Sometimes you just have to keep in touch with old friends otherwise they go missing and you never hear about it till eons later. Like maybe even 500 years or so.
Such is the case of England’s King Richard, (Dick for short) who went missing some 500 years ago after telling his wife, the Queen I guess, that he was just going out to pick up a loaf of bread to go with the gruel she was cooking that night. But, he never returned.
A similar fate fell upon a guy named “Charlie” in Boston, Massachusetts many years ago when he boarded the MTA and never returned as depicted in a tribute to the guy in a song by the group the “Kingston Trio.” Although Charlie did not meet the same fate as King Richard.
Most likely because King Richard was really a dastardly type guy….as dastardly guys go.
According to Yahoo news in an article by Michael Holden of the “Reuters” news service, Richard’s bones were discovered last year during excavations of a medieval fairy under a parking lot.
Um…..wait a sec here. (reading more for clarification purposes)
Ohhh. Sorry, I got that wrong. It wasn’t a medieval fairy at all. I should have known better. As we all know fairies do not exist. Unless they did in medieval times and there’s a coverup going on. But, in this instance, it’s a “mediaeval friary” where they located his skeleton.
Scuse me a sec. I haven’t a freakin’ idea what a “mediaeval friary” is.
(looking it up)
Oh, I see. It’s a place where Friars used hang out when they weren’t frying things. Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering, that word, “mediaeval” can also be spelled “medieval” or just plain evil. I gave up trying to figure out which evil is the correct evil.
But, speaking of evil, which apparently King Richard was, as evil goes, he was really evil. He was actually evil underlined. Even worse than Evel Knievel. How evil? Sooooo evil that he was labeled a monstrous tyrant who murdered two princes, (no relation to the rock singer Prince) in the Tower of London.
Unfortunately for Richard, he met his untimely demise at the hands of some guy named Henry Tudor, (for which tudor sedans are named after) at the Battle of Bosworth Field in central England in 1485.
Contrary to opinion, Bosworth Field never has hosted a Super Bowl game.
So of course this solves the mystery as to where King (despicable) Richard’s body was buried. Which, as I said, was under a friary which was itself under a parking lot.
“Heyyyyyyyy, nice parking lot ya got here buddy. Kinda like fit for a King.”
DNA taken from the bones matched that of Michael Ibsen, a Canadian-born furniture maker in London who genealogists said was the direct descendant of Richard’s sister, Anne of York. Not to be confused with Alvin, Dick, Susannah, Michael or New York.
After examining the bones, which was not done, contrary to popular opinion, by Booth or Temperance from the Jeffersonian from the TV show “Bones,” but by those genealogist brainiacs, they determined that the skeleton showed signs of injuries consistent with wounds received in battle. Or from an argument with the Queen for using that same lame excuse that he was going out for bread and never coming back until 2am in the morning.
Actually, the examination showed a bladed implement that appeared to have cleaved part of the rear of the skull while a barbed metal arrowhead was found between the vertebrae of the skeleton’s upper back.
Which obviously means that Richard was cleaved in the back of his head by someone who most likely snuck up on him from behind and cleaved the livin’ daylights outta him. Then, because his assailant really hated the King, shot him with an arrow. Then, perhaps buried his body in a parking lot. Which, I assume, in those days, consisted of parking for horses, coaches and maybe an occasional high-end chariot or two.
My money is on some really pissed off Friar that did in the King. Even though it states that the other guy, Henry Tudor was the culprit. Think about it. Why else would Richard’s body be found buried under a Friary parking lot?
Unless, of course, Tudor had mob connections. You know how the mob likes to bury bodies under parking lots.
(note to those genealogist guys: We’re still looking for Jimmy Hoffa’s body back here in the USA. If ya happen to come across some bones and remnants of a shark skin suit that you determine date back to the mid 70’s, wanna give us a call)
While the findings, (Richard’s bones) may solve one riddle about the King, (not Larry) he still remains a complex figure whose life, made famous by a play by Shakespeare, still deeply divides opinions among historians in Britain and abroad.
Like why would a King go out for a loaf of bread late at night if that was really a ploy to score with some castle maidens when all he had to do was lock a few of them up down in the deep dark recesses of the castle and just go down there for a quickie or two.
Unless……..he was really getting it on with a Friar who owned a parking lot.
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