Nothing Like A “What People Earn” Article In Parade Magazine To Make You Feel Worthless

Every year “Parade Magazine” feels that it’s necessary to print a list of what people across the U.S. earn. Which is great if you ever gave a rats ass about who’s making more money than you. And, you wanna feel like your life is a total waste of time and you’re just sitting around slaving at your job taking up space.

$20,000 a year.

It’s bad enough most of us have to slave 8 to 12 hours a day to make a stinkin’ buck. But to see what other people make in comparison to our paltry paychecks is kind of insulting.

(I exclude myself from bitching about what other people make because I am no longer in the workforce because I’m too freakin’ old to be of use to anyone other than funeral homes who want a model to show off just how great you could look in their caskets) Which is why I write this blog at home. For nothing.

$0 a year

But what’s wrong with this picture. First, those people who are making more money than God….if God were working that is:

Serena Williams, tennis player, $19 million. Justin (brat) Bieber, $55 million. Sofia Vergara, (actress) $21 million. Gabrielle Douglas, gymnast,$10.25 million. Brad in the Pitt, actor, $35.5 million. Lebron James, basketball star, $57.5 million. Anne Hathaway, actress, $10 million. Guy Fieri, a-e-i-o-u, celebrity chef, $8 million. Mark Harmon, actor, $38 million, and for good measure, Honey “give me a freakin’ break” Boo Boo, so-called reality TV star, $50,000.

Now that I’ve made you feel totally worthless in your totally useless life doing that 9 to 5 or whatever job which requires no skill whatsoever, (yeah right) unlike the people I listed above, who, rather than have skills, have “talent” which obviously the rest of us slugs do not have, here’s what Parade Magazine highlighted that some of the rest of us make.

Pay attention to some of the yearly incomes for people who are NOT as talented as Honey damn Boo Boo.

Oh yeah. And tell me if ya see the word “million” as in “dollars” in here anywhere.

$35 million a year

The people with absolutely no talent or obvious skills are: Jared Kay, designer, $50,000, which is the same as Honey Boo Boo makes cept, as I said, he has no talent, only a brain. Nora Parkman, day care provider, $43,000 because someone has to take care of those kids whose parents are making $100 gazillion dollars because they can’t. Brian Wilson, actor, $33,000. Guess he’s a very bad actor in comparison to Brad Pitt who’s making $35.5 million. Barbara Bradhurst, tax return preparer, $5,300. Probably because nobody trusts her to do their taxes. (only kidding Barb.)

Meredith Kaunitz, educational theater specialist, which requires no skills whatsoever, $17,000. Seth Simas, substitute teacher, $11,260. Hey! How hard can it be to teach anyhow? No skill required there.

Paula Milo-Moultrie, pastor, $31,500. Not much call for pastor’s preaching how bad sin is when everybody knows sin is fun. Besides, you know the old saying Paula, “only the good die young.” Yet another reason to go with the sin route.

Lynn Kata, Zumba instructor, $24,000. Her only student was former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. I think she’s since switched to teaching people how to bunga bunga.

$5,280 a year amigo

And finally, Martin Rogan, asset protection officer, $34,000. Because most people do not need their assets protected because our assets are not worth protecting because most of us can’t afford any assets worth protecting because we don’t have the skills or talent to be making gazillions of dollars to have any assets that anybody in their right mind would want.

Unless, in my case, you consider my 1999 Dodge Ram truck with over 200 thousand miles on it a freakin’ asset. More like a liability with all of the mechanical work I’ve had done on it. Which puts my mechanic, John Crankshaft into the $85,000 category thanks to me.

9 out of 12 months a year where my Dodge Ram “asset” is parked

So, in conclusion, now that I’ve made your day, as you can see it doesn’t take a lot of skill to make millions of dollars. Just talent. Excluding Honey (piss-ant) Boo Boo.

So my advice to any young person who is thinking of attending college to further their education so that they can, upon graduation, make a whopping $27 to $30 thousand dollars a year is this………………..

Screw the education. Find out what talent it is that you have, such as playing a tune with your armpits, hoarding stuff like various sized gourds, being able to sing the national anthem through your nose, being able to be the drummer in a band but using your farts instead of drums, (much demand for that one) or some other unusual talent that will skyrocket you to stardom and get you well on your way to making a million dollars or more.

If you think I’m nuts in suggesting this………just say these four magic words as a source for your inspiration…….

“HONEY FREAKIN’ BOO BOO.”

Along with the thought of what she makes a year……..$50,000.

You can thank me and Parade Magazine when you make their “What People Earn” list next year.

$14,000….Social Security

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