“The Geezer Squad.” Is It Me Or Are Movies Going AARP Ballistic?

Fart.....oops

Fart…..oops

Something verrrry strange is going on in Hollywood. Maybe you haven’t noticed it, but ya better start paying attention to the influx of new action movies that are hitting the big screen. It’s “Geezerpaloozza!!!!”

YES! Action heroes who are in their 60’s and 70’s coming to the rescue of fair damsels in distress, with possible, (gawd forbid) geezer sex scenes too. OMFG!!!!action wet t shirt contest

Here’s a few examples of what we’re in for:

Movie: “Bullet To The Head.” Starring Sylvester Stallone, (66) Puleeeese!  Put a freakin’ bullet to the head of Sylvester for cripes sake. The guy is 66!  What the hell is he gonna do to stop crime, corruption and those 26-year-old bad guys? Smack em in the head with a bag of depends? I bet he can barely hold a freakin’ Uzi in his hands without a stunt double.

“Quick somebody, Sly’s fallin’ over, the Uzi’s waaaay to heavy….get a stunt double!”

Movie: “The Last Stand.” Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, (65)  Yeah, I’m sure they named this movie correctly. At 65 if I had a bunch of terrorists chasing my butt it might be my “last stand” too. From a lack of oxygen tryin’ to out run a bunch of guys 40 years younger than me.

“Quick Arnold, jump on one of those “Scooter Store” scooters and get the hell outta there!”

Arnold's life as an action hero ends tragically after having forgotten his bifocals,

Arnold’s life as an action hero ends tragically after having forgotten his bifocals,

Movie: “A Good Day To Die Hard.” Starring Bruce Willis, (57) the youngest of these geezer super studs. I’ll cut Bruce some slack on this one. Only because at 57 I could still cut my front lawn without gasping for air. I said the “front” lawn. Can’t do the back yard at the same time without at least taking two days off to recuperate from cutting the front lawn.

"Hey...I'd show ya the rest of my muscles in my wife beater shirt here, but I ain't got any."

“Hey…I’d show ya the rest of my muscles in my wife beater shirt here, but I ain’t got any.”

Might be a scene of Bruce being pursued by a gas-powered riding lawnmower and he blows it up. Which is quite typical in Willis’ movies. Lots of blowing up stuff….like riding lawnmowers. Maybe even a weed whacker. You know how bad guys in Willis movies like to blow up garden power stuff.

Movie: “Stand Up Guys.” Starring, (get this) Al Pacino, (7o freakin’ 2) Christopher Walken, (69) and Alan Arkin, (70 ya gotta be kidding me 8)  WTF! A 70, 69 and 78-year-old bunch of AARP members are gonna be in an action movie!  And I can’t even get a job at my local post office as a sub carrying mail!

Pacino and Arkin in a sex scene clip from "Stand Up Pants Guys."

Pacino and Arkin in a sex scene clip from “Stand Up Pants Guys.”

“Um sorry Mr. Misfit. We here at the USPS don’t think you’re capable of delivering mail because the mail bags are too heavy. Perhaps you might consider enlisting in the Army and kicking some ass. Either that, or if you can handle it, gathering shopping carts at a WalMart……lots of action there buddy.”

I don’t get it. Hollywood wants us to think that a bunch of arthritic cholesterol pill popping wrinkled face sagging varicose vein denture toting bifocal glass wearing Viagra he-men are going to save us from all the bad guys?  REALLY!

I’ll believe that when I see Larry King and Hugh Hefner standing naked in a crowd full of women without any of them barfing.

Only if AARP Magazine starts having nude senior centerfolds.

Only if AARP Magazine starts having nude senior centerfolds.

Cripes, even Henry Winkler has enough brains to know that when you’re over the freakin’ hill, (mountain in those other guys cases) that you should relegate yourself to playing more believable roles. Like grandfatherly type guys. Or Santa Claus at Christmas. Now THOSE parts in a move starring those geezers I’d believe. But action heroes!!!!

What action? Attempting to get up outta of a recliner without farting?

“Ok Arnold…..we’re gonna untie you, but ya better spill the beans about where the secret stash of explosive chemicals you took from us are hidden.”

(untying Arnold)

“fart….blazzzaah……fart…..pfsssssst!!!!!”

“OMG!  RUN!”  (cough cough)

“”Ah told ya I’d be baaaaack. And I came prepared. Twelve cans of “Bush’s” baked beans before I came here…………verrrry explosive stuff….heh, heh, heh.”

Another reason you never see Arnold wearing socks in an action movie.

Another reason you never see Arnold wearing socks in an action movie.

Let’s not forget another geezer romping all over the place possibly using adhesive denture cream so his choppers don’t fall out while attempting to do a steamy love scene. Harrison Ford who’s 70. YES….70!!!  WTF!

Instead of “Indiana Jones,” how about renaming it, “Florida Jones.” (where old senior action heroes go to live out the rest of their crime fighting days)

Cripes, even Tom Seleck, (67) knows when it’s time to hang up the jock strap. Obviously when there’s no substantial “jock’ to put into that “strap.”  At least any that’s worth mentioning….or displaying. Unless you’re trying to impress a senior woman in her 60’s and 70’s. HEY! When you’re that age anything in a jock strap looks hot. Actually, anything breathing looks hot.

But, that said, at least Tom is playing a role, (Blue Bloods) that’s believable. Ya don’t see him swinging from rafters 100 stories above ground or jumping fences chasing a perp do ya?  And even though he does play an occasional role in those “Jesse Stone” thrillers, it’s still believable. Um…..I personally just do not want to see him naked.

Then again….I’m not a 67-year-old woman.

So what’s with Hollywood’s obsession with old geezers doing action movies anyhow? Aren’t there a lot of much younger guys to fill those roles?

Like, um……Paul Blart, (“Mall Cop”) Um….maybe not…..the running fast factor.

Ok..um….Billy Gardell, (“Mike & Molly”) Yeah, he’s already a cop. Er….maybeeee not……the running fast factor again. Rats!

I got it! Lance Armstrong. Yes! He could chase them no goodnicks down on a bike doing 100 mph. Oops….no, that won’t work either. He can only do that if he’s hyped up and I think he’s in enough trouble as it is. Damn!

Um....Lance.....forget trying to get a job at Pepsi too.

Um….Lance…..forget trying to get a job at Pepsi too.

Geez….kinda slim pickins here. (I did consider Slim Pickins but he’s long gone.) I think he bought the farm riding a bomb dropped from a plane in “Dr. Strangelove.”

Cripes….isn’t there anybody Hollywood could cast in a truly believable action movie? At least someone who’s not on Social Security and Medicare.

(thinking)

Alas……the only truly believable character would have to be a comic strip super hero. Because, as we all know, comic strip characters NEVER age. Examples: Spiderman, Superman, The Incredible Hulk, Captain American, the Green Hornet and Jimmy Thudpucker, (Doonesbury)…….the latter being my personal choice.

And that’s only because in a lot of these action filled movies there’s always a lot of cussing and “F” words…..which censors have to cut out. So, if Thudpucker is cast as an action hero, the word, “thudpucker”could be substituted for “mother*****r” but we’d all still get it and laugh our butts off.

“You dirty no good rotten Thudpucker…………”

One final tip for any of these aging stars………action pass a bathrooms

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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