As far as I’m concerned the words “secret” and “woman” should not be used in the same sentence. Especially if you’re saying something to a woman like, “Can ya keep a secret?” The only secret a woman can keep is “Victoria’s Secret.” And even that’s debatable.
Show me a woman who can keep a secret for more than 10 seconds without picking up the phone and telling another woman that secret and I’ll show you a woman who’s most likely in prison in a solitary confinement unit unable to talk to anyone.
So, that said, it kinda worries me that the new person chosen to head the Secret Service is…(gasp) a woman! Yes…a WOMAN!!!
She’s Julia Pierson, formerly Chief of Staff to the director at the SS.
Now usually when you mention someone in a story you normally list their age. But, in Julia’s case, it’s, “Shhhhhhhhhh…..A SECRET!” Guess she’s taken over already and deleted any reference to her age anywhere. Think I’m kidding. Go to “Wikipedia” and look her up.
SEE. Her age is already a secret. Damn!
I suspect that her appointment comes on the heels of that SS scandal a while ago when 13 agents were caught with their big guns exposed with hookers in Colombia while the President was visiting that country. Hanky panky spanky.
“Soreeeee….no habla hankee pankee spanky senior.”
Ms. Pierson replaces outgoing director Mark Sullivan, (no relation to Ed Sullivan) who took a lot of heat for what happened in Columbia. And HE wasn’t even there. I think. Which really sucks, considering if you’re gonna get flack over a bunch of your SS agents doing stuff with hookers and you get the heat for that, is not even getting in on the action. Boy would I be pissed off.
“Oh sure, all you guys go to Columbia and have a helluva time with a bunch of hookers and “I” get screwed.”
“Hey, what ya complanin’ about chief….at least you got screwed…heh, heh, heh.”
Ms. Pierson already has made a change. Effective immediately a new code of conduct for agents goes into effect. Condoms for everybody. Um….wait…..no, I got that wrong. Sorry. That was the old code of conduct.
The new code of conduct bans SS employees from drinking within 10 hours of starting a shift. I’m not sure if this applies if they have a drink while on a plane to somewhere and they’re close to the 10 hour curfew and then cross the International Date Line, lose a few hours, which would then allow them to continue drinking. Thin line there.
Also, the new code forbids bringing foreign nationals back to their hotel rooms. No mention if non foreign nationals or the Washington Nationals baseball team are OK. Thin line there again.
So, now a woman is going to make the rules after how many men have served as head of the Secret Service?
Thought you’d never ask. There have been 22 directors since Abe Lincoln appointed the first one in 1865.
But, now that history is being made with the first woman director, I’m sticking to my theory. Which is….”WHAT….A WOMAN KEEP A SECRET!”
Look, if I tell my other half a secret, 10 milliseconds later she’s on the phone with her best friend spilling her guts out. It’s a woman thing. It’s in their genes. Show me ANY woman who can keep a secret longer than 10 minutes and I’ll show you a guy that’s had a sex change and doesn’t have all of a woman’s genes. (my sincere apologies to any guy who’s had a sex change….but, that said, I’d trust ya to keep a secret)
So what are the odds the new woman director of the Secret Service can keep a secret? I guess we’ll find out.
“Hello, Martha. This is Julia. Yeah, I’m at my new desk here at the Secret Service and guess what…you just won’t believe THIS!”
“OOOOOOOOOOH…..a juicy tidbit I bet…..what is it?”
“Well, you know that big secret about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky?”
“Julia, that was no big secret. Everybody knows what happened in that White House closet.”
“Yes, yes, I know. But you know that dress they found with the stain on it.”
“Yeah, I know. The one that proved that Bill actually did not have sex with Monica but that Monica had sex with Bill by giving him a bl…….”
“STOP! You don’t have to get graphic here. But the secret is….get this Martha, that dress didn’t belong to Monica.”
“OMG!!! Who’s dress was it then?”
“It was Hillary’s.”
“Julia! Are you tellin’ me Hillary let Monica take the blame?”
“No…..that’s not how it went according to the secret stuff I’m looking at here. It seems that Monica was Hillary’s intern and not Bills and when Hillary noticed the stain on her dress she gave it to Monica to take to the dry cleaners and Monica figured, “What the hell, I’ll say it was mine and become a big celebrity for giving the President a bl….”
“Ok Ok…I get it Julia. Wow, that’s some secret.”
“Yeah, now wait till I tell ya about who Lee Harvey Oswald really was .”
Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn ya folks. Just ask any guy who’s told his wife a secret and it’s all over town the next day.
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