I’m losing it folks. I’ve officially become a certified member of the dinosaur generation. Pretty soon my bones, or someone else’s from my generation will be displayed in a museum somewhere with the plaque at the bottom of the display saying, “Extinct TV News and Internet Junkie.”
Now don’t misunderstand me. In order to write an inane blog as I do each and every day, (gawd knows why) I obviously have to follow all news from every source I can get my grubby hands on. TV networks, newspapers and the Internet foremost. So I kinda depend on these sources to keep me informed. Or, in many instances uninformed, yet entertained.
After all, isn’t news on TV, especially TV, meant to simply entertain us. Otherwise why would we watch it. Not to be informed. Who the hell cares about that crap. No…..we not only not want to get the latest happenings, but to be entertained as well. The ultimate reality show. NEWS.
Here’s an example, (from my own demented mind) as how I see TV news reporting today:
BREAKING NEWS FROM CMM: Reporter Roofe Critzer is on the scene of a unidentified person who has perched himself on the ledge of a building and seems to be threatening to not only jump but to take his dog, which he is apparently holding, along with him.
“Roofe, what’s the scene down there?”
“Well, just a few minutes ago, in an attempt to show just how serious he was, the unidentified person threw a loaded can of dog food off of the ledge and into the crowd below.”
“Roofe, what exactly was the flavor and brand of that can of dog food?
“Well, we don’t know for sure at this point, in fact, we’re not even sure if it was Alpo or Ken-L-Ration. However from my point of view as I saw the can falling, it appears that it might be Cesar brand. Authorities are not telling us anything more. We can’t even verify the flavor contained in that can, but we have stunning video of it as it was in mid-air. You can clearly see the image of a dog on the can’s label.”
“So what are the mans demands Roofe?’
“As far as we can determine by speaking to various neighbors who say that he’s really a nice guy and loves his dog, it may be due to a confrontation with a cat owner who lives in the same building. Apparently there was some sort of altercation involving a neighbor, cat litter box and the dog.”
“Do we know what type of cat litter that was Roofe?’
“Not yet, but we have other reporters on the scene. We interviewed other cat owners in the neighborhood as well as in his apartment building and some have told us that it might be either “Scoop Away,” or “Tidy Cat.” However we cannot determine if it is the scoopable or clumping type. Um, wait…..we have a report coming in from Anersssoonn Flooper who has one of the cat owners in the building…….Anersssoonn………….”
“Yes, thanks Roofe. I’m speaking to Mrs. Bertha Grodsnick and she has told me that the guy on the ledge is Harvey Dorkenstorff and that possibly he just went off the deep end over an incident involving her cat and his dog. Mrs. Grodsnick, can you tell us what happened to provoke this incident?”
“Sure Anersssoonn…um, can I have your autograph?’
“Sure later, but first tell us what happened.”
“Well, um, you know you’re quite handsome in person Anersssoonn…..”
“Mrs. Grodsnick…please….tell us what happened.”
“Oh, um…well…ok, um…..so I go out into my hallway to empty my cats litter box and…..”
“Can you tell us what brand litter that was?”
“Sure it was…um….Anersssoonn, if I show you my lack bra will you autograph.,,……”
Mrs. Grodsnick…PLEASE! The cat litter brand!”
“Oh yeah, it was “Tidy Cat.”
“Ok…great, now was it clumping or just the plain scoopable?”
“It was the clumping Anersssoonn….the only type I use.”
“Great, and then what happened?”
“Well, as I said, I was out in the hallway and wanted to empty my cat litter box into one of those plastic trash bags and…..”
“What kind of trash bag was is Mrs. Grodsnick?”
“Oh, it was Hefty. I like their “Hefty, Hefty, Hefty, commercials….”
“Great……and do those trash bags hold up to their toughness claims?”
“Oh yes. I’d recommend them to anyone.”
“So then what happened?”
“Well, out comes Mr. Dorkenstorff with that damn dog, trips over my litter box, falls onto the floor and his dog starts digging into the litter that’s all over the place…..a real horrible mess if ya ask me.”
“But what drove Mr. Dorkenstorff to go out to the ledge and threaten to jump off?”
“Threaten to jump off? Oh no, I don’t think he wants to jump Anersssoonn. That’s not it at all.”
“So why is he standing out there on the ledge with his dog then?”
“Because shortly before he tripped over my litter box he was on his way down to the lobby to take his dog out to poop, because as you know, dogs do not use litter boxes like neat little kittys do, and time was running out and his dog had to go really bad, so he bolted for the ledge and was holding his dogs butt over the edge hoping that he’d poop when someone called the police and said that there was a man on a ledge threatening to jump.”
“So why is he still out there?”
“Because the dog hasn’t pooped yet you damn idiot!”
“Thank you Mrs. Grodsnick. Roofe….back to you.”
“Thanks Anersssoonn. But while you were interviewing Mrs. Grodsnick we have conformation from the police department SWAT team that the dog did indeed poop. They have also identified the can thrown from the ledge as Cesar Senior dog food. Now back to our studio.”
Reality TV at its best. Where the hell is Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather and Huntley and Brinkley when ya need them?
Rolling in their graves I suspect.
With the exception of Dan Rather, who’s just rolling his eyes.
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