Babies Do WHAT In The Womb? OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The MW…”FFFFA” Award.


Presented to Congressman Michael Burgess, (R) Texas who has determined that a fetus in the womb could actually masturbate

There are just some things I just do NOT wanna know. First on my list is what a doctor sees when he’s sticking that camera up my butt during a colonoscopy. Second on my list involves almost the same procedure, which is called an endoscopy, which is when they shove that same camera down your throat.

And because strangely enough both of those cameras are attached to verrrrry long tubes and look suspiciously the same to me, I always ask my doctor if they ARE the same tubes, at which point he assures me they’re similar, but they clean them very well after each procedure.

Which then prompts me to say to him in return after an endoscopic procedure, when they shove that down my throat, “Then why does my mouth taste like s**t?”


Why does this tube taste funny?

Now, my final thing I just don’t wanna know is what the hell a fetus is doing inside of a woman’s womb for the nine months it’s in there. Cripes, isn’t bad enough the government is spying us AFTER we’re outta the womb! Now people are spying on us even before we get outta there! WTF!

I’m really surprised that Snowden guy hasn’t accused the NSA of doing that!

Now, in case you think I’m blowing smoke outta my butt, which also happens on occasion when you’re getting a colonoscopy, medical science can now photograph a baby using sonogram images showing it while it’s in the womb. Makes sense to me.

So, because most moms-to-be think having a photograph of their baby while in the womb is pretty awesome, which it actually is, there should be some limits as to how those photographs are interpreted by doctors.


Soooo, we’ll name him Willie Nelson dear

For instance, just this past week someone “suggested” that babies in the womb masturbate. Honest!

And who would that “someone” be?

Why Congressman Michael Burgess, (R) Texas, who says yes, but the science isn’t as clear.

Here’s part of the news story which the Congressman cites:

“During debates over a bill that would outlaw all abortions after 20 weeks, Texas Rep. Michael Burgess argued for an even broader ban, making the case that the limit should be pushed even earlier. Why? Because, according to Burgess, who was a former obstetrician-gynecologist, fetuses as early as 15 weeks can feel pleasure and pain.

In the hearing, he said: “Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful. They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain.”

Soooooooooooooooo…….the Congressman equates this to babies possibly having the ability to masturbate while in the womb. Because, as he so wisely puts it, “If they feel pleasure, why is it hard to believe that they could feel pain.”

And, I assume, he assumed, that because he said, “If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs.” Thereby, as he alluded to, they obviously feel pleasure. By, I assume, having their hand or hands between their legs.


Or, he just wants to freak out Congressman Burgess.

Excuse me for a moment folks.


Ok, I’m fine now. Just needed to let that out.

So now a Congressman and, oh yes, a former obstetrician-gynecologist, which obviously makes him an expert on what the hell goes on inside of a womb, says, yes, it’s possible, because if male babies in the womb have their hands between their legs that they could be masturbating.

My thinking, and I’m no obstetrician-gynecologist, is this. “Hey Congressman/Doc, did it ever freakin’ occur to you that there’s really not a lot of arm and leg room in the womb for kinda like just stretching out and relaxing? I mean, WTF are ya supposed to do in a cramped space with your legs and arms anyhow?

My guess would be to tuck them between your legs seeing that ya can’t really stretch out and stuff. I mean it’s not like you can put your arms up behind your head as if you’re in a damn recliner ya know. And no leg room either. The same effect most of us get flying on an airplane. At which point most of us put our hands between our legs. Although I can’t recall EVER seeing anyone on a plane with their hands between their legs masturbating.


FYI: An actual sonogram image

Of course this all has to do with the abortion issue. Which, I’m not taking a stand on either way. Um…ok…..screw it….I’ll take a stand on it while my hands are between my legs. ANYTHING to do with regard to a woman’s body is and should be a WOMAN’S choice. Within reason of course. Such as the health of a woman and the fetus. As well as in instances of rape etc. Disagree with me. That’s fine. BUT……..

But….for a Congressman and former doctor to even insert masturbation into the mix to make a pont about a fetus feeling pleasure and or pain……IDIOTIC! Not that a fetus could possibly feel pleasure or pain, BUT…that a fetus could masturbate.


Look….because any guy will tell you that in order to masturbate you first have to have a copy of Playboy Magazine or some really great naked pictures of some women you downloaded from the Internet. And….a really good imagination.

Lacking delivery service of “Playboy Magazine” to the womb, as well as no Internet Wi-Fi access, it would be very hard for any male fetus in the womb to get it on. I base this on the fact that besides not having the prior aforementioned items whilst in the womb, how would any fetus know what the hell masturbation is anyhow?

Yes….yes…..I know. When we were little itsy bitsy boys it felt good to touch our wee wees. BUT….that was it. As I recall, I may have discovered it was a nice feeling to touch my wee wee when I was wee wee, (can’t remember anything before I was 6…..including my own time in the womb) but never really discovered masturbation till I was maybe, 9 or 10 tops. Which…..was about the time I started ripping off Playboy Magazines from the local convenience store. Which, was kinda convenient.

But in the womb! I thinkith NOT Mr. my brains are up my ass Congressman. Maybe, as you state, pleasure and pain, but only due to other things. Like when mommy scarfs down a burrito and bean salad and all that gas builds up and you, as a trapped fetus, have nowhere to go. And no room fresheners to hang in there with you. Thus the “pain” part.”


Hmmm. Have you considered taking a few “Beano” tablets Mrs. Frubush?

As for the “pleasure” part. Trust me on this, it ain’t from masturbating. More likely when mom scarfs down a banana split and the fetus gets its first taste of that delight. NOW THAT’S PLEASURE! Or, chocolate, a smoothie from McDonald’s, or, in the case of extreme pleasure, which may have been what that idiot Congressman saw, a really big mommy helping of “Betty Crocker’s” devil’s food cake with double chocolate frosting and cherries.

Cripes, I’d consider masturbating at the thought of eating Betty Crocker….um…sorry….I meant eating Betty Crocker’s devils food chocolate cake with double chocolate frosting and cherries.

Care to join me Congressman?

Um….for cake that is.

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Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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