So let’s start out this Monday with a subject that always gives me the willies. Spiders. You’d think that most people wouldn’t be afraid of spiders considering we tower over those little suckers and can squish them with one fell swoop of the ol foot. Not so.
I guess it’s the fact that a spider can sneak up on you and bite the livin’ hell outta you before you even know it’s there. Kinda like snakes. They’re all just too damn quiet for my liking. Make some damn nose for cripes sake. Let us know you wanna fight and we’ll take you on you little bastards.
But, all in all, I usually do not panic when I see a spider. Because most of them around here are the size of a dime or less. Except for that one spider that’s outside of my patio in the summer and devours birds and squirrels. Um, well no, he isn’t THAT big but I swear he could actually do that if he set his mind to it. Right now he seems to be contented with various moths and other flying insects.
Now my other half completely freaks out over spiders. Come to think of it, she freaks out over ANYTHING that crawls on more than two legs, has antennae, big beady eyes and very sharp teeth. Also, considering that she never sticks around long enough to inspect such bugs, I have no freakin’ idea how she knows what they look like.
So, all this said, which I just did, I can unequivocally state that I am not completely terrified of spiders…..as long as they’re outside and the size of a dime….or less. BUT…..those stinkin’ biologists have found it necessary to inform us that there exists a spider big enough to eat a bat. Yes! A bat!!!
I’m not talkin’ about baseball bats either.
Geez….just how big is this spider anyhow? AND….do I really wanna know?
Well, just to freak you out, as I was, I’m passing it on to you, as I just said, to freak all of you out, which is basically my job when I find something to freak everybody out. Here’s the info on this bat eating spider.
In a study entitled, “Bat Predation by Spiders,” (meaning the spider is gonna eat you) by biologist Martin Nyffeler, (is it me or do all scientists and biologists have weird names) of the University of Basel in Switzerland, (of course) and another guy, who’s an ecologist, Mirjam Knornschild, (yah) of the University of Ulm in Germany, bat eating spiders are more widespread than previously assumed.
Oh great….thanks for that info guys.
The bad news is that they confirmed 52 cases of spiders eating bats, (usually in bat restaurants) with reports coming from every continent.
The good news is that the only continent that did not have bat eating spiders was Antarctica. Most likely because any self-respecting bat eating spider realizes it’s too damn cold in Antarctica. My guess anyhow.
The most prevalent bat-killer spiders are orb-weaving spiders called, “Nephalis,” found in the southeast United States through to Argentina and Peru. They dwell in forests and their leg span is 4 to 6 inches and weigh about 0.25 ounces. Same size as Heidi Klum’s legs but much furrier.
(NOTE) The article also mentioned, in verrrrry small print that one spider was caught fishing in Indiana. Oh wait! Read it wrong. It says, “A fishing spider in Indiana was seen trying to kill a bat pup but the attempt failed because the observers disrupted the kill.”
I assume they arrested the bat for assault and BATt-ery on a bat and he is now serving hard time.
If it’s any consolation, the bats caught by these damn spiders may have died from exhaustion, starvation, dehydration and/or hyperthermia. Which are exactly the same symptoms I’d have if attacked by a bat eating spider.
WAIT! It gets better….or worse.
There were other instances where spiders were seen actively killing and eating the captured bats. Obviously by someone watching a spider eat things who lived to tell us about it after suffering from a severe case of nausea.
WAIT! More to freak you all out.
The “EpochTimes,” who first reported this story, (thanks guys) goes on to report that these spiders have also been known to kill fish, birds, mice and other vertebrates.
Hmmmm. Does this mean we as humans are somewhat safe from these bat eating spiders?
[vur-tuh-brit, -breyt] Show IPA
Um….maybeeeeee not. Damn!
So, in conclusion, it seems to me that we have a problem here Houston. Right now this bat eating spider seems to be content eating whatever it can get its claws on.
Let me see if I understand this correctly. It will eat bats, birds, mice, it knows how to fish, and will eat other vertebrates. And, I do believe we, as vertebrates, because we DO have backbones and a spinal columns, could very well be on the menu list. OMFG!!!!
Look, go ahead and laugh at my theory. But if this freakin’ bat eating spider can go fishing and eat birds and mice, who do ya think is next Einstein!!!! US!!!!
(NOTE) Never book a trip to the Southeast United States, Indiana, Argentina or Peru.
Is this the part where I break out in a rendition of, “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina?” Obviously written by someone who lost a loved one to a bat eating spider in Argintina.
Ok, I’ve done my civic duty today by informing all of you about this Frankenspider. I for one am not going to freak out over this. On the other hand, after editing today’s blog for me, my other half is totally freaked out.
Only because I dragged out a rubber spider I had in my desk drawer and dangled it in front of her as she was editing.
That said, I’ll be fine tomorrow after keeping this cold ice pack on my crotch.
I’m tellin’ ya…..some women just do not have a really good sense of humor.
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