“Not Tonight Dear, I Have A Headache.”

Yes, those seven words that send chills down men’s spines. Even worse than receiving a letter form the IRS saying that you’re going to be audited. “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” Which also answers the burning question, ‘Why are there so many headache relief products on counter store shelves?”headache

Obviously because women have so many damn freakin’ headaches when men wanna mess around.

But, once again another website has come to the rescue of all mankind. “iVillage.com” and reporter Ronnie Koenig, has posted “20 Reasons Why You Might Not Like Sex (And How to Snap The Hell Out Of It.”)

Other than divorcing the slug you may be married to that is.

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A sure sign of trouble in paradise

So I decided to look at a few of the ones that caught my eye. I would have listed all 20 of their suggestions but some were kinda lame, like, “You’re Not Lubricated,” which isn’t really a problem if you make a concentrated effort to visit your local “Jiffy Lube” franchise at least once a month. HEY! If it’s fine for your car or truck, why not your spouse for cripes sake. Besides, you can always get a two for one deal….your vehicle and her.

So here’s some of the ones I thought needed mentioning.

“You Don’t Masturbate” “Masturbation is one of the best ways to get to know your body so that you can tell your partner what you want,” says Lou Paget, certified sex educator and author of “The Big O: Orgasms: How To Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming.”

Hmmm…..Hey Lou!  “Tell your partner what you want?’  Really! Like, “HEY, I’M TIRED OF MASTURBATING CAN YA GIVE ME A HAND HERE!”

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And you know how it is…if you’re retired “work” is a dirty word.

“You Don’t Ask For What You Want.”  The article says that if you’re too shy to speak up, sex will surely continue to be something you dread. They suggest that you stand in front of a mirror and practice telling your lover what you want.

Hmmm…………….

Given the tendency of mirrors to be a bunch of lying SOB’s, (refer to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and wicked stepmother episode) I’d pass on the mirror suggestion and just use the subtle approach. Like perhaps slipping a few suggestions into your shopping list as your partner heads to the store, Like, sugar, coffee, bread, milk, sex. They then might get the message that you want something. Or…..lead them to immediately jump that hot female cashier at the grocery store.

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Never trust a lying’ stinkin’ mirror

“You’re Worried About Doing It The “Right” Way.” Don’t concern yourself with what your friends are doing. The only “right way” to have sex is the way that feels good to you.

So, I’m thinking that if your idea of having sex that really turns you on, or floats your boat, so to speak, is to go at it in the back of a pickup truck while your partner is busy loading up horse manure, hey, go for it. Who’s to say whats right and what’s wrong.

But of course the right thing would be to shower immediately afterwards, Just sayin.’

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Sooooooo, sex is not an option then?

“You Don’t Realize That There Are Benefits To Sex.” YES! That’s what we men have been telling women since we lived in caves and had club women over the head to have sex with them. Benefits. All those benefits from having sex.

Um…hold on a sec. Let me see what the article says the benefits are…..besides the great touchy feely stuff.

Ohhhhh. I see. The benefits are “hormones” that are released after sex/orgasms. Which, is FACTUAL, according to the article, so it HAS to be true, as is everything that’s on the Internet, including that “hormones, when released, can help you relax and feel good. AND….if you focus on the fact that sex is healthy you might like it more.”YES!!!!

It’s what I’ve been telling my other half for years. Why waste time every day walking around the town track exercising and wearing out good pairs of sneakers when all ya have to do is have sex, which is HEALTHY, makes us men HAPPY, and really makes us FEEL GOOD. PLUS….we’re contributing to women’s health as well by helping them to release those healthy hormones. See ladies….we really do care.

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And to think….all she had to do was let us men help her release those great hormones

“You’ve Had Bad Sexual Experiences In The Past.”  “A combination of a trusted new partner who’s willing to go slowly with you and a good therapist can help you change your old, negative associates with sex.”

Yep, I agree. Put those past bad sexual experiences outta your mind. Move forward. If those bad memories of one night stands with really homely people or sheep enter your mind, dismiss it immediately and focus on who you’re with. Unless you’re still having sex with homely people and sheep. No offense to sheep.

Hang in….just a few more important tips.

“You’re A Control Freak.” “The key to enjoying sex is being able to let go, and let yourself go. Stop trying to always be in charge of the outcome or situation.”

So how do you tell if you are a control freak? My guess would be if you are very strict with your spouse. For instance, if he has just taken Viagra, gets an erection, and you make him, and it, stand at attention while yelling out “Sieg Heil!”  Sorry, it’s the only thing that I could, (pardon the pun) come “up” with as an example.

There are a lot more reasons why you might not like sex in this article, but for the sake of not getting into writing a novel here, I’m just going to list some of the others briefly and center on one final one.

Some other sex issues: “You Have Trust Issues,” “You’re Exhausted,” “Because He Keeps Bugging You For It All The Time,” (use a can of RAID) “You’ve Never Had An Orgasm,” (not even a Wurlitizer) “You Feel Too Much Pressure To Like It,” “You Are Just Not That Sexual Of A Person,” “Because You Haven’t Been Having Sex,” “You’re Bored With Your Partner, ” and “You’re Not Attracted To Him.”

Cripes…..no wonder Ronnie needed to write this article about 20 reasons you might not like sex. Who the freak did she interview to get those 20 reasons anyhow?

Um….never mind. I think it may have been one of my ex wives. Or yours. Kinda of a toss-up there.

In conclusion, if your spouse is experiencing ANY of these problems, just shoot yourself.

Trust me on that one. Otherwise you’re gonna spend many a lonely night without sex because of all of these problems. Plus spending a gazillion dollars in shrink fees to cure her of all these damn phobias. And by the time she’s finally cured, if ever, you’ll both be in a senior assisted living facility and have no idea what the hell sex is anyhow.

Then again………skanks

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to “Not Tonight Dear, I Have A Headache.”

  1. I think you’re living in the 1950s… or just the wrong continent. 😉
    This type of problem is really dated.

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