How To Save A Buck. Subtitled: Look Ma, I’m A Kleptomaniac.

****

“It’s all my mother’s fault. She made me steal them for her rock garden.”

I’m all for saving a few bucks to make ends meet. But I don’t go off the radical deep end doing it. Yeah sure, I swipe a few extra “Splendas” here and there, maybe even some extra napkins. But only because I tend to spill coffee all over me when I’m driving because I have a stick shift in my truck. BUT….recycling tea bags and limiting myself to six squares of toilet paper is where I draw the line. Nope….I use the napkins instead.

Only kidding folks. I don’t use the napkins in the bathroom. They don’t match my bathrooms decor. AND….they don’t fit on the toilet paper roll dispenser. Otherwise I might consider it.

But in England, there is a woman who has taken recycling to the extreme. It’s a wonder her husband and kids haven’t recycled her to a dumpster somewhere.

**

How sweet…..

37 year-old Keeley Newstead, which is kinda ironic considering her last name contains the word “new” and she’s into recycling big time, is taking her quest to save money over the top a bit.

So what are some of the cost-saving measures Keeley takes to save a buck. She uses a single sandwich bag for packing her kids lunches for a week. Which leads me to believe that if her kids have a tuna sandwich on Monday, the rest of the week their lunches smell like tuna even though it may be a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And a number of stray cats follow them to school each day.

Charlie Tuna reacts upon discovering he's being put in the same old sandwich bags day after day.

Charlie Tuna reacts upon discovering deceased relatives have been put in the same old sandwich bags day after day.

She never lights up her fireplace due to the high cost of electricity and gas. Instead, she prefers to huddle on the sofa with her two kids while they all wear extra clothing and gloves while watching TV. Which also leads me to believe that if a crime were ever committed in their home CSI investigators would never find any fingerprints. Which also leads me to believe, with everyone wearing gloves, including her husband, sex between the two must be very boring. Or, quite sensual if you’re into leather. Or, quite difficult if they’re wearing mittens.

Guess we know what option she chose

Guess we know what option she chose

Yes, Keeley also grabs those catsup packets and other sachets from fast food restaurants to save on buying the entire bottles of that stuff in the store. Fast food restaurants better start keeping an eye on that stuff.

WAIT!  No….not THAT stuff, start keeping an eye on the toilet paper in your restrooms. YES!  If Keeley sees a spare roll lying around, zippo, it’s in her purse and gone. She says that she’s always on the lookout for spare toilet paper rolls.

Which may explain why people where she lives are always grabbing napkins before they go into those restrooms. That is before she grabs all of the napkins too. Otherwise its off to the restroom with a bunch of hamburger wrappers and catsup or vinegar packets to wash up with afterwards. Because she probably pockets the soap too.

MOSES!  MOSES! you didn't forget.....that lady ripped you off.

MOSES! MOSES! you didn’t forget…..that lady ripped you off.

I like the quote that she made to “The Daily Star” which reported this story.

“The kids love it. It is like a game.”

Yeah, right lady. Till they figure out there’s not much money in ripping off toilet paper and catsup packets and figure, what the hell, might as well knock off a bank.

“Hey, the money was just lying around in the tellers drawer so, as my mom taught me, waste not, want not, so I took it. What’s the big deal. You guys got more in your vault.”

***

Yeah….because they were FREE plastic grocery bags

Her tips for being thrifty and making ends meet.

“Always look out for spare toilet paper rolls in public toilets. There’s always one on top of the tank, so put it in your bag.”

If you’re a guy without a bag, I guess you have to stick it in your pants and give the appearance that you’re well hung as you leave the restroom with a big bulge in your pants.

She goes on to say that, “Ration toilet paper at home. Six sheets are enough per visit.”

SIX SHEETS!  What the hell size toilet paper are they using over there in England? Hmmmm……maybe Queen size considering it IS England.  You know, respect to the Queen and all. Cripes, if I only were allowed to use six sheets per visit, my other half better start spraying the house with Febreze, if you get my point.

**

One square allowed

She also says that they haven’t bought a pen or pencil in years. Geez, I wonder why? Because they rip off pens and pencils wherever they go. That would be my guess.

(NOTE) Never invite this family to your home unless you nail everything down.

Here’s the topper folks. She says, “When my kids are opening birthday or Christmas presents I never let them rip open the wrapping paper. I make them take it off carefully so I can use it again. Cripes, it’s a wonder she hasn’t figured out how to reuse all that toilet paper she rips off too. Ooops….if she’s reading this I may have given her an idea. Damn!

(SECOND NOTE) If you visit this woman’s house, bring your own toilet paper roll.

Comes in decorative brown patterns

Comes in decorative brown patterns

Other things that she does to save money. She uses the Internet to complain to companies so that they will either send her coupons or free samples. Obviously to shut her the F**K up.

“I get complimentary drinks in a restaurant after complaining about the food. Then when I get home I write to the head office of the restaurant and get vouchers. I also got cash back from a bicycle retailer when I complained that the wheels were wobbly. I was then happy because I then took the bike back and got a refund.”

Which raises the all important question. WTF did ya buy the bike in the first place for.

“Oh, simple answer to that question Mr. Misfit. So I could take it home, then ride it to a store to save on gas and rip off a few things, then go back home, stomp on the wheels to make em wobbly, and then take it back to the store for a refund.”

I personally would have to kill this woman if I lived with her.

****

Shortly after calling her a recycling freak

I did an Internet search looking for anyone by the name of Keeley Newstead in England in the obituary section or recent murders in that area by despondent husbands but found no listings for her…… yet.

But, that said, I think it’s just a matter of time before her husband and two kids get tired of drinking diluted tea and using only six squares of toilet paper before they do her in.

AND…..no jury is gonna convict them either.

Justifiable homicide.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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