Now You Can Pull Your Own Teeth. Do It Yourself Dentistry…Oh Joy!

dentist 2

Why it was just last week that I said to myself, “Geez, if I could only give myself a route canal without having to pay all the expenses that it would entail.”  Not that I actually need a root canal, but I thought it might be fun to attempt one.

Only because those sly Britons have come up with a way to perform dentistry on yourself without the need to haul your butt off to a dentist and have him stick his “who know where they’ve been hands” into your mouth. And at the same time attempt to carry on a conversation with you.

“So Mr. Grosdnick, it’s been some time since we’ve seen you here at the “Pain R Us.” dentistry clinic…….how ya been?”


“Now now, don’t try to talk while I have my two hands, a box of cotton balls and this jack hammer inside of your mouth.”


Do NOT go to that 10th one

So, no need to go through all that stuff again. Nope. Now you can stick all that stuff into your own mouth right at home and never have to carry on another conversation as well. Unless your spouse asks you some dumb question while you’re doing dentistry on yourself.

“Dear, the house is on fire, do you know where the fire extinguisher is!”

Gulf War veteran Ian Boynton, 46, who lives in Woodmansey, East Yorkshire, which I assume is in England, pulled out 13 of his teeth with a pair of pliers because he was in agony and could not find a dentist to treat him. This due to the soaring costs of receiving professional dental care. So, when in doubt, or broke, use a pair of pliers.


Or say the hell with it and go with the budget option

In another case, a 46 year-old man from Wandsworth, South London, needed major surgery after he stuck a crown into his mouth with super glue which ultimately rotted the bone in his gum. There was no mention in this story as to whether the crown was part of Queen Elizabeth’s crown inventory of crowns. I assume she has various crowns for various occasions.

So this is where the do it yourself part comes into play. As I said earlier, the rising cost of dental care has forced a lot of people to come up with their own home-made solutions. Just like our first President, George Washington, came up with the idea of having dentures made out of wood. Obviously to save a few bucks.

It was only after discovering that he had a severe case of termiteitus, (termites gnawing at his teeth during the night as he slept) that he eventually went to a dentist and received a new set of dentures made out of copper fashioned by that famous coppersmith Paul Revere, who also, as an added incentive to purchase his new copper teeth, threw in a really great set of Revereware pots and pans for ol George.

Hey…ya don’t believe me, ask Sarah Palin for cripes sake! Ya think I make this stuff up?


“Hey great job doc…but, um…will I still talk with a lisp?”

Obviously going to a dentist would be the best route to go if you are having any dental problems rather than attempting to do it yourself. Unless of course you feel that the cost of going to a dentist is beyond your means. Which it is for many Britons and other people across the world as well.  Except for cannibals, who usually boil or saute their food until it is tender enough to just gum it to pieces.

I only assume that’s what cannibals do because I have never seen a photo of a cannibal with a good set of teeth. Other than the ones their wearing around their necks from various food sources.



It’s true that the cost of dentistry has skyrocketed. Many of us simply cannot afford going to the dentist anymore. So the Briton’s may be on to something here. All it needs is a little bit more refinement when it comes to home dentistry.

Need a tooth, or a few teeth taken out. Tell your spouse she looks really fat in that new dress she just bought. (savings $250)

Need a root canal. One simple procedure while you’re shaving with your Gillette razor can solve that problem. A needle and thread afterwards and SHAZAM,! a completed home root canal. (savings $1,600)

Need a new set of dentures. A can of silly putty, an elephant’s ivory tusk, which you can find just about anywhere, and a chisel and you’re all set. Fashion your teeth, bake in the oven at 300 degrees, and you’ll be eating steak in one hour. (savings $2,500)

And finally, for those pesky cavities that need to be filled. A soldering gun and solder……how brilliant is THAT! (savings $ 1,200) One tip however. When inserting the soldering gun into your mouth along with the hot solder, have someone else do it for you. You know how hard it is to talk when a dentist is performing dentistry on you. And in this instance, violent screaming and thrashing about will not make the procedure any easier for you.

Just sayin.’


Just for the record….why my last dentist, Ms. Flosnick, refuses to make any more appointments for me.

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Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV



About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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