Today’s blog is about finding that special someone.
Yes folks, sometimes it’s really hard to find someone to love you. Of course there are many reasons it can be so hard. We’re all not lucky enough to be born beautiful, smart, intelligent or even talented. Some of us are just plain useless slugs with hardly any attributes that would make anyone of the opposite sex pay attention to us.
Like those days at the high school dances when all the good-looking guys and girls were matched up with one another while you sat in a corner somewhere ogling the hot babes you wish you had a shot at.
But, fear not my fine feathered friends. Ol Misfit to the rescue. That is if you’re still sitting in a corner somewhere or peering through someone’s window at night with a high-powered pair of binoculars ogling those hot babes that wouldn’t give you a second look in high school.
Might wanna take advantage of a great idea Dutch designer Noortje de Keijzer, (yah) has come up with before some cop patrolling the neighborhood catches you doing peeping Tom stuff and hauls your butt off to the slammer and then you get labeled as a serious sex offender.
Noortje has designed a life-sized knitted body pillow in the shape of a man. Yes, I know right now she’s only designing men body pillows, but at least it’s “someone” you can cuddle with. I’m sure once she discovers the need for life-sized women pillows you could always trade it in and perhaps get a rebate as well.
Right now Noortje’s, (geez, what the hell do they call this woman for short…Noor perhaps) Anyhow, Noors “My Knitted Boyfriend” life-sized pillows consists of two different oversized cushions, “Arthur and Steve.” And to help you personalize your man, the pillows come with a number of accessories.
(I’m almost afraid to find out what THOSE are)
So, lets find out anyhow.
The accessories include: knitted moustaches, glasses, watches, bow ties and tattoos.
Nothing earth shattering there. I thought perhaps the accessories were more in the line of what one would find on those giant inflatable dolls. You know, what I mean don’t you? LOOK….I’m NOT gonna spell it out for you. Just think lonely guys and lonely women with giant inflatable dolls and you’ll eventually grasp the picture.
Now along with your knitted doll there is an instruction book to show you what you can do with your knitted companion.
(sigh) Damn….do I HAVE to tell you what the hell they mean by what you can do with your knitted companion?
Nope…..not gonna do it. If you haven’t figured it out by now then go back to ogling women at night with your high-powered binoculars.
Noor, as we’ll call her for short, had her mother and grandmother hand-knit the body pillow. (sure, what the hell were THEY into)
She said that the time had come for a man in her life. So like, WHAT, make a damn knitted body pillow? Well…..yes. She said, “I could say that’s a joke, but it is partly true.”
Now here’s her explanation: “My knitted boyfriend is a cushion with a story. A cushion with a personality. A cushion to kiss. Or, well…to cuddle, to caress, to hug and to smile with.”
(this gets better folks)
“Because this man is always happy. And he is flexible as well. (I bet) He will have a moustache if you prefer moustaches. He will wear glasses if you prefer glasses. (all the better to see you with grandma) He likes to sit on your face..oops….that should read, he likes to sit on your floor, on your couch or at your dinner table. But most of all he likes to lay down next to you in bed. (yep….we’re gettin’ there) With your head on his chest and his arms wrapped around you. (told ya) This way you will never feel alone ever again. With this man you can be sure he will never leave you.”
Unless you have a lot of moths in your closet. My thinking anyhow.
Now, if you’re really seriously interested in Noor’s knitted boyfriend dolls because you really have a seriously boring life, you’re really homely looking, you hate real men, or you have a yarn addiction, here’s how to contact Noor and place your order.
Now here’s the best part. How Noor promotes her knitted doll. Of course, I was curious, so I went to her website and watched her video. Which I have posted below. My observations. She starts out all alone and pouting because she’s alone. (personally I think she’s kinda hot….so I’m not sure what her problem is with men)
(Hey Noor…..if ya get tired of screwing around with that silly doll….call me)
Anyhow, to the tune of “Come Rain Or Come Shine” by Frank Sinatra, she comes up with the brilliant idea to make herself a knitted companion after shedding a few fake tears, that she sweeps up with a broom. The idea hits her (lightbulb) and she begins knitting furiously. In the next scene, to the tune of “For Once In My Life” by Stevie Wonder, you see her doing all sorts of things, (including romping in bed) with her new friend. Who, by the way, just for effect, is a real person pretending to be her knitted doll.
At one point, she even puts her new boyfriend into a washing machine and sits by waiting for him to obviously smell better after the wash. I guess after romping in bed with him she felt it was only the right thing to do. You know how us real life men sweat after sex. No different for a knitted boyfriend I suppose. So here’s the video. Try not to get too excited or turned on watching it. Especially, considering the last part of the video has Noor and her friend waving goodbye with some sensual French music playing in the background.
So, there ya have it. The perfect solution for all you lonely women out there. Now…..yes….now, instead of sitting in front of the tube every night all alone and crocheting pot holders and stuff, you can crochet yourself a companion and really get into using those balls of yarn. Or….adapting your own knitted man with a pair of balls………….of yarn.
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