The Mystery Of The Unmarried Pregnant Anteater

I’m tellin’ ya, with all of the scandals engulfing Washington these days, it’s just fodder for Republicans to go after President Obama for whatever they can go after him for. Now yet another scandal that most likely has White House connections. And you heard it here first.

In Greenwich, Connecticut an anteater has given birth at a conservative center. Um, wait, that’s not right. Sorry. it should read, “an anteater has given birth at a conservation center prompting officials to wonder how the mother conceived.” Considering the anteater was not married, lived alone, and was not into the dating scene, this may have conservatives up in arms if the anteater was receiving any government subsidies such as food stamps.

This also has absolutely nothing to do with Bristol Palin.

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Oh yeah….did I mention I’m pregnant too?

Conservatives were also immediately ruled out as having anything to do with the pregnancy as we all know that most conservatives do not have sex as experienced by the inability of conservatives to distinguish between sex and sox. And considering conservatives believe Sandra Fluke, who was on birth control pills was considered a slut. Or as Rep. Todd Aikin, (R) Missouri once said, ” “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Which means that if per chance the anteater was raped, it should have shut down its body so that it would not have become pregnant. Which obviously means this anteater did not either shut it body down if it were indeed raped, or, it simply, as Sandra Fluke was according to Rush Limbaugh, a slut.

Or, the pregnancy just could be a fluke.

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In yet another story, an anteater in Greenwich, Ct. says she was assaulted by an unidentified anteater last month and………..

Officials at the “Leo Zoological Conservation Center,” NOT “Conservative Zoological Center,” which is almost the same except that they do not restrain their animals as they do in a zoo, told the “Greenwich Time” they had removed the only male anteater from the enclosure, (anteater condo) in August, long before the six month gestation period for a baby, named Archie, would have begun.

In layman’s terms, for those of you who have no clue as to what “gestation period” means, and think that it is a dot that you put at the end of a sentence when you’re writing a letter and eating, it means that the female anteater who is pregnant did not have enough time to have a night out with a male anteater to become pregnant.

Unless, they were meeting on the sly without the knowledge of zoo officials. Which is quite possible considering you just can’t keep an eye on what the freak anteaters do 24 hours a day. Boring!

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Very popular song by The Drifters

So little Archie the anteater was born this past April with no knowledge of who his father is. Which of course will lead to another scandal within the White House because obviously the female anteater will now have to apply for state assistance to support Archie which means yet another anteater receiving an entitlement, which means Republicans will be all up in arms, or ants, screaming that it was Obama’s fault for allowing unsupervised anteaters  to have sex in the first place.

I sense an anteater investigation coming down the pike. Congress will act immediately to investigate why the anteater was left alone, how it was able to have unsupervised sex, and who knew it had sex and when.

Marcella Leone, founder and director of the conservation enter, suspects that this might be a rare case of delayed implantation, which is when fertilized eggs remain dormant in the uterus for a period of time.

Oh sure Marcella, the old coverup. Well let me tell ya, Republicans and conservatives are not gonna buy THAT explanation. No way Jose. Wait till Limbaugh gets ants in his pants and gets on this story. Heads will roll. Limbaugh will put the frosting on the ol cake when he exposes what the hell is going on in this huge anteater scandal. That is if actual ants do not get to the frosting and cake first. Then, it’ll be a lack of evidence that will exonerate the zoo and the anteater.

m

As his attorney, I can vouch that he was in Antarctica at the time your client claims she became pregnant.

However, given the fact that eons ago a star rose in the East on a dark night and three wise men recognized that this was an important event, enough to travel miles bearing gifts to a newborn, then that might be the simple explanation as to how this baby anteater was conceived.

Hey! Everyone’s constantly awaiting the return of the Messiah. Who says the Messiah can’t be in the form of a baby anteater? Are we too stupid to realize that God works in strange ways?

All the signs are there. No father in sight. The anteater had no sexual relations with any other anteater. It’s in an enclosure possibly made out of straw and has none of the finer stuff you find in high scale anteater residents. And, just like Joseph and Mary, had to take refuge in a stable.  Can’t ya see the similarities?  It’s right there in plain sight.

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And she’s pregnant!

So, if I were those zoo officials I’d start looking into the “immaculate conception” theory immediately. Don’t wanna piss off an anteater if it’s really you know whose son returning in the form of an anteater ya know.

(Note to zoo officials) If you happen to spot three ants bearing some sort of offerings for this baby anteater call the Pope in Italy immediately.

Just sayin.

http://youtu.be/vWZ-pLUb9L8

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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