Shocking news about Jamestown, Virgina from James Horn, head of research at the “Colonial Williamsburg Foundation.” There were cannibals in Jamestown sometime between 1609 and 1610.
But not the kind of cannibals that we usually think of. You know, short, wearing loin cloths, bones stuck in their noses, and watching their caloric intake by only eating very skinny people.
Nope. These supposed cannibals were residents of Jamestown colony, the first permanent English settlement in the Americas. (there were no fast food restaurants back then so the only fast food available was anyone who couldn’t run fast)
This startling discovery was made when fragments of a skeleton of a girl, about 14, was found in a cellar full of debris in a Fort on the James River that was shelter for the starving colonists. This was during the period called, “the starving time.” Which was not, as many might assume, a weight loss program like Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers.
According to those people who like to dig deep holes in the ground and find really neat stuff, usually known as archaeologists, (my deepest apologies to Ct. State Archeologist Nicholas F. Bellantoni….sorry Nick….um, about this cannibal stuff) they uncovered the skeletal remains of what appears to be a 14-year-old girl whose bones show clear signs that she was cannibalized.
My guess would be the knives, forks and condiments found near the remains.
Researchers have named her “Jane” to give her an identity for a book explaining her story.
Most likely entitled, “HELP…..These Motherf*****s Are Gonna Eat Me!”
So, if you haven’t read this story, I’ll fill in the blanks as to why this may have happened. Other than the fact that, as I mentioned earlier, there were really not a lot of fast food restaurants in the area back then.
It seems that during this “starving time” there was not a lot of food to be had due to a drought which caused severe food shortages for the 6,000 people who lived at Jamestown between 1607 and 1625. So, what to do? Obviously start eating various things beginning with anything that moved. Like various animals, bugs and in some instances, their shoes.
Hey….shoes are very tasty if ya add some spices ya know. (remove the laces first)
Here’s the yucky part. Colony leader James Percy wrote, according to the AP, that a “world of miseries,” that included digging up corpses from their graves to eat when there was nothing else. “Nothing was spared to maintain life,” he wrote.
(there are more vivid descriptions in Percy’s records but I just ate breakfast and do not want to get into what else he wrote)
Ah screw it, I’ll tell ya anyhow, my breakfast is already ruined.
Percy wrote, “One amongst the rest did kill his wife, powdered her, and had eaten part of her before it was known, for which he was executed, as he well deserved. Now whether she was better roasted, boiled or barbecued, I know not, but of such a dish as powdered wife I never heard of.”
(NOTE) Do not buy any recipe books from Jamestown entitled, “How To Throw Together A Great Dinner In 30 Minutes or Less.”
(SECOND NOTE) If your wife is powdering herself afer a shower don’t get any ideas.
Researchers also found in a cellar at the same site that was filled with trash, the remains of horses bones and other animals consumed in the colonists desperation according to archeologists. The discovery detracts from the happier mythology Captain John Smith and Pocahontas that many associate with Jamestown.
“Soooo John, you said you wanted to take me out to dinner tonight?”
“Noooooo, I SAID I wanted to HAVE you for dinner tonight honey….heh heh.”
(THIRD NOTE) I have no damn idea what the hell, other than cannibalism, was going on in Jamestown, but, when I went to find a picture of Pocahontas they were all x-rated. Try this. Key in “Pocahontas cartoons.”
I read that entire article from the Associated Press and there’s a lot of other information contained within that story but it has a lot to do with exactly how researchers discovered that cannibalism was going on and I’m still getting a bit queasy here folks. I suggest if you have a strong stomach, look it up and read all of it yourselves.
Besides, not being into cannibalism myself, my other half has a gazillion pairs of shoes in her closet which I think could hold us for a few years should a major food shortage occur. That and the several bottles of A-1 sauce I have stored in my cupboard.
Chief archeologist William Kelso at Jamestown said that they found the girls bones in a trash dump, unceremoniously trashed and cannibalized, and now her story can be told. “People will be able to empathize with the time and history and think to themselves, as I do: What would I do to stay alive.”
Personally, if I had lived in Jamestown I would have done one very specific thing to stay alive. Run like hell.
Along with some other options. Such as, “Gimmie a freakin’ boat you bastards, I’m rowing back to England!”
And, avoiding that old sassy saying, “Eat Me,” that you used to use in high school when someone asked you to do something stupid. You DID NOT want to say that if you were in Jamestown back then.
“Saaaaay Captain John, ya wanna help me clean out the latrines?”
“WHAT! Are you freakin’ nuts. Eat me!”
“Um…ok…if you say so. Come on everybody…..foods on!”
The Smithsonian Institute and the Jamestown archeologists are publishing their findings, (along with a few receipes…my guess) in a new book but decided against waiting to announce the discovery through a peer-reviewed journal.
“In a lot of ways, I say Jane is us,” Kelso said. “She brings the past to the present.”
HEY! Speak for yourself Kelso. Ain’t no way Jane is us. And there ain’t no way I wanna bring the past to the present.
Which is why, after reading this story,. I’m doing one hell of a shopping trip to stock up on all kinds of food that will last me for years……jusssssst in case.
Oh yeah, and letting my other half buy as many shoes as she wants.
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