Just What We’ve Always Wanted…..An Electronic Fork.

inventions 2

Yep, just the other day I was thinking, “boy, if I only had an electronic fork I could communicate with it while I’m eating and it could communicate back with me and let me know if I’m gorging myself on food.”

Besides, living with just one other person in my house, my other half, sometimes I need more stimulating conversation at the dinner table other than, “Honeeee, the cat’s barfing.” Or, “Honeeee, look how cute the cat is sitting there.”  Or, “Honeeee, is that cat fur on your dinner plate?”

Yep, definitely need to communicate with my fork.

"Fornaforkaforcation."

“Fornaforkaforcation.”

So, lo and behold, as lo and beholding goes, a innovative company in France, “Hapilabs,” has come up with a fork for anyone who has cats, a spouse that does nothing but talk about cats, and wishes they could actually communicate with someone else that has nothing to do with cats.

This also works if you do not have a cat or a spouse that talks about cats constantly. Or, if you’re a very lonely person because you’re so butt ugly not even a cat wants to be around you.

So how does this new “I can’t live my life without this invention” work?

Well, here it is fork lovers.

According to Peter Svensson of the AP, who seems to have a name that would indicate a Nordic heritage. I can’t for the life of me figure out why a guy with a Nordic heritage would be writing about a French company for Yahoo in America. Unless he’s in Sweden or Norway on a ski trip and works for an American news service and is really an American with a Nordic name and actually speaks and writes American but understands French.

Which leads me to believe that I just wasted an entire paragraph on that stupid conclusion. Geez..

How the French first experimented with forks.

How the French first experimented with forks.

Anyhow, this guy Peter says that the way the fork works is that it contains a motion sensor, so it can, being a very smart fork, figure out when you are lifting it to your mouth. If it senses that you’re eating too fast, it warns you with a vibration and a blinking light.

Kinda like that other device that many of you may have in your bedrooms that vibrate and may or may not have a blinking light but has nothing to do with food.

Just sayin.’

Then again, maybe that’s where they got the idea from. You know how those perverted French think after using their vibrators.

“Sacre bleu!  FOOD!”

Also known as, "Forkupuncture."

Also known as, “Forkupuncture.”

Between meals the fork connects to a computer or phone, (USB cables) which will upload data on how fast you’re eating for long-term tracking.

Just be sure that it somehow does not access your Twitter of Facebook page and blabs about how fat you’re getting while it’s plugged in to your computer. Forks have absolutely no sensitivity.

So why do you need this smart fork?  Because it might be neat to have a fork that vibrates and lights up. No, that’s not why. Sorry.

The real reason is that nutritional experts recommend eating slowly because it takes about 20 minutes to start feeling full. If you eat fast, you may eat too much. The fork is also designed to space your forkfuls so that you have time to chew properly.

Yep…just what we all need. A freakin’ smart ass fork that communicates with you while you’re eating.

“Hey you fat slob. Are ya really gonna stuff more food into your freakin’ mouth? What the hell is wrong with you anyway. Put me down right now and stop eating before I take over and stab you in the damn eyeballs.”

Unfortunately this fork doesn’t have any clue about the nutritional content of your food or how big your forkfuls are and it can’t tell if you’re shoveling lard or peas into your mouth. Which ultimately means that you could actually outwit this so-called “smart fork” and tell it to go fork itself. In a manner of speaking of course.

How all this invention stuff started in the first place.

How all this invention stuff started in the first place.

The French, being somewhat known for their romantic nature, might have programmed a bit of emotional sensitivity into the forks data base. Just in case you become upset with the fork and might hurt its feelings. But, then again, with feelings, it could become aggressive and actually stab you in the eyeballs. One never knows with these new foreign inventions.

By the way. There was no mention as to if the fork understands English or if you have to learn French to communicate with it. Or perhaps just take it with you to a French restaurant.

The fork will sell for $99 and will be available in March on the group-fundraising site “Kickstarter.com” and will be shipped out sometime in April or May.

BUT! If you act now….you not only get a fork that insults you while you’re eating, keeps you company if you’re, as I said, butt ugly, and helps you ignore your spouse at the dinner table, but you’ll be on the company’s mailing list and receive information about their next new invention.  Oh Joy……

YES!  Later this year the company plans to start selling Bluetooth-enabled forks to the general public.

Hmmm. Bluetooth-enabled forks?

Does this mean that you can enable your fork via a Bluetooth? WHY?

Ohhhhh. I get it.

You’re away from home and really pissed off at your spouse for driving you nuts and rather than consider getting an expensive divorce, or hiring a hit man, you simply wait till he or she can’t resist using your new $99 Hapilab fork while you’re away, wait for the appropriate moment, around dinner or supper time, call home, and while they’re eating, issue a command via your Bluetooth……..

“Kill…..kill…….stab…..stab……..”  And you’ve got the perfect alibi.

Smart people those French.

Take that Inspector Clouseau!

And….in conclusion…….I’ve come to a fork in the road…..so this blog is finished.invent 7

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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One Response to Just What We’ve Always Wanted…..An Electronic Fork.

  1. Lesley says:

    Between meals the fork connects to a computer or phone, (USB cables) which will upload data on how fast you’re eating for long-term tracking.

    Just be sure that it somehow does not access your Twitter of Facebook page and blabs about how fat you’re getting while it’s plugged in to your computer. Forks have absolutely no sensitivity.

    Oh so true, next it will be telling the fridge not to let you open the door !

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