Today of course, as we all know by now, especially if you forgot to get your mother a mother’s day card, is Mothers Day. The day which we all pay our respects to all mothers for putting up with our bullshit when we were little twerps and had no actual brains.
For many of us, now perhaps grown ups, and still some without actual brains, it’s a wonder we survived childhood without being murdered or at the least severely flogged.
Now on this day I’d obviously thank my own mother for raising me knowing full well that I’d spend most of my entire life being a worthless radio disc jockey and not really amounting to anything. But, I actually did not have a mother.
This was evidenced by her obituary a few years ago which listed her two grandchildren, a few great-grandchildren, but no actual son. Which led me to belive that I was either an alien she discovered on her back doorstep one dark evening or, that my real name is Clark Kent and she didn’t want anyone to know she was Superman’s mother.
The real truth to this is that I am actually Superman.
Ok…..the real truth to this is that we had a major falling out many eons ago due to a divorce, (mine) and she had to choose between accepting the fact that I moved to outer Mongolia while my ex, who got custody of my two kids, remained close at hand.
Nothing of the sort. Like, “Your father is a low down no good drunk who rapes dogs.” Or, “Your father never paid any child support, the dirty bastard, and therefore I had to trade in my BMW for a freakin’ Volkswagen.” Or, “Your father was a womanizer and wouldn’t settle down like normal men, unlike myself. Just ask your five stepfathers.” And of course my favorite, “If he cared at all about you kids he wouldn’t have divorced me. Murder me maybe, but at least he would have been a good father.”
In all fairness to my ex’s…um…..er……well, um, they ARE actual mothers so I HAVE to give them some sort of credit on Mother’s Day.
Thanks for raising my two kids (first wife) and thanks for raising your three kids, (2nd wife-stepchildren) and thanks for holding onto that, “he’s a low down no goodnik rotten slime ball slug of the earth.” (image drilled into their little heads for the past gazillion years.)
Now I’m in no way implying that all ex wives, and mothers are anything like what I just wrote about. Only 90 %. It’s the American Mother way. Or….the American ex-wife mother way. 12th Commandment….”Hate and despise thy ex.”
(God included that 12th commandment after Moses and his wife fought a lot because Moses was always out climbing mounts and never at home doing chores, which ticked off Mrs. Moses, so God figured he’d better include that new commandment jusssssst in case)
Of course I did have a substitute mother. It was my grandmother who took possession of me at 9 days old because my mother, if I had actually had one, was too busy doing other stuff to be bothered raising me. Which, was really a smart move on her part considering, as I said earlier, I would eventually amount to nothing but a worthless disc jockey and eventually a (sigh) worthless blogger. Geez…..even “I” would have dumped me off on someone else.
Maybe Clark Kent’s parents. Cripes, they were into adopting strange kids.
“Martha, are ya sure we did the right thing adopting this kid after we found him in that field?”
“Jonathan, sure we did. Just think of the money we’re saving visiting all our other relatives.”
“Oh, ya mean the airline fees. Yeah, I guess yer right. Little Clark can fly us anywhere can’t he.”
“Yes, and there’s no having to go through those damn airline body scanner checks.”
So in essence my grandmother was my mother. And I pay tribute to her today for all the years she raised me knowing full well that I would, (again) become a worthless radio disc jockey and useless Internet blogger.
But ya know, it’s not a case of who actually gave birth to you in the end. It’s who selfishly took on the responsibility of raising you if your own mother did not. This goes for step parents as well. In this case, step mothers. Who, for the most part, do not get the credit they so well deserve. Including Clark Kent’s mother. Who could never go on a talk show and boast about her son being Superman.
But…perhaps the free air rides to visit relatives might have been enough for Mrs.Kent. And for his dad, Superman’s ability to go to the mall, sit on a bench, and use his ex ray vision to ogle women while Mrs. Kent was shopping thereby making it a really great day out for Mr.Kent.
Happy Mother’s Day you mothers.
And I say that with love and affection.
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