First of all, these Cicadas have nothing to do with recording artist Jon Secada. Absolutely no relationship to Jon other than they too can sing. But, not as good as Jon. And as far as I can determine, Cicadas have never had a hit record like Jon Secada. (video below)
The Cicadas I’m referring to are bugs. Kinda resembling gigantic flies. Almost like Vincent Price in “The Fly,” only not as scary and they do not talk. Except in Cicada lingo to each other.
Every once in a while these Cicadas, who live beneath the ground, get a desire to go out and have a good time for themselves after doing whatever it is they do when they’re living under ground. Sleep or watch Cicada TV programs I guess. Or playing Jon Secada music. Seems logical to me.
So, this is the year those orange-eyed relatives of leaf-hopping insects, jumping plant lice and spittle bugs, according to the website “Cicadamania” and the Washington Post, are once again staging an uprising. Somewhat like Kim Jung Un in Korea but not as threatening. Cicadas do not have nuclear weapons.
From North Carolina to Connecticut they will emerge from their underground homes with one mission. Which is, find a mate, make babies and then die. Which is somewhat like us humans do but it takes us a bit longer. The entire process I mean.
Uprisings occur every 13 years to 17 years and Cicadas that emerge the same year are called broods, (maybe they’re unhappy) which get marked by Roman numerals, like Super Bowls. (Cicadas have no interest in football however)
The Cicada uprising will be the largest population to arise, (excluding North Koreans) in the Washington metropolitan region since Brood X is thought by some entomologists, (people who study insects because they have no social life) to be the biggest of the Cicada swarms that follow a 17-year life cycle.
Missy Henriksen, spokeswoman for the “National Pest Management Association,” says, “It’s an event to remember.” (she also does not have a really great social life)
Maybe for her, but for the rest of us normal humans Cicada gatherings are among the most annoying things in nature. (next to mother-in-laws) But for Cicadas, they’re like going to a Carnival, being on college spring break and the “Day of the Dead” rolled into one event. Oh joy.
The coming frenzy of sex and death will last up to six weeks. OMG!!!
Those entomologists people say it will most likely start around May. Which makes complete sense to me. May, Mother’s Day and of course mother-in-laws. Cicadas are very family oriented.
So how can you tell when a swarm of Cicadas are doing their wild frenzy orgy thing? Well, the males sing by flexing their drum-like organs on their bellies to attract females. (I’ve seen that in a porno movie but it did not involve any Cicadas. Just the late Harry Reems and Linda Lovelace in the movie “Deep Throat” and…um…..neverrrrr mind)
A single male Cicada, (most are not married) sounds like a childs click toy. And when hundreds of thousands of these bugs click all at once, it creates a loud screech that travels in waves, day and night, which sound like crickets on steroids. That is if crickets were actually able to obtain any steroids and be on them.
Here’s what a bunch of sex crazed Cicadas sound and look like:
(Warning: This Cicada video contains graphic sex scenes)
Well, now that you’re totally freaked out over watching that video, try not to panic. As I said earlier, once a Cicada has sex, it dies. So, so much for wishing that you’ll come back in your next life as a sex crazed Cicada. Might wanna think about coming back as a rabbit or something. Ya have to think about that one.
Or, possibly just coming back as a reincarnated version of Jon Secada, having one big hit record, and then fading into oblivion. Like those Cicadas, except ya don’t die after having sex……or one hit record.
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