Why Is The Govt. Spending $880,000 Watching Snails Have Sex?

I’m assuming that the government is spending that $880,000 to study why snails are having sex because no snail is gonna bring charges against them if they get caught watching snails have sex.

Unless snails are smart enough to press charges.

First of all, lest I remind you of what happened the last time scientists screwed around with an animal: (below)


Just sayin’……..

So, it’s a pretty safe bet that if you’re a government employee into snail sex, and you’re out in the dead of night watching two snails go at it, and a cop comes along and asks you what you’re doing, and you reply, “Watching snails have sex.” You’re off the hook. As far as being arrested is concerned.

Why is this? I’ll tell ya. Only because I know a lot of my blog readers are really into snail sex. Mostly very old senior citizens.

The “National Science Foundation” has awarded a grant for $876,752 to the “University of Iowa, (must be lots of snails in Iowa) to conduct a study as to whether there is any benefit to  New Zealand mud snails having sex and whether that explains why any organism has sex.

WELL! This obviously gets Iowa off the ol sex snail bandwagon. But New Zealanders, I’m really beginning to worry about you folks. Are you like overrun with sexually active snails or something? Are you folks complacent and passionless about what’s going on right under your eyes with sex and snails?


OK….that explains it.

What these mad scientists are trying to figure out, and this is really important, is if snails are better off reproducing sexually or asexually.

For those of you not into snail sex, “asexually” means that a snail has the option of reproducing by itself or by getting married to another snail and then reproducing. The same thing the U.S. Supreme Court is deciding here in the United States. Except it does not involve snails. I think.


The female snail is on the left and the male snail on the right….um…WAIT! I think the male is on the left and the female is on the right. WAIT! Um, I think they’re both females. But I could be wrong.

According to scientists, “This project will use a different organism, Potamopygus antipodarum, (which is your typical New Zealand snail) which has both sexual and independently derived asexual lineages that make it ideally suited to address fundamental evolutionary questions of how genes and genomes evolve in the absence of sexual reproduction.”



Why it’s so hard for normal people to understand scientist gobblydgook

Look, I’m not a freakin’ rocket scientist here folks, so I have no damn clue what that last quote meant. Like, “asexual lineages.”  WHAT!  It can have sex with itself? Beats me. Go look it up for cripes sake. Or call some scientist.

From what I can determine, this study is to find out “why sexual reproduction and males exist, arguing that sex is biologically inefficient for females.” (we men already knew that….especially those of us who are married)

Furthermore, “an asexual organism can simply clone itself faster than it can reproduce if it finds a mate.”  Meaning basically as far as I can determine, that these snail scientists are trying to figure out if snails, male and females, really don’t need each other to create other snails.

Here we go with the cloning stuff again.


The good part of cloning…..you only clone the useful parts.

And of course, the bad part of cloning in the wrong hands.


Shoot me now….

This is very distressing news as far as I’m concerned. Like why is the government spending all that money to find out if snails need each other?  What’s the point?

Unless, the government has some secret diabolical plan to eventually eliminate sex altogether here in the United States. Which would thereby eliminate all the fuss about same-sex marriages and stuff.

YES! That’s it…..it’s a plan to make us all asexual!

Which is really nothing new considering many single men, and women, are able to circumvent the sexual process by simply lending a “hand” to that process…..literally. Except, of course, when it comes to reproduction. Unless those scientists come up with a solution to that. Like a reproduction pill that one takes when one has a “hand” in things.

Hey! Don’t laugh. Did ya ever think you’d see a pill for reptile dysfunction. Oops, I meant erectile dysfunction. Sorry. Then again, they’re studying snails and sex, so who knows what the hell is going on in those labs.

The report goes on to say, “The commonness of sex, (snail sex) is surprising because asexual females should be able to produce twice as many daughters as sexual females that make both male and female offspring.”

And we need to know this why? And we are spending $880,000 to know this why?



At last! At last! A cure for stupidity. A two by four.

$880,000 to watch a bunch of snails have sex. Cripes, give me $200 bucks and you can watch ME have sex. Without or without my other half. Your choice.

I make this offer to those scientists simply because I could use the $200 bucks and I also have the same attributes as a snail when it comes to sex.

I move slowly, take my time, and on occasion give myself a hand.


Maybe that’s worth an extra $200 bucks considering you scientists do not have to go all the way to New Zealand to do your study.

Call me…..


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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to Why Is The Govt. Spending $880,000 Watching Snails Have Sex?

  1. swedenole13 says:

    Too funny! I heard someone once got a grant to study how flies land upside down on the ceiling! You have to wonder what kind of life these people lead!!! Keep up the funny blog, I love it!

  2. I just stumbled upon your blog. So happy I did! Love it. Thanks for the laugh 🙂

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