Today was one of those days that my pea sized brain went into news overload. That’s when the same news stories get rehashed over and over again by the media and it makes me want to watch re runs of World War II reports. Only because I wasn’t around to watch any news reports during World War II so I might actually learn something. In deference to watching today’s news programs.
Like I already know the big controversy surrounding gun control. Hey…if ya can’t control your own gun then you shouldn’t own one.
Or the debt ceiling debates. For cripes sake, what’s that all about? My ceiling has been paid for since 2007 along with the rest of my house. If Washington can’t solve their own debt ceiling problem, move into a damn tent.
Lance Armstrong. How many nights do I have to watch a news channel beat this doping story to death? OK…OK…I get it already….Lance Armstrong was a dope. So was I in high school. But since then, nobody’s ever called me a dope. Dipshit maybe, but not a dope.
Republicans vs Democrats. So what else is freakin’ new. I say potatoe you say potato. (Does anybody miss Dan Quayle?) I say solve this problem once and for all and get it off this news cycle. Have each and every member of Congress have to duel it out with pistols on the grounds of the Capitol. Which ever party has the most survivors rules. How simple is that!
Besides, the NRA would love that.
Speaking of the NRA, (National Rifle Association) why is it they only have the word “rifle” in their name? How about the “NRAWPBAAHGACSSA.” Which stands for, “National Rifle Assault Weapon, Pistol, Bow and Arrow, Hand Grenade, Catapult, Sling Shot Association.” Just about covers everything……I think.
And what the hell is it with the names in the news of various terrorist organizations anyhow? “Al-qaida” or Al-dante, “Hamas ” or Hamhocks, “Hisballah” or Sheballah, the “Taliban” or the Marchingban and the “Real Irish Republican Army.” Is there a fake Irish Republican Army?
And one of those, the “Taliban” I thought for the longest time was featured in an old Harry Belafonte song, “Banana Boat” (Day -O.)
It thought it went something like this: “Come Mr. Taliban tally me banana….daylight come and me wan go home.”
Actually, he was saying, “tallyman,” which I guess is a man who tallies up bananas at the end of the day. A boring job but nonetheless very “apeeling” to anyone seeking to make a name for himself in the banana industry. Or as a mathematician.
For those of you who may doubt my confusion as to whether he was saying “Taliban” or “Tallyman” here’s one of my favorite versions of that song by Harry….um……but with a little assistance. (listen for the “tallyman” word)
Then there’s the constant and never-ending Obama negative stories. Which plays very well on some network media sites and not so well on others. Depending on which news outlet you choose to watch. If you dislike the president, you love the negative stories. If you like the president, you love the positive stories. The main goal of course is to cater to both sides of the aisle.
If you’re bright enough to figure out that certain media channels will do either negative or positive stories, you’ll take it with a grain of salt. Or a shot of Jack Daniels. Thereby choosing your news source wisely. I, myself, choose the “dumb and dumber” news source which I find to be a lot more credible than all of the rest mainstream channels.
“Comedy Central’s” Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Only because I like a little humor with my negativity. That, and because I’ve yet to see any advertising for “Viagra” or “Cialis” during their shows because I’m awfully tired of hearing about guys who may have a problem with a four-hour erection.
PROBLEM? What freakin’ problem? If I had a four-hour erection do ya think I’d be on the damn phone complaining to my doctor? Nooooo! Um……my other half would.
So ya see, all this is nonsensical stuff as far as I’m concerned. It’s nothing that can’t be solved by simply thinking logically and coming up with a solution rather than arguing about it day in and day out and boring me to death while I watch the news.
Give me something interesting and new for cripes sake!
Like a little known but interesting fact while you’re showing some guy who’s been arrested for DWI.
(Reporter) “So Mr. Snorkenfern was arrested for driving while under the influence and is being held without bail in the local hoosegow. On another note, did you know that eels are so chemically sensitive to alcohol that it can detect a quantity equivalent to one teaspoon stirred into Lake Superior. So, if any of you are planning a boating excursion on Lake Superior this holiday weekend, you do not have to worry about drunken eels ramming into your boat.”
See….now that’s informative and highly interesting news.
Now a word from our sponsor.
“Ex-Lax.” For people who love negative news reports because they have s**t for brains.
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