From time to time I like to reflect on that age-old mystery, which on occasion, I attempt to clear up, which is, why women drive men nuts. It usually takes an incident to get me off on this subject involving my other half. Once again she’s come through. Hence, today’s blog. The, “Torture Men By Shopping Blog.”
Which also leads my friends Tom and Bob to comment, “Geez, it’s a wonder you’re still alive!”
Soooo, what got me off today. Womens logic. Yep, how a woman’s brain takes something and turns it around to conform to their way of thinking. Which is usually demented. And, there’s no way any guy can argue the point. And live.
Now this coming February I will celebrate another one of those horrible events in life. A stinkin’ birthday. Not that it bothers me mind you. I’ve already accepted that I’m waaaaay over the hill. (so much over that even a bear couldn’t climb it to see what’s on the other side without a Sherpa and a bunch of guide dogs.)
Nope, being my age doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I don’t even care if I get a cake, gift, or a card. They only serve as reminders, which I obviously don’t need because to me its just another day. I mean, it’s not like I’m 16 or something and have something to look forward to. Which, in my case, being very old……death…………eventually. Hey….it comes with the territory.
So now to women logic. We go shopping at J C Penny, (um what the hell does the J C stand for anyhow?) Hmmmm……maybe “just come?” Like in, “just come to Penny’s.” Nah…..but it would be a great line in a sex movie with some hooker having sex with a drunk…….(ya have to think about that one folks)
Soooooo, our main mission on this day is to purchase a twin electric blanket because I like to sit on the sofa at night with my laptop computer and be nice and snug and cozy….and warm…..as I write. Along with the five cats who also love electric blankets. My other half is always hot and I’m always cold. Hence, the need for my electric blanket, considering she keeps the house thermostat set at 65 degrees and has fixed it at that point with super glue. (she doesn’t trust me)
Fine, we get the blanket and I’m ready to exit the linen department before sleep overtakes me. (this sleep effect syndrome affects all men who accompany women in the linen department, pocket-book department, and housewares department)
She comes to a screeching halt by the jewelry department and spots a necklace, bracelet, earring, and ring set that immediately says, “buy me.” (J C Penny has the same writers that made those “eat me” notes in “Alice in Wonderland.)
“Ohhhhhh honeeeeee! Isn’t that neat. Look how beautiful…… and all the things….they match!!!
“Yeah, yeah….really nice.” (as I begin to saunter towards the exit)
(Enter salesperson who has been lurking undercover somewhere waiting for the appropriate moment to pounce on a possible prospective sale)
“Why yes ma’am. And….if you buy this entire set NOW…..as in “NOW” you’ll get an incredible discount. AND…Yes….as in, “act now and we’ll include this as in TV ads”….if you buy this NOW…..we’ll, in honor of Valentine’s Day, give you a free box of chocolates!”
Chocolates……(I was doomed)
So, being the affectionate kind-hearted Valentines Day sentimentalist that I am, I was about to say, “Geez, do ya want that for Valentine’s day?”
BUT…..before I could get the words outta my mouth…….she said it first!
“Sooooo honeeee……..you want to buy that for me for Valentine’s Day?”
Yep…..doomed by the old box of free chocolates ploy and the ol guilt trip manuever.
So……I bought it for her. AND…….proceeded to say, “Ok dear…..that’s your Valentine’s Day gift.”
At which point, she turned to me and lovingly said, “Ohhhh how sweet. And honeeee, the electric blanket……it’s “your” Valentine’s Day gift.”
Now keep in mind folks that this, as I began to state at the beginning of this blog, is “woman’s logic.”
Ya see, it’s like this. She’s been planning to buy this electric blanket for eons. She was just waiting for the right sale price to come along. Unfortunately, as a man, my timing was off. How? Buying her that jewelry set and giving her the opportunity to slip in the electric blanket as a Valentine’s Day counter gift tactic.
What could I do? I was “Valentinedaysnookered.”
So, once again I was foiled by the fickle finger of freakin’ fate. My Valentine’s Day gift is an electric blanket, which, if I had enough brains, I could have bought on sale in July and possibly saved myself from getting it as a gift in February. Damn!
So let this be a lesson to all you men out there. NEVER…..I REPEAT……NEVER……leave the ol shopping door open to get sucked into one of those traps. Especially if it’s around any event that requires getting a gift for a woman.
But, it could have been a lot worse.
I could have taken her to Sears, or some other store, say like Home Depot, picked up a box of screws that I needed, while she picked out a new set of table lamps, say around Christmas, and then have her turn to me and say….”Here honeeee, these screws are for you for Christmas.”
Which basically means I get screwed again.
Which is why I have now resolved myself to just staying in the truck while she shops and doing a crossword puzzle.
At least around any event like Valentine’s Day or any holiday that requires buying her a gift.
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