Another Blog About Cats. Sorry, I Couldn’t Help Myself.

cats guy with tonsI get sucked into writing cat blogs very easily. Obviously because I live with five cats whose main goal is to drive me insane at every opportunity. So, whenever anyone writes an article about cats I always pay attention just to see if they can offer me any advice on how to outwit the little suckers or if there are any cat hit men out there.

Cats sole purpose when I'm writing is to wait for the opportune to moment to step on the keyboard and hit the "delete" button.

Cats sole purpose when I’m writing is to wait for the opportune moment to step on the keyboard and hit the “delete” button.

What caught my eye was an article entitled, “Six Reasons Why Your Cat Is Waking You,” by “Healthy Living, Care2.”  I think they cover a lot of stuff on living healthy and apparently wrote this article because they know that a lot of us that own cats are living unhealthy lives because we’re dying a slow death from inhaling cat fur in our sleep.

Why else would I be coughing up a fur ball every morning?

So this article lists six reasons why your cat may insist upon waking you either during the night or in the early morning hours. Which, I assume, may contribute to leading an unhealthy life. Otherwise why would they waste their time writing this article. Unless it’s a secret plot by dogs to make cats look bad.cats to hate

So, here are the reasons why cats keep waking you. Other than my own conclusion, which is, TO SIMPLY PISS ME OFF!!!

1. “Illness.” The article says that cats may be trying to tell you that they’re sick. Like having a toothache. Yes, cats do get toothaches from eating too many sweet mice who have overdosed on goodies in your closet. According to Cindi Cox, DVM at the MSPCA-Angell adoption center in Jamacia Plain, Massachusetts, some of the more common cat ailments are arthritis, hyperthyroidism, and high blood pressure, all of which can be diagnosed by a veterinarian.

If your cat seems to be constantly complaining about aches and pains and waking you in the middle of the night asking you to get it some pain medication, then it’s a sure sign it may have arthritis or maybe just a headache. Either way, the simple solution would be to give it its own bottle of pain relievers and access to the bathroom faucet at night. Providing your cat with its own sippy cup may help as well.

I posted this map of a cat brain before, but in case you missed it, here it is again. Memorize it for yoiur own safety.

Courtesy of CSI....Criminal Minds.

Courtesy of CSI….Criminal Minds.

2. “Boredom.” Yes, cats get bored as evidenced by constant yawning and dozing off 20 hours out of a 24 hour day cycle. It’s those other 4 hours out of the 24 that they come alive….usually between 1 and 5am when you’re trying to get a good night’s sleep. The solution? Make the little SOB’s exhausted during the day so that they’re too tired to even think about staying awake during the night. The article suggests foraging toys or hiding small amounts of food throughout the house to keep them busy during the day.

My other half does that to me so that I keep my mind off of sex and on food and snacks.

Another suggestion is to keep them active while you’re watching TV by dangling toys in front of them or toss a ball around. Do this especially one hour prior to bedtime and they’ll be too exhausted to bother you during the night. This of course will save you a lot of money on your cable TV bill as well. Because you won’t have any freakin’ time to watch TV if you’re constantly entertaining the cat. That’s the bad news. The good news…..you’ll get a good nights sleep.

3. “Habit.” If you taught your kitty to sleep with you at night, then basically you’re screwed. You know, you thought it was cute to have it sleep with you, and when it woke up in the middle of the night you said, “Aw….poor little kitty, let daddy or mommy cuddle you.” Well guess what!  Now it wants more….and more….and more!  Kinda like guys with sex when they wake up in the middle of the night and want to mess around from overdosing on catnip.

Well, ya handle the cat the same way. “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” Um…no, that won’t work. The best way, says the article, is to totally ignore a cat if it bugs you while you’re sleeping. As I said, same way your spouse does. It says to simply lie still and after several nights of your boring reaction, the cat will lose interest.

Note: This ploy only works on cats and not men. Because we NEVER give up trying to get sex at night or any other time.cats hear

4. Immediate gratification.” If you feed your cats a few minutes after rising in the morning it may be waking you to say, “Hey, it’s freakin’ daylight, (usually 5:30am) so get outta bed and dish out the food.” They suggest you fend off the cats hunger by dividing their daily meals into smaller portions spread throughout the day so that they will feel more satisfied. Thereby not bugging the hell outta you in the morning.

I’ve personally attempted this tactic but for some odd reason it doesn’t work. Which is why all five of my cats weigh 25 to 30 pounds and can easily overpower me if they want to eat. So, I just give in rather than have to go to the emergency room with severe claw marks.

5. “Lighting.” Because cats see better in the dark than humans, which is another reason you should never go naked in the dark, because they can still see you, you should minimize the lighting in your bedroom. If you leave the nightlight on, sleep with the TV flickering, (or set on Animal Planet) or have streetlights shining into your room, that may signal a cat that it’s time for fun. So attempt to minimize the lights in your bedroom.

Either that, or purchase those sleep time blindfolds humans wear and cut them down to cat size. Sharing a nightcap of Peachtree Schnapps with your cat also helps.

When all else fails, hire a Mafia hit dog.

When all else fails, hire a Mafia hit dog.

6. The final piece of advice to get your cat to stop bugging the hell outta you at night is if they have harsh reactions. Like, as I said, seeing you naked in the dark.

The article says that just like children, some cats will act up for attention…..even if that attention is you grumpily telling it to get lost. Any attention, even negative, could reinforce the cats attention-seeking behavior.

If you catch your cat knocking over the table lamp, rustling the venetian blinds, resetting the digital alarm clock on your bureau, attempting to open closet doors, playing with your underwear or barfing a hair ball on your pillow, this may be a sure sign it wants attention.

However, if you tend to have a harsh reaction to all of these antics, it can be damaging to  the cats trust in you. As hard as it is not to react to any of these situations, the cat is more likely to learn a lesson from your silence than from your annoyed antics.

Which is, in my case, “Holy crap….he didn’t react to any of our antics! He must be dead! Let’s go hog-wild and loot and pillage the entire house!”

I’ve tried this approach and will not try it again. Only because it doesn’t work in our house as evidenced by the empty “Fancy Feast” cans strewn all over the kitchen floor. Empty packets of catnip on the living room rug. Empty cat snack boxes on the sofa along with empty glasses with traces of milk. And various issues of “Cat Fancy” magazine on the end table open to centerfolds of hot looking cats in various poses.

Caught in the act at 2am in the morning....cat porno.

Caught in the act at 2am in the morning….cat porno.

So in conclusion, if you own one of these problem felines, my only suggestion would be to, as the old saying goes, “if ya can’t beat em, join em.”

If there’s anything a cat hates is having to share their food, cat snacks and catnip.

Which is why they now leave me alone.

(DONATE) The purrrfectly adorable MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link is posted below. if it is not highlighted, (blue) the cats may have scratched off the color thinking it was a cat scratching post. In that case, simply copy and paste the link into your browser to get to the PayPal site. Obviously, if your cats are keeping you awake at night, and you have nothing better to do at 2am in the morning, why not take that time to donate. Just sayin.’

Donations to this fantastic blog since January 2009 AD………( 1 )

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Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to Another Blog About Cats. Sorry, I Couldn’t Help Myself.

  1. Lesley says:

    ..sexy Germans followed by cats who don’t care about you. Diversity is wonderful,

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