The Pope Retires. Ok, So What Kinda Benefit Package Does He Get?

Available soon at Macys

Available soon at Macys

Pope Benedict XVI, “Benny,” to his closest friends, announced that he plans to retire at the end of this month. He will only be the second Pope to resign, besides Pope Celestine V who retired back in 1294, as we all remember. (There was also  Pope Gregory XII, who abdicated in 1415) The only other Pope who considered resigning other than the two I just mentioned, is J.K. Simmons, Chief William Pope from the TV series “The Closer.” And only because he wanted to take on other roles, other than that of Chief Pope.

So what kind of benefits does a retiring Pope get?  Other than a nice condo on the Vatican grounds and cable TV. I mean, it’s not like he can collect Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid as a lot of us seniors do here in the United States.

So basically I have no idea what benefits a retiring Pope gets.

Free cable TV with an unlimited subscription to reruns of “The Flying Nun?”  Daily access to Julie Andrews in “The Sound of Music?”  All featured on the “Biblical Channel” of course. Which only has one sponsor, “Christian Singles,”  I think. Seems logical to me.

High stakes pays more

High stakes bingo…it pays more

And what do you give a Pope as a retirement gift anyhow? The guy doesn’t drive so it’s not like you can give him one of those plastic Jesus statues for the dashboard of his car. Great if he could keep the Popemobile, but that goes to the new guy.

Seeing that he’s not going to be the Pope anymore, perhaps he could enjoy some good comedy stuff. Like George Carlin’s take on growing up as a kid in the Catholic church. I’m sure he’d get a big laugh outta that routine.

Maybe he could start attending bingo games which is a big draw at a lot of Catholic churches. Just think of the attendance it would draw if the Pope was there. Although, if he won at bingo, there might be some in the crowd calling foul due to the close connection Benny has with the big guy. Hmmm…..maybe not such a good idea.

Or he could concentrate on his new Twitter account being able to spend more time tweeting.

The hash tag Benny, # Don't forget the hash tag!

The hash tag Benny, # Don’t forget the hash tag!

You know another thing that I’ve always wondered about. If the Pope sneezes does anyone nearby, say like a bunch of Cardinals say, “God Bless You,” or simply Gesundheit? Which is German, and he IS German. Or does God himself actually say it. I mean, he IS second in charge under God.

Would he consider retiring to Florida? That’s where all seniors go just before they buy the farm. Commonly referred to as, “God’s Waiting Room.” Its sunny, great beaches, lots of healthy oranges to eat, and plenty of people his own age. He’d kinda blend right in don’t ya think.

AND….he wouldn’t have to wear all that cumbersome flowing robe stuff. Do you have any idea how hard it is to simply go to the bathroom with all of that stuff on? I suggest he settle for a plaid pair of pants and a nice cardigan sweater. Nice touch.

Hey, if you’re gonna retire you might as well enjoy the rest of your life in comfort instead of hanging around the Vatican knowing that just a few feet below you are the bones of those other Popes. Kinda scary. Like hanging around a cemetery for cripes sake.

Pope Benedict's first tweet. Day 1.

Pope Benedict’s first tweet. Day 1.

I always thought that it was really a pain in the butt to be a Pope. I mean, look at it this way. You get up in the morning and look outside your bedroom window and its a bright sunny day, so you fling open the curtains, open the window to take a nice deep breath while you’re still in your pajamas and six thousand people are standing down below in St Peter’s Square watching you. How embarrassing is that!

Pope Benedict's tweets. Day 2.

Pope Benedict’s tweets. Day 2.

So I guess I can understand why Pope Benedict has simply just had it. I know he stated that the reasons he wanted to retire were due to the fact that he felt he could no longer physically, psychologically and spiritually endure the pressures of the job and the demands, not to mention the minimum wage, (really low) and possibly even the cost of gas for the Popemobile.

The cost alone of taking the Popemobile through the Vatican car wash alone were cutting into his expenses. Lots of pigeons in St. Peters square.

So, whatever benefits the retiring Pope gets, it should really be a very good retirement package considering all of the other Popes never dipped into the retirement fund. Mainly because they all died in office. With the exception of Celestine V, who only lived long enough after retiring to purchase one of those top of the line Roman chariots.

Good luck to Pope Benedict and his unknown successor, to be announced, as we all know, after a bunch of Cardinals gather at the Vatican with some really good cigars, smoke up the room, and then air it out by opening a window after making their decision, which in turn alerts the people waiting outside in St. Peters square that they have reached a decision as to who the new Pope will be.

White smoke…..a new Pope.

Black smoke…….send in more cigars, we’re not done yet.

Or,,,,it really does mean they need more cigars.

Or……… really does mean they need more cigars.

Just sayin.’

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Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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