouring the Internet, I thought about writing about Obama because he’s always a hot item to write about because it’s now become the standard procedure to blame Obama for everything and anything because, as we all know, he “IS” responsible for everything and anything that goes wrong. And this is simply because no other President of the “Yewunited States,” (my apologies again Jeantel) who was in office before Obama EVER lied or did anything wrong. A proven fact.

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OMG Dad….then I’m doomed!

So I just gave up. No sense even attempting to write about anything today because my brain at this point is mush. I’m covered in dust bunnies and cat scratches. My computer keyboard is spotted with coffee and donut residue from shaking. And I can’t hear a freakin’ thing after having that dreaded vacuum assault my eardrums.

Can’t ANYBODY,! “Dyson,” “Hoover,” invent a damn vacuum cleaner that is silent for cripes sake! I don’t give a rats ass if it can suck up 3 inches of dust from under my computer or reach up to the ceiling in hard to vacuum places. ARE YA PAYIN’ ATTENTION HERE MR. DYSON OR MR HOOVER!!!! (not the FBI guy)vac5

Make a damn vacuum that is a stealth vacuum for Gawds sake! One that those “Seal Team 6” team guys could use to suck up evidence without anyone hearing them. Maybe one that even the next hacker of classified documents could use to suck up documents without getting caught.

Damn! Invent a silent vacuum and “I’LL” use it to suck up classified documents. Only to prove that I can suck up classified documents silently. Then, once caught, I’d return those documents back to whoever I stole them from because I’d admit I only wanted to prove a point. That I could suck up classified documents using a vacuum cleaner that was silent.

Then cut a deal with “Dyson” or “Hoover” to appear in their ads.

“Yes folks. The ultimate in vacuum cleaners. The “Dyson/Hoover” silent vacuum cleaner. Guaranteed to suck up classified documents silently, and, at the same time, allow you to peacefully write a blog about sucking up classified documents silently.”

Hmmmm. Maybe THAT’s why Snowden left the country in the first place. Because China, Russia, Ecuador and Cuba don’t have any vacuum cleaners. Or maybe they do and they’re silent. My guess anyhow.

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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3 Responses to The Dreaded Vacuum/Swiffer/Cat Syndrome

  1. in2indigo says:

    With ya on this one! Buy her an old fashion dust mop……….still can’t sleep.

    ________________________________

  2. Charlie says:

    Personally I think you should just suck it up and deal with it.

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