The Great Coupon Caper: “To Clip or Not To Clip.”

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“Hmmm. 55 cents off angel wing conditioner.”

Ya know, I really and truly did not want to write a blog about clipping coupons. I said to myself, “Mousefeeet, why would you want to write a boring blog about clipping coupons in the first place because there’s absolutely no humor in that at all?”

Myself then responded, “Because it’s the right thing to do considering gazillions of people clip coupons and they’d read today’s blog just to see what the hell you’re bitching about.”

Which is kinda true. Except I’m not the one bitching. It’s the coupon industry that’s doing the bitching. Apparently we’re just not clipping enough coupons and the industry is taking notice. Like being in a somewhat state of panic because coupon clipping has taken a 17.1 percent drop.

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How to clip coupons and save on toilet paper at the same time

“WHY! Ohhhhhh why aren’t those shoppers clipping coupons as much as they clipped before when we gave them all sorts of coupons to clip and they were clipping fools….ohhhhh why…sob.”

Um, well Einsteins, perhaps it’s the quality of those coupons that have some of us thinking that you’re trying to “clip” us off by offering stupid coupons. My guess anyhow.

Also, in an article by the “The News Observer,”  the guess of Kim Maney, 38, of Apex, North Carolina who shops at multiple supermarkets and drugstores, follows coupon blogs and takes advantage of double and triple coupon offers, who said that she has noticed a drop in the quality of paper coupons.

She says, “A quarter off toilet paper? Really? What am I going to do with that?”

Yep…..a total “wipe out.”

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Good idea…..and you saved 25 cents when you bought two loafs with a coupon.

YEAH! You tell em Kim. Although I would have said it more graphically. Like, “Hey you cheap motherf*****s. You want me to buy your damn product and all you’re giving me is a f***ing quarter off! Whaddya nucking futs!”

Sometimes when you use a lot of colorful words people tend to pay more attention to you. Along with some store security guard who will most likely haul your butt out to the parking lot. BUT….at least you  made your point.

John Morgan, executive director of the “Association of Coupon Professionals,” said that, “there’s a lot of discussion within the industry.” My guess would be these discussions would go something like, “Hey, what the hell do these cheap bastards want for nothin.’

Of course our response would be: “Give us some freakin’ coupons worth redeeming that will save us a few bucks you damn idiots.”duh2

Charlie Brown…..um….Really!…Charlie Brown….(snicker) Ok…back on track here, this guy Charlie Brown, (snicker) who is vice president of marketing at NCH, a coupon clearing house located in Deerfield,, Illinois, (lots of deers there) attributes the decline in consumer use of coupons to people cutting out less coupons.  No…..that was my guess. He attributes the decline to a calculated move by manufacturers to correct an “unusually high” redemption rate in 2011.

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Actual photo of  NCH VP Charlie Brown seeking advice on how to rectify the coupon redemption problem

Sooooooo, let me see if I understand this correctly.  Coupon redemption was down in 2012, (17.1 percent drop)  but up in 2011, (6% increase) so now they’re worried because of that down dip, (2012) and they are saying to themselves WTF! but only after manufacturers put the brakes on coupons because too many people were redeeming coupons in 2011. HUH?

Hmmmm. Why was that?  Let’s see. Oh, here it is. In 2012 manufacturers put the brakes on coupons. The coupons became skimpier, (no more coupons on expensive parchment paper) the expiration dates shorter, (you have 30 seconds from the time you clip this coupon to redeem it) and oftentimes the coupons required that shoppers buy two or even (gasp) three of an item, (even if ya didn’t need it) before getting a whopping 55 cents off. (bless their little greedy coupon manufacturer hearts)

John Morgan, executive director of the “Association of Coupon Professionals,” (kinda like Mafia professionals except they carry scissors instead of guns) said that, “For the manufacturer, the redemption of the coupon is an expense, so they purposely make the coupon offer less attractive. (no pictures of scantily clad men or women on the coupon) They don’t want 100% of the coupons redeemed.”

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“Soooo, I got dis here Friskies coupon….ya interested?”

Now I’m totally confused. They don’t want 100% of their coupons redeemed?  Guess what you freakin’ jerks…….it’s working!  I for one am not going to redeem a coupon for 55 cents on a box of oatmeal if I’m required to buy three boxes. (only because I hate oatmeal) If it were Frosted Flakes or Lucky Charms I MIGHT consider it. Then again, I’m a “Sugar Crisp” cereal type of guy. Don’t see many of those coupons floating around. Bastards know I’ll use all of those coupons and actually rip off other coupon inserts from old ladies mailboxes.

Besides, I think their plan to discourage consumers from redeeming 100% of their coupons is working. Because now they’re printing coupons for stuff nobody in their right mind, including me and that Charlie Brown guy are ever gonna want to redeem.

Like, “75 cents off 2 boxes of hair color for men.” HEY! I don’t have any freakin’ hair….guess what….your plan’s working…I’m not redeeming that coupon. Um….even if I did have hair, why the hell would I need 2 boxes for cripes sake.

Or,

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Soooo, if I spend $10 I get a whopping $1.99 off on water. WATER!!!  WATER!!! I get water out of my kitchen sink and, get this manufacturers, its….FREE!

Or, buy 4 packages of “Blistex” and save 25 cents. WHAT! Do ya think I get THAT many cold sores walkin’ around kissing complete strangers!

So the plan of these manufacturers to have all of us redeem less coupons seems to be working. To me, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you want consumers to redeem less coupons, um, don’t print any coupons you idiots.

Or….stick with the plan you currently have. Which is to look like you’re offering some really great coupons but for stuff that nobody in their right mind is gonna redeem. That way it looks like you’re tryin’ to save us a buck….but in reality….you’re trying to save yourselves a buck.

Hmmm. Now what coupon would I really like to see?

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$25.00 off one hooker if you use two hookers the same night…..within two minutes of your first climax.

“Quick…..shove two Viagra pills down my throat!!!”

So the great coupon standoff goes on. To redeem or not to redeem. THAT is the question.

The answer being…….we’re not gonna clip if you’re tryin’ to clip us off ya dam idiots.

Um…..has anybody out there got a $5.00 off coupon for Viagra?

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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