We all knew it was just a matter of time before Terry Francona, former manager of the Boston Dead Sox, or someone else within the Sox dysfunctional organization, wrote a tell all book. Sooooo Terry, tell us all….WTF was going on in that clubhouse.
Besides wild orgys with chicken and beer. Um, no, there were no wild orgys with chicken and beer in his new book so forget about calling the American Chicken Defense League and complaining about the mistreatment of innocent chickens by getting them drunk and taking advantage of them.
According to Francona, the owners of the Boston Red Sox were preoccupied with sagging boobs….um….geez….no that’s not right either. CRIPES! Isn’t there ANY sex in this story at all?
They were preoccupied with “sagging” TV ratings and hired marketing consultants who urged the team to place greater emphasis on “good-looking” stars and “sex symbols.”
HAH! I knew there was sex in here somewhere. Now we’re getting to the good stuff here folks. Sex.
We all know that you just can’t win baseball games without having good-looking stars and sex symbols. Which is why I’ve always said that baseball coaches should be sexy women with a lot of cleavage. Bet you’d see a lot of pitchers throw the ball over to the first baseman when someone is trying to steal second just so the cameraman can zoom in on the sexy coach.
“So Don, how many times does that make that Buchholz has thrown the ball over to first base?”
“Geez, Jerry, beats me. I was watchin’ Charlene the first base coach. She almost got one of those balls stuck in her cleavage.”
“Damn Don…..how would ya rule that call?”
“I dunno…….”PCB” maybe.”
“Yep…..”Passed Cleavage Ball.”
Francona said that he nearly walked out of a meeting he had in 2010 with majority owner John W. Henry. (no relation to O’Henry) Chairman Tom Werner, (not to be confused with “Werner Brothers” movies…..um….no….sorry, that’s “Warner Brothers”) and CEO Larry Lucchino, who, although has a name that sounds like that famous mobster, “Lucky Luciano,” is not connected to the mob. As far as I know.
In that meeting all three executives, according to Francona, complained about declining TV ratings on NESN, (New England Sports Network) which is owned by the team, and said that, “We need to start winning in more exciting fashion.”
Now this either means that the three owners thought that in order to win in “more exciting fashion” they should have the players dress in designer clothing, say like “Giorgio Armani” or “Gianni Versace” designer baseball uniforms or, make the game more “exciting” by incorporating various dance moves as featured on “Dancing With the Stars.” I’m not sure that’s what they meant however. Just a guess.
The book states that women are “definitely drawn to the “soap opera” and “reality-TV” aspects of the game. They are interested in good-looking stars and sex symbols.” Citing All-Star second baseman Dustin Pedroia as an example of a sex symbol.
WHAT!!!! Dustin Pedroia a freakin’ sex symbol?
Dustin….. I’m most of the time unshaven and going bald a SEX SYMBOL???
What damn steroids are these guys on to think Dustin is a sex symbol? Jacoby Ellsbury and “Wally” the Red Sox mascot maybe…..but Dustin!
I would have said Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo, the Sox play by-play TV announcers, but I didn’t want to push it.
Soooooooo. What did management do to bring sexiness into the game. They brought in two hot looking sexy players. Because, as we all know, sex wins games. Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez. Who have since been given the deep six. Most likely because they never showed any of their sexual prowess on the field while playing. You know, like making advances towards other players, throwing kisses to the pitcher while at bat, and adjusting their crotches in a seductive manner. Which always excites my other half.
Now if you think baseball is all about baseball and nothing else…….here’s a clue from the book.
Francona said the Red Sox owners refused to let the team play day games on final days of home stands, (which is nothing like a lemonade stand) because of television.
“One thing the players were always asking was for getaway day games. The owners would never go for it. They couldn’t have more day games because the ratings were already suffering and that would have hurt worse.”
YES! The game is all about ratings and television. Ratings = viewers = $$$$$$$$$.
And you all thought they were showing Red Sox games just to entertain you. Fools. Why do ya think there are commercials between innings and all sorts of corporate advertising signs all over the field. My thinking is that it’s just a matter of time before baseball uniforms have advertisements on them.
“David Ortiz’s looking good at “34” elixir. Yes, just like my number on my shirt, you too can look 34 again.”
“Jacoby Ellsbury says “two,” as on my shirt, is the only safe amount of drinks you should have while driving. A public service announcement from the safe driving bureau.”
“Hey guys. Wanna look “39,” again. I’m Jarrod Saltalamaccia for the Men’s Hair Club. Just like my jersey number says, you can look and feel 39 again.”
Francona goes on to say in his book that, “The last chapter is hard because it was a hard ending. I’m sure there will be a thing or two that will piss somebody off that I didn’t think it would, but I’ve read it seven times and me and Dan, (The Boston Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy co-writer of the book) made change after change because I wanted it to be good, I wanted it to be interesting and I also wanted to preserve the clubhouse because I do believe in that so much.”
All in all this should be a very interesting book if you’re a baseball fan or a dyed in the wool Red Sox fan. Or…..a Yankee fan whose still steaming over Joe Torre’s tell all book.
Me….I’m holding out for “Wally’s,” (the Red Sox mascot) to write his own tell all book.
If only to find out what the hell goes on in that broadcast booth between Donald and Jerry during those commercial breaks.
They’re always much too innocent looking for my liking.
Spill the Boston Baked Beans guys……write a damn tell all book for cripes sake!
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