Yep, the iconic “Crown Victoria” police car will soon be going the way of the Royal Crown, once Queen Elizabeth decides to step down and hand over the Crown Victoria…um….sorry, I mean the Royal Crown. Royal Crown being the crown that the Queen wears on her head and not the bottle of Seagrams Crown Royal she has stashed under her robe.
HEY! Being a Queen is kinda stressful ya know!!
Ford, the car company, and not Glen Ford, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Gerald Ford, Harrison Ford or Chevy Chase, has decided to scrap production of the Crown Victoria later this year. Which has a lot of police departments up in arms. As well as night sticks and handcuffs. Considering the Crown Victoria has been the choice of police departments since police departments were formed back in New York City in 1626.
(for the record, as brainiacs will challenge my facts regarding police departments, the first “Sheriffs Department was formed in N.Y. City, as I stated, in 1626 and the first “police” department in Boston, Massachusetts in 1838, but I’m not quite sure which of those two police departments drove the very first Ford Crown Victoria)
However, considering “Seagrams Crown Royal” whiskey was first manufactured in 1939, I’m quite sure most police departments had Crown Royal’s stashed in their desks from that year on. As for driving Crown Victoria’s at that time, I may be mistaken.
Anyhow, now that Ford has announced that they will no longer manufacture the Crown Victoria, (the car and not the whiskey) police departments all over the United States are in a state of panic. Well, um, not really in a state of panic, but I thought it would make this story more interesting if I said that they were.
Actually they are quite calm about the whole deal. In fact, they’ve even come up with some ideas for replacements for the Crown Victoria. None of which involve the use of drones. And only because, as much as they would like to use drones, you just can’t have a really good cop car chase using a drone. Basically would make cop car chase scenes in movies really obsolete and kinda dull if they were to eliminate actual cars.
No people, buildings, other cars, or innocent animals to crash into if you’re driving a drone up in the air. Except for other drones, which, when ya think about it, might make for a good futuristic cop drone chasing a bad guy drone scene.
(NOTE: send this idea to Steven Spielberg.)
Some police departments are refusing to give in to the changing times. In South Carolina for instance, a few police departments are buying up as many Crown Victorias as they can get their hands on before production of the car ceases.
“It’s a legend going down,” said North Charleston Mayor Keith Summery, “summering” up the situation. His sentiments were also echoed by other police officials and sheriffs, most notable, Buford T. Justice. (photo below)
Um, no Buford, it won’t be THAT bad.
Police departments are considering replacing the Crown Royal…oops…sorry, replacing the Crown Victoria with Ford’s new line of Police Interceptors. Hookers dressed up as cops that will lure criminals into a trap whereas they won’t need police cars….just good pairs of running sneakers like Nike’s and Adidas.
(Police Interceptors are NOT police that intercept a couple who are parked in a car in a wooded area late at night jumping each others bones……although it’s very similar)
WAIT! Here’s what the new cars really are. The new line of Police Interceptors will be based on the Ford Taurus sedan and will come with four-wheel drive, 3.5 liters of Crown Royal…um….sorry again, that should read, “a 3.5 liter 263-horsepower V-6 model and an all-wheel drive 3.5 liter V-6 twin turbo model with 365 horsepower. Which is far more powerful than Superman and the old Crown Victoria models.
In addition to the traditional safety features, (bottles of Crown Royal in padded bags so they won’t break) the new cruisers will have such safety features as larger brakes, (for officers with really bigggg feet) side-curtain airbags, (the ones with cute ruffles) and a hands-free information system that will allow officers to grope hookers who are under arrest……no, that’s not right….hold on a sec.
Oh….sorry…..that should read, “which will allow officers to operate communications equipment by voice control.”
Like when they’re driving through a donut shop instead of having to yell out their order into one of those drive thru speakers, the communications system in the new police cars yells it out for them. How neat is THAT!
But wait! There’s more. The new cars also have radar sensors to detect cross-traffic, a color rear-view mirror camera system, (with the NBC “In Living Color” peacock superimposed on the camera screen) and an alert system that notifies the driver with a light on the rear-view mirror when something enters the vehicles blind spot. Like those pesky stray dogs that like to pee on tires.
Seton Montgomerie, (who obviously does not know how to spell his last name correctly) owns a dealership and is not quite happy with Ford’s decision to deep six the Crown Victoria. “Chevy did the same thing 16 years ago and they lost their share of the market.. Everyone knows what a police car looks like. It’s subliminal marketing for Ford. I don’t know why they want to take that away.”
I tend to agree with Seton. I remember those Chevy police cars vividly. They looked like inverted bloated bathtubs. Police departments did have much success with those awful looking Chevy’s however. Only because most perps, (TV police program lingo) were laughing so hard when being chased by those silly looking cars they were easy to apprehend.
So, in conclusion, you can say goodby to an era. The demise of the Police Interceptor Crown Victoria.
There was no mention in this article if the transition from Crown Victoria’s to Ford Taurus cruisers will have any effect on police dogs as well. Considering they are considered members of the police department as well. If these new cruisers have cloth seats, the dogs may be relegated to going back pounding the beat.
Now, if we can only convince Queen Elizabeth to give up HER Crown, (not a Victoria) we could possibly have some sort of commemoration to mark the passing of both events.
Perhaps something spectacular. Like the Queen driving down New York City’s Madison Avenue in the last Crown Victoria to come off Ford’s production line passing by all those ad agencies wearing her crown for the last time sitting on the back seat of a convertible Crown Victoria while swigging on a commemorative bottle of Crown Royal.
Kinda fitting don’t ya think mum?
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