Breaking News: It’s OK To Fart If You’re A Federal Employee (This is NOT A “PEW Research” poll)

farting no

You know it’s gotta be a slow day at the Associated Press newsroom when one of the top stories of the day reads, “Federal Agency Retracts Flatulence Reprimand.”

Otherwise known as retracting a fart.

And, you already know that there’s no way I could pass up this story about flatulence, which us common people refer to as “farting,.” Or if you want to appear as somewhat polite when referring to this problem, “passing gas.” Which can also be when you’re pumping gas at your local service station and farting at the same time.

“Hey Harry, did you just fart while passing gas into your gas tank?”

So here’s the “poop” on farting that caught the AP’s Jessica Gresko. It may have been the odor as well. Can’t be sure.

Apparently this federal employee, who shall remain unnamed, lest he be branded a fart offender and appear on the government’s “fart offender list,” which falls under the “Homeland Security Act,” had a problem with flatulence, (farting) while in the employ of the Social Security Administration.

Um, is it me or does anybody else see the irony of this guy working for the Social Security Administration and farting? You know, Social Security = elderly people = farting. Which is a problem a lot of elderly people have when they get up in years….fart.

Hmmm…..wonder if they have the same problem at the AARP offices?

It's not only the SSA that enforces the "no-farting" Homeland Security Act.

It’s not only the SSA that enforces the “no-farting” Homeland Security Act.

Anyhow, other employees working with this guy complained about his farting so the federal government issued a, get this, “four-page reprimand” charging him with “conduct unbecoming a federal employee.”

FOUR PAGES!!!  Are ya kidding?  Four pages to reprimand a guy who farts? What the hell is this, The “Warren Report?” Cripes, between me and my other half at our ages if we were still in the work force they’d be issuing a 26 volume smelly report.

How many freakin’ pages does it take the federal government to just tell a guy to knock off the farting? Obviously four.

Hmmm. How many federal employees does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to hold the bulb the other three to turn the guy. (this is standard operating procedure if you check the federal government’s manual on how to change a lightbulb)

Count Dracula's plan was to incapacatate his victims with a "silent but deadly" gas, then bite their throats,.

Count Dracula’s plan was to incapacitate his victims with a “silent but deadly” gas, then bite their throats.

But, since that four-page reprimand was issued because other employees did not want to work with this guy due to his farting problem, the government has had a change of heart. Or fart. Most likely because it was determined that the employee has a lactose intolerance problem which contributed to his farting problem.

Social Security Administration spokesman Mark Hinkle said Friday in a two-sentence e-mail that the reprimand was rescinded a week after it was issued, “when senior management became aware of the reprimand,” and that the agency, could not comment further because of privacy concerns.

Did ya notice that the rescinding of the reprimand statement was only two sentences long in deference to the four-page initial fart reprimand.

“Hey Ralph….did ya finish typing that statement rescinding the fart reprimand?”

“Yep, all set chief. Here it is.”

“HEY!  It’s only two sentences….WTF!”

“Oh….sorry. I would have made it as long as the initial four-page report when that guy was farting his brains out and we made him leave the office, but now that he’s back, and farting once again, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Cough…..gag….oh yeah….I see what ya mean….um, let’s get outta here…….whew!”



Now here’s the interesting part, besides taking four pages to reprimand a guy for farting. Within those four pages was an actual count of how many times the guy farted on one day in September. YES! Somebody in the Social Security office was counting farts all day long!

And ya wonder why no one at the SSA ever answers the phone when ya call and you get a recorded announcement.

“Thank you for calling the Social Security Administration. All of our representatives are currently busy at the moment counting farts. Please hold.”

Completely understandable.

About the same amount of time it take to talk to a live person at ANY government agency.

About the same amount of time it takes to talk to a live person at ANY government agency.

Now here’s a quote from the AP article word for word.

“According to the letter, (four-page report) at least three people tried to get to the bottom of the smelly situation with the employee beginning in May, when the employee’s supervisor brought up the topic during a performance discussion.”

“Sooooo. Welcome to our monthly performance discussion folks. Anyone want to start the discussion?”

“Yeah, I got a problem with Fernsnockle who works next to me in cubicle number 9. He’s constantly farting all the time and it’s not only that he’s stinking up the entire place, but he’s mastered the art of farting to the tune of “Seventy Six Trombones.”

“So, um, it’s the fart smell that’s driving all of you people outta the room and complaining?”

“No…we all fart. That’s not the problem. After all, this IS the Social Security Administration and we’re all old, and fart.”

“What is it then?”

“We’re stinkin’ sick of listening to Seventy-Six Trombones for cripes sake.”

So all is now well at the SSA office and the job of counting farts has been eliminated. That person has been assigned to latrine duty as there has been a problem with water consumption at the SSA due to the number of excessive flushes when employees use the restrooms.

A confidential source has told MisfitWisdom that a 25 page report on the flushing problem will be issued before the months’ end.

This whole story, “smells” as far as I’m concerned.

So, if you have a farting problem, please take this into consideration…(below)farts holdingLike whose ever idea it was at the AP to write this story in the first place.

Then again, so did I.

(DONATE) Yes, I know this donate link “smells” but it’s not because anyone farted. It’s because it’s so old from having been posted a gazillion times in this blog. Things begin to smell with age. However, farting and smells aside, if you care to donate to this blog simply use the MisfitWisdom PayPal link posted below. If it’s not highlighted, (blue) just copy and paste it into your browser to get to the PayPal site. Which is constantly sprayed with “Febreze” to eliminate any odors. A few old people work at PayPal.donate

Donations to this wonderful blog since January 2009 AD…………( 1 )

Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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3 Responses to Breaking News: It’s OK To Fart If You’re A Federal Employee (This is NOT A “PEW Research” poll)

  1. santostom says:

    Something smells fishy, well maybe not fishy, about this blog. I started to read it, felt a fart coming on, (I’m old, so it’s okay), but I held it in fearing someone was listening. Now I have a stomach ache and have tried to go to the bathroom, but, nothing works. So, rules or no rules, if you have to fart, let it go, as long as no one is within smell distance. If you are in a store, walk away quick,, so you are not associated with the smell. Another problem, the smell might follow you, then you’re caught with the odoriferous zephyr.
    By your brother from a different mother, separated at birth.

  2. Lesley says:

    So, there is more to be said about farting than we knew!

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