You may have missed this late breaking story if you were in the garage doing maintenance on your scooter from “The Scooter Store.” As many seniors with scooters do on the weekends. Especially the week before Social Security checks arrive. Weekend maintenance before check day is essential if you’re gonna beat anyone to those great deals at the supermarket by having a scooter that’s well oiled, souped up and ready to go.
By the way. It can be spelled, “souped-up” or “suped-up,” depending on your definition of the word or if seniors are eating soup while riding scooters or they’re on Viagra. Works either way.
The big story however, other than souped up scooters, is that the FBI along with over 150 federal and state law enforcement agents launched a massive raid on “The Scooter Store” because they have been charged with being one of the biggest perpetrators of government fraud in America.
YES! Fraud. Because no seniors actually work at The Scooter Store.
Um…no, that’s not why they raided the store. Sorry. (checking story)
Oh yeah, they raided the store, (I assume on undercover scooters) because the company has been selling scooters to people who don’t actually need them and in the process raking in over $100 million dollars by overbilling Medicare.
There was no mention in this story by “The Atlantic Wire” and Dashiell Bennett, who “dashed” to get this story out, and left out the most important part…..which is…..the exciting raid narrative.
I myself haven’t seen any news video of the raid so I can only assume it went something like this:
“Agent Fernswick. This is agent Grosnick. Are you in position?”
“Copy that sir. Me and four other agents have our scooters all set to crash down the doors and ride like hell into that building.”
“Great. Did you remember to disguise yourselves?”
“Yes sir. Two of the agents are dressed like old ladies, one has an oxygen tank strapped to his scooter, the other has a whoopee cushion to simulate senior farting and I myself have Lawrence Welk stickers plastered all over my scooter. That’ll surely convince them we’re simply a bunch of old seniors checking out their new scooter models.”
“Great! Nice work agent Fernswick. Now you got the plan down to the exact moment when I give the signal to commence the raid don’t ya?”
“Yes sir. It’s two simulated farts from your whoopee cushion and it’s a go.”
“Correct! Now rev up your scooters and get ready!”
I see a made for TV movie down the pike on this. Perhaps starring those same stars that I wrote about last week who are currently starring in action movies but are way over the hill. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Pacino, Alan Arkin, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and for good measure, perhaps Larry King making a cameo appearance.
The raid on The Scooter Store was more than likely brought on by CBS when they ran a story on “CBS This Morning,” (not THIS morning but some other morning) detailing how The Scooter Store “railroads” doctors into prescribing the chair for their patients, most of whom are on Medicaid and Medicare. Which means that they can bill the government for their medical device, while the patient gets a new scooter without paying for it.
Incidentally, we’re talking about scooters that are motorized that one can tool around on at grocery stores, casinos, parking lots, bingos, and anywhere else a scooter can go. NOT the kind of scooter that a lot of us had as kids that you put one foot on and used the other to push yourself around. Although that model may be an option for seniors who want a scooter without the motor just so that they can appear more youthful looking while tooling around town.
CBS discovered in their investigation that the company would harass physicians with non-stop phone calls and office drop-ins in order to wear them down. The pressure also came from the company because their ads guarantee that the chair will be free if they can’t get you qualified.
“Soooooo Mr. Kozowski. I see you got turned down for one of our top of the line scooters. Is that correct?”
“Um yes sir. I applied for your Sting Ray Super Charged model with the Hemi 45,000 engine and all-weather radial tires and the government rejected my application.”
“Welllll, not to worry sir. We here at The Scooter Store will guarantee that you get your scooter in just a matter of days.”
“Geez. How do ya do that? I’ve been calling the government for months and they keep rejecting me.”
“Trust me Mr. Kozowski. We’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse…heh, heh, heh.”
“Oh Miss Sveltson. Would you get me Otto (Mad Dog) Bonecrusher on the phone. And tell him I have a government assignment for him.”
So this may be bad news for any senior who has seen those Scooter Store ads on TV where they promise to get you a scooter even if you’ve been turned down. Now that they’re in deep dog crap over their strong-arm deceitful practices it may be more difficult for anyone to get a scooter.
But fear not my fellow orangutans….um….oops…..sorry, I meant octogenarians. You don’t need no stinkin’ Scooter Store to get you a damn motorized scooter.
Here’s the plan. Go to your local department store and purchase one of those fine leather recliners. Take it to a body shop with a new Briggs and Stratton lawnmower and tell the mechanic you want to have it installed in your recliner. Wheels, gear shifts and all. (potty chairs an option)
(for those of you who can’t afford a new lawn mower, use the one you have….or if you know someone with an old Dodge Ram 2500 Hemi, make an offer to buy the engine off of him)
Put your trust in Sam Elliott folks.
Once you have that stuff installed into your new recliner you’re all set to hit the road. Or shopping centers. Who needs the Scooter Store.
And, you know how difficult it is for most seniors to stay awake more than four hours at a time, so, when you feel the urge to zonk out for a half hour or so, you’ll already be in your recliner.
The FBI would not provide details on any crimes or possible charges behind the raid, but 1,200 Scooter Store employees, (none on scooters) were escorted from their headquarters in New Braunfels, Texas last Wednesday as investigators were digging for clues. Like maybe scooters equipped with old 1962 Plymouth V-6 engines instead of those Hemi ones.
One final note. If you’re one of those dead beat seniors that has a scooter and really doesn’t need one but simply want to use it to cut ahead in lines, like at airports, free donut days at the senior center or beating someone to a slot machine at a casino, you don’t have to worry. The FBI says that it will not be going after your butt.
They commented, “We’re sure most Scooter Store customers are unhealthy people, innocently going along with the company’s promises of getting out of the house more, but the disability fakers are the real criminals if you ask me.”
Which is the main reason you never see terrorists riding a scooter. They know the FBI and Homeland Security will be watching them very closely.
Now, as we end today’s blog. An upbeat tune for all scooter wielding seniors.
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