I Must Be Getting Old. These Sex Tips Just Don’t Cut It.

You know you’re getting old when you come across a web site that lists 20 things to enhance your sex life and out of the 2o suggestions the only one that makes any sense is “talk dirty,” which I do anyway, but usually when I’m yelling at some jerk who cut me off when I’m driving my truck or when my other half trips over a cat while bringing me my morning coffee.

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However, I’m not sure that’s what they meant by enhancing your sex life. Considering I’m not usually thinking about sex while yelling at a driver in another vehicle or tripping over a cat myself.

But, I did look at the entire list from the “iVillage” site entitled,

20 Things Every Man Wants in Bed — It’s More Than Just Dirty Talk

(I’ll briefly list all their suggestions for you In a few words. If that’s at all possible. And my suggestions. If….that’s at all possible)

1. Enthusiasm: In other words, women, be enthusiastic about sex. Like maybe playing some really great marching band music or something. My suggestion: John Phillips Sousa or “Hail to the Chief.”

2. New Tricks: Kinda like the ones you teach your dog. “OK dear….say woof, roll over and wait for the bigggggg surprise.” Or, learn some neat magic tricks like Mandrake the Magician.”

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Like the mystery of why women always have a headache when ya want sex

3. Praise: Refer back to suggestion #2. But DO NOT reward her with a dog treat.

4. Bossiness: The site suggests the woman should kinda be bossy because men like this during sex. Like perhaps, “Hey, ya wanna jump my bones…do ya punk? Then take out the garbage and feed the cat first.” Works for me.

5. Confidence: I didn’t quite understand this one. Just how much confidence do men need when being in the same room with a naked woman? Unless they mean if you’ve been married for over 50 years and you need some confidence that you’re not going to have a heart attack attempting sex. “Its ok dear, I have some nitro tablets in the nightstand drawer.”

6. Sex On The Brain: Yes, men want women to have sex on the brain. Unfortunately researchers are still attempting to find that one woman with sex on the brain.

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Obviously this is not the one woman researchers are looking for.

7. Flair For Fantasy: Men want women to be able to come up with fantasy scenarios to enhance their sexual desires. Like wearing a Miss Piggy mask or perhaps pretending to be Sleeping Beauty. (NOTE) Most married women use that last one regularly when husbands want sex. Zzzzzz.

8. Initiative: This means men want women to initiate sex. Which falls into the “snowball’s chance in hell category.”

9. Dirty Talk: Men want women to talk dirty to them during sex. Good point. And I personally agree. Unfortunately most women’s idea of dirty talk is worrying that they might miss the “add softener” cycle to the washing machine because they’re having sex.

“Son-of-a-bitch I missed the damn freakin’ softener cycle!”

10. Hero Worship: Yep, men want you to treat them as a hero for jumping your bones. Which is quite understandable considering many women still wear hair curlers to bed and face packs. ANY guy has to be a hero to get it on then.

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What every guy imagines

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What we really get…

11. Accepting All Of Him: This suggestion from ” iVillage” is about oral sex. (please consult their website for this suggestion as little children and animals may be reading this blog) But, it does give me an opportunity to sneak in this cartoon.

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Shoot me NOW……..

12. A Massage: Men want to be stroked and rubbed and all that stuff prior to sex. While women do this activity, they also hope that while all that stroking and massaging is going on he’ll fall asleep.

13. Self Love: This falls into the, “Hey, if I self-love myself why in the hell do I need YOU?”

14. Lace. Yes. Men want women to wear lace to bed for that exciting turn on. Why lace? Beats Me. Naked works just fine for me.

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“Um….can ya stitch “Eat Me” on my Fruit of the Looms ladies”

15. Necessary Roughness. Their suggestion says that sometimes being rough turns men on. You know, we men like our butts kicked around a bit before sex. So women, keep a two by four or a sledge-hammer handy just in case your man loves necessary roughness. Also have 911 set on your speed dial.

16. Spontaneity: We men love it when all of a sudden you decide to initiate having sex when we least expect it. Like those times when you have to run to the bathroom and least expect your partner to initiate sex. Realllll surprise. Or you’re under your car changing the oil. Or cleaning out the cat litter box. All really great times to surprise your partner. And, in that last one, the cat too.

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The purrfect time for spontaneous sex

17. Sex Drive: Men want women to have as much sex drive as they do. And I myself want to hit the lottery. So like, what are the odds of THAT ever happening?

18. A Home-body: Again, I wasn’t quite sure what they meant by listing this one. I think they meant men want a woman to be comfortable with staying at home all the time and that might turn men on. Which may drive any woman nuts. Which, to me, would be a deterrent to getting any sex. Keep a woman at home all the time and she thereby misses out on all those store sales, and trust me, you’re NOT gonna get any sex podner.

19. Moves Like Jagger: They’re referring to having women move like Mick Jagger. Considering Mick Jagger is in his 60’s just how fast do ya think your woman is gonna move if you’re Mick’s age. “Jumpin’ Jack Flash, Hey Give Me A Sec To  Move My Ass….” Or….”I’m Still Tryin’ To Get Some Satisfaction.” (subtitled: “Hold On, I’m Comin, But I Need Some Oxygen.” Apologies to Sam & Dave)

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Can ya throw in some Viagra too…….extra strength?

FINALLY…….

20. Orgasmic Potential: In other words….let your man know when it’s time. No, not by checking your Timex, but by screaming and yelling stuff like, “OH Gawd,” or “Yes, Yes,” or “The hills are alive with the sound of music.” Stuff like that. Really turns us men on plus we can conjure up thoughts of Julie Andrews.

So that’s it folks. But, if you want the real suggestions, go to  “iVillage” and find the article. Don’t trust all the suggestions I gave ya. Those were just my suggestions.

I mean, what the hell do I know about women and sex  for cripes sake.

I’m still working on why my other half needs 25 pairs of shoes and 45 pocketbooks.

Unless it has something to do with wearing shoes and a pocketbook while having sex and I just missed that suggestion.

“HEY honeeeeee…………..”

AND…..for the rest of you gigolos…………

http://youtu.be/PeXjBWN8LO8

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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7 Responses to I Must Be Getting Old. These Sex Tips Just Don’t Cut It.

  1. Hmm… funny how they think that WOMEN need to work harder in the bedroom. <.<

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