Can Ya Believe It! There Are Actually Germs In Australia….OMG!!!

Easily recognizable birthday cake germs. (Australian)

Easily recognizable birthday cake germs. (Australian)

Now you wouldn’t think any self-respecting germ would venture all the way down under to Australia just to raise some havoc with the populace.  After all, it IS a long way to Australia for any germ to travel that great distance. Why go that distance when there are so many places right here in the United States that germs could actively thrive in.

Like lower Manhattan for instance. I’m only citing lower Manhattan because of the rat population that resides there. Which, in my own humble opinion, would be a great place for any germ to hang out.

But, that said, apparently Australian health officials, who also apparently haven’t seen the rats in lower Manhattan, are freaking out over germs on little kiddies, namely school children’s, birthday cakes. YES!  Germies on birthday cakes. Because, as we all know, germs love sweets and especially birthday cakes. Puts them in a festive mood I guess.

So its like this. The authorities, birthday-cake-germ-a-phobia police, have come to the conclusion that when a child having a birthday, thus, having a birthday cake, which usually comes with having a birthday, attempts to blow out such candles as are usually associated with the so-called germ-o-phobic birthday cakes, he, or she, thereby spreads all kinds of ugly awfully looking germs all over the place.

Soooooo. What to do?

Australian parents protesting

Australian parents protesting

According to an article in the “Washington Times,” “the newly party-pooping guidelines suggest that children who want to blow out a candle on their birthday should bring their own cupcake and avoid blowing germs all over the communal cake.”

My thinking is that this would thereby eliminate the necessity for the main birthday cake if every child brings a cupcake. Thereby putting the bakery birthday cake business in a slump. Thereby making the Australian economy take a nose dive, but, possibly being able to recover from the increase in cup cake sales.

However, considering the candle manufacturers may take a hit on this as well, they might also benefit from the ban on birthday cakes by an increase in birthday candle sales for each individual cupcake.

So, you see, there are ups and downs with regard to the birthday cake ban blowing out candle thing.

The article went on to say, “To prevent the spread of germs when the child blows out the candles, parents should either provide a separate cupcake, with a candle if they wish, for the birthday child and (either) enough cupcakes for all the other children.”

Which is a great plan as long as little Johnny or Susie aren’t little sneaky cupcake grubbing maniacs and scoff up three or four cupcakes for themselves leaving some other kid without a cupcake. At which point a fight could break out, cupcake residue strewn all over the place, along with candles, and then consequently germs are spread in other ways.

Like little kids diving on the floor to get the remnants of cupcakes from the melee. Then again, there’s also the fire hazard from those candles on each individual cupcake. Who the hell is gonna keep their eyes on every single kid eating a cupcake with a freakin’ lighted candle on it. Before ya know it, a fire hazard for cripes sakes.

Then the fire department has to be called in and you know how those guys love cupcakes once a fire is put out. Not to mention the police too.

Then there’s the candle wax problem. Wax all over the damn place from those gazillion cupcake candles. This could get waaaaay outta hand.

Hmmm……maybe just dealing with the germs on one cake wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Litttle Johnny, now a grown adult, still suffers from cakeophobia and is addicted to cupcakes

Litttle Johnny, now a grown adult, still suffers from cakeophobia and is addicted to cupcakes

The only people who see the foolishness in all this is the “National Health and Medical Research Council” who say that these cake rules go too far in “bubble-wrapping” children.

YES! I agree. Cripes, I ate dirt when “I” was a kid. I STILL go by the ten second rule, or 3 second rule, (who knows) that when ya drop something on the floor, you can still pick it up and shove it in your mouth. Waste not, want not.

And I never got sick…..EVER!

Um….with the exception of that one time when I dropped a pepperoni pizza in a restaurant parking lot, brought it home, and scarfed it down. But that was the only time. One quick trip to the emergency room to have my stomach pumped and I was fine.

Furthermore, and forsooth, the “Australian Medical Association” President, (not Obama or Rolf Harris) Steve Humbleton says, “If you live in a plastic bubble you’re going to get infection, (later in life) that you can’t handle. Just wash your hands before you eat.”

So all this germophobia birthday cake stuff is a bit much Australia. Or mates.

My suggestion. Let them eat cake.

Hmmm……who said that?

Oh yeah…………..

Perhaps the Queen should speakith more clearly next time....

Perhaps the Queen should speakith more clearly next time….

Children of Australia unite!  Parents… them!  Give them their stinkin’ birthday cake with candles on it!  Maybe more candles than their actual age. 30 or 40 candles maybe.

No germ is gonna survive on a cake with that many candles on it.

See…..problem solved.

Um… can I please have a slice of cake? Oh, make sure you spray your hands first, wear a surgical sanitary face mask, and carry a big fire extinguisher…….jusssssst in case.

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(dedicated to my friend Lesley in New South Wales… : )

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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4 Responses to Can Ya Believe It! There Are Actually Germs In Australia….OMG!!!

  1. charlie says:

    Can’t wait to see this one in action!

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