The fact that Google and other sites are sharing my personal information, along with the government, my two ex wives, the mailman and my next door neighbor, doesn’t bother me at all.
Why you ask? Because my life is so freakin’ boring I actually want anyone, someone, whoever, to share my personal information. Why do ya think I write this stinkin’ blog every single day. So I can get some attention for cripes sake!
They wanna monitor my daily activities….I say….bring it on.
For instance. I arose this morning, stumbled into the bathroom, peed, and then washed my hands, looked into the mirror, and once again said to myself, “Who the f**k is that old geezer looking back at me in the mirror.” Monitor THAT NSA!
(I did check my mirror for hidden cameras)
Then scarfed down a slice of toast and coffee, stumbled into the MisfitWisdom blog office, (a spare bedroom, but, it’s an office to me) and posted my blog links. (at which point several Internet spies picked up on my use of the word “mega” which in turn they alerted the IRS just in case I was writing about hitting a “Megabucks” jackpot and didn’t report it to the IRS)
Then, having free slot play at my local casino, (doesn’t everybody have a local casino in their neighborhood) I drove there and proceeded to play my $10 free slot play. Which took approximately 3 minutes. (It was at this point I noticed the casino cameras recording my every move just in case I hit a huge jackpot, at which point, they too would notify the IRS)
(I frequently invoke the “bird gesture” when spotting cameras in the casino elevators and on the casino floor……just to brighten up those security people locked in an office somewhere and are very bored)
Then, not having hit a jackpot, I ventured off with my other half to get our free complimentary coffee and pastry courtesy of the casino. Once again I could see cameras watching me, (which is why I did not rip off any “Splenda”) and simply played it cool so as not to arouse suspicion. (my other half did rip off extra Splenda while I distracted the surveillance camera by scratching my crotch but we did not use the ripped off packets in our coffee lest those cameras catch me using more than the allotted amount)
I then drove to my local convenience store, bought a lottery ticket, and once again noticed a camera peering over my shoulder. Obviously to see what numbers I was playing, which the government then plays, and actually hits a jackpot. But, not necessarily on MY numbers, but some other persons numbers who just happened to have a winning Powerball ticket. (the government always wins when somebody else wins and THEY don’t even buy any lottery tickets) Bastards.
On the drive back home crossing a bridge I noticed, as I have for the gazillionth time, a lone seagull sitting atop a lamppost. I thought this kind of suspicious considering it was pouring rain and any self-respecting seagull would not be sitting on a lamppost in the pouring rain. I suspect this particular seagull was recruited by the government and was equipped with a camera as well as it appeared to be preening itself, but in reality it was making a note of my license plate.
I simply waved just to let them government people know they aren’t fooling me. I didn’t fall off the avocado boat yesterday ya know.
Once back home I decided to check my bank account. Knowing full well that the government knows every move I make. Like if I went to my savings account and transferred money to my checking account, jusssst in case they thought I was hiding money in my secret savings account and then could catch me moving money around.
Now, because they monitor my phone line, and bank activity, they now know I transferred $10 from my savings account to my checking account for a grand total of $10.98. I confess, I secretly stashed that $10 I won at the casino last week without notifying the IRS about it. I expect a letter from them within the next week wanting to conduct an audit.
I basically wasted the rest of the afternoon by catching a cat nap, but not before setting my computer search bar to search for naked photos of Betty White while I snorked. Drives those anti-porn people absolutely nuts. You know how they like to raid people’s houses and haul off their computers hoping to find naked photos of Betty White.
I actually did find one, printed it, then destroyed my computer, hard drive and modem. Lest they do raid my house and seize my computer.
I then mailed the photo of Betty White to a secret post office box in the Cayman Islands. Which….is where I’ll go when I hit Powerball immediately after cashing the check before the IRS comes after me for their cut of the winnings. Should I never hit Powerball, Edwardo, the 80 year-old guy who takes care of my post office box and sorts out my mail is really gonna like not having to give up that photo naked photo of Betty White.
As the evening approached, my other half and I watched a Red Sox baseball game while still searching for the listening devices that we both agree is planted somewhere out on our enclosed patio. This based on the fact that there are way too many inputs for my liking on our HDTV set that appear to be of no use, along with the fact that if I so much as comment on a play during the baseball game, ten seconds later, Don Orsillo, the Red Sox announcer says the very same thing.
So, does it bother me that the government along with everybody else is monitoring me? Nope. I got nothin’ to hide ya damn snoops.
As for the rest of you out there who are going bonkers because you think your every move is being monitored by the government, if you’re not hiding something, what the hell are you afraid of. Or, to quote a famous quote: “What’s in YOUR wallet.” (Capital One Government Surveillance Team)
If it’s condoms, no problem. Government doesn’t give a rats ass who you’re screwing……as long as it’s safe sex. And not Monica Lewinsky.
UNLESS……they catch you screwing someone, preferably a female, who works for the CIA, FBI, NSA, or some other government agency that has sensitive boobs…um….sorry, I meant sensitive information, and during the heat of passion yells out something like, “OMG….OMG….OMG……honeeee you were fantastic and that’s the best sex I’ve had since I was bugging the Russian Embassy last week and this guy Boris hit on me.”
THEN…..you might have a problem Houston.
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