Who should know more about sex tips than the Christian Right. Um, did I mention that these tips are basically what THEY think we should do rather than what THEY actually do. I base this on a lot of the “off the freakin’ wall” comments some, not all, on the Christian Right have made regarding relationships, women’s rights, and (gasp) sex.
Foremost, our dear fine feathered friend Pat Robertson. Bless his little abstention heart.
”Planned Parenthood is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism everything that the Bible condemns.” (Pat Robertson quote)
Lest you thinkith that I, a mere blasphemer, destined to go directly to Hell for blasphermizing, (my word) sex tips from Christians, I hereby submit for blasphermizing, (my word again) a few suggestions from the Christian Right some sex tips that all of us should follow. Courtesy of the web site, “AlterNet.com.”
“Be A Better Housekeeper To Prevent Cheating.” Good ol Pat has suggested that one way to keep a no goodnick husband who has a wandering eye is to keep a really clean home. I would have guessed getting him a pair of blinders. Or go the Lorena Bobbitt route. Both actually work.
But, according to Pat, “What you want to do is make a home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.” Implying that if you women clean floors, bake bread, and use a lot of “Glade” air fresheners he’ll never think of having an affair. Works for me.
My other half stocks every room with air fresheners and I NEVER think of sex or having an affair. Mostly because those air fresheners make me freakin’ nauseous and sex is the last thing on my mind. Next to barfing.
“Women Need To Submit To Their Husbands.” And they’re not talking about women “submitting” receipts from J C Penny to their husbands that they think he should pay out of the kindness of his heart. NO……submission means, according to Richard Strauss from “Bible.org,” that women are to obey their husbands at all times, even when he’s being cruel. “Obedience is not to be practiced only when you feel like it, or when you wholeheartedly agree with your husband, or when he is treating you with Christ-like love, but in everything!”
I assume Strauss meant “EVERYTHING.” Or, sending your wife to be trained at obedience school along with your pet dog Rover.
“Woman, me Mongo. Mongo want sex…..and me want it NOW!”
“B-b-b-b-but Mongo honey. I’m not feeling very well today. My leg is still in a cast from the last time you wanted sex when we were riding that ferris wheel, and on top of that it’s that time of the month again.”
“Me Mongo…..Mongo want sex NOW!”
“B-b-b-b-but Mongo sweetie, are you sure that Mr. Strauss wouldn’t make an exception in my case considering I’ve kept the house clean and it smells really nice?”
“How To Make Sex Interesting In A Christian Marriage.” According to the “SOP” (standard operating procedure) Christians are expected to abstain from sex until marriage, but for evangelicals, as soon as you get married, you’re supposed to immediately drop your pants…..um…sorry…read it wrong. It should be, “immediately drop years of prudish sexual avoidance and throw yourself completely into your intimate relationship.
Or, throw yourself completely on top of your man and yell out, “Take me you monster!”
According to this article, because many proponents of wifely submission come down hard on women who are reluctant to have sex as often as their husbands want to, in an attempt to overcome the problems with these expectations, some Christians have created sex advice web sites such as, “Christian Nymphos” to get their readers in touch with those sexual desires they spent years repressing.
Makes sense to me.
(making note: Join Christian Nymphos)
So then we have Christian leader George Alan Rekers in 2010 who took a trip with a 20 year-old “rent boy” or commonly known as a gay male prostitute, while at the same time taking a stand on the pulpit against homosexuals.
Or, Eddie L. Long, a Bishop, who in 2010, enticed men into consensual sexual relationships in return for money and goods.
(WTF was going on in 2010 anyhow?)
Oops….in 2010 television evangelist Marcus Lamb, (baa) said WTF and had an extramarital affair. Might as well go with the 2010 sex flow stuff.
And, in 2010, obviously a great year for all this stuff, former pastor Vaughn Reeves duped investors out of $13.1 million dollars. No sex involved here however. Unless you count the investors who got screwed. Reeves is presently serving his flock behind bars after being sentenced to a 54 year jail term.
Finally, music minister John Langworthy in 2011, which I guess you could say broke that 2010 sex cycle, was nailed for having “sexual indiscretions” with younger men.
So, all in all, these are the people who have sex tips for us….but not for them.
Um….think I’ll take a pass on those tips thank you.
Rats! I’m going straight to Hell aren’t I.
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