Hey, and you thought us freakin’ seniors just sat around all day playing bingo and farting. Well screw you pal…..literally.
Well have I got a wake up call for all of you. Besides playing bingo and farting, we’re also helping to strengthen the economy by running our own prostitution ring with honest to goodness prostitutes. And no…..they’re NOT senior prostitutes. But real life hot looking eat your heart out fish net stocking type “so whaddya want me to do” type prostitutes.
I lied……they are senior prostitutes,
But, there’s nothing shoddy about THIS operation fella. So get your wallets out and f**k, um….fork over the cash. Visa and MasterCard accepted.
As one web site reported, “Call it Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll Assisted Living.” I guess with a little assist from some really great prescription medications. My guess anyhow.
The “Examiner.com” reports that the prostitution ring was run by a 75 year-old New Jersey man, James Parham, and that his helpers were elderly residents who were used as sex workers. But it wasn’t just sex, but cocaine as well. Oops….so much for the prescription medications.
So, my question is, were these hooker hookers or elderly hookers?
The difference being, hooker hookers are obviously hookers who, for the most part, are young, say for the sake of argument, from 20 to 30 years of age, (30 pushing the envelope a tad) while elderly hookers most likely fall into the 65 to death category. Near death elderly hookers obviously come with a discount, lest during the heat of passion said elderly hooker suddenly buys the farm. Kinda like an instant rebate.
Now the strange part of this story is that none of the senior prostitutes were arrested. Most likely because it would have been way too much of a problem loading scooters, wheelchairs, canes and oxygen tanks into paddy wagons. But, that 75 year-old guy was arrested and charged with being a damn pervert.
Um, no, that was not what he was actually charged with but I bet they thought about it. He was charged with “maintaining a nuisance” and having possession of drug paraphernalia.
The nuisance might have been a bunch of 75-year-old hookers forgoing their crocheting hooks to hook something else. In this instance, elderly men in an assisted living facility who wanted more than a freakin’ afghan crocheted for them.
“Hey Martha baybee. Whatcha makin’ there?”
“It’s an afghan so that you can feel nice and warm and fuzzy when you wrap it around yourself Elmer.”
“Hey, neat, really looks great. So what do ya charge for one.?
“$300 dollars! Holy crap Martha. For $300 that damn afghan better do more than keep me warm and fuzzy!”
“Yes, I know Elmer, that’s why we’re charging you $300 for the afghan. It comes with some really great accessories honey. Realllly great accessories if ya catch my drift.”
Along with Parham, 65 year-old Cheryl Chaney, (no relation to Lon or Dick) has been accused of allowing senior residents and their visitors to feel cracks on the hoo…..um….sorry, read that wrong. It should read, “has been accused of allowing senior residents and their visitors to “use crack” in their apartments. Sorry, got sidetracked with my mind on hookers.
Parham ran the prostitution ring through his apartments and used a mix of young and older residents.
Considering this was a senior citizen housing complex I’d sure as hell wanna know where that claim of, “a mix of young and older women” comes into play.”
I mean, as far as I know, the term “senior citizens housing” leads me to believe that those residing there are seniors. Sooooooooo, if ya say, “younger women,” do ya mean 65 in deference to 90 or so?
“Yeah Jim, I want a younger chick. How bout that hot babe over there in the oxygen tent?”
“Good choice Barney, she just turned 66 yesterday…..AND….she still has her own teeth!”
In all fairness not all of the hookers, um, sorry, not all of the seniors in the complex welcomed the opportunity to supplement their incomes with extracurricular activities. And I’m not talkin’ about bingo or crocheting here. Some said that they felt rather uncomfortable with a few of their elderly neighbors working as “sex workers.”
Yep, alway a few party poopers in the crowd.
Um, Misfit, yer taklin’ about elderly senior citizens here.
So where exactly did all of this torrid elderly sex take place? According to reports, the activities took place in common areas of the complex. So common that some seniors were afraid to go to certain apartment complex areas because they were afraid for their lives.
Which is completely understandable. Ya go to do your laundry, bend over to put some clothes in the dryer, and the next thing ya know someone’s slipping a $100 dollar bill into your “Bounce” fabric softener dryer sheet box asking you for a bounce in the sheets. Or $100 in your “Snuggle” bottle for a snuggle and a quickie.
I don’t EVEN wanna think about what ya get for $100 using Arm & Hammer. Kinky sex I guess.
As one of the senior residents of the senior citizen housing complex phrased it, “a lot of nonsense going on.”
What she actually meant was, “Them ol coots are f**king their nonsensical brains out.”
Obviously the press cleaned up her comments for this story.
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