First of all, let’s take a look at the definition of “reality.” Which, I always thought meant, “real” for cripes sake. Here’s the most common definition according to my “MisfitWisdom Dictionary of Words You Were Too Stupid To Know The Definition Of.”
Definition of REALITY
Like in “ALIVE!!!!”
Which brings us to yet another inane reality show called, “”TLC’s Best Funeral.” Yes, a show about funerals. If ya ask me, this one should be sponsored by AARP or some term life insurance company.
“YES Folks….act now and call our 800 number and you not only receive one funeral, but TWO! Just in case you wanna take your spouse with you.”
So the premise of this show is to highlight the most off the wall funerals because, obviously, we as brain-dead TV viewers, have a craving for watching off the wall funerals.
Yep, I just said to my other half yesterday, “Ya know honey, there’s just not a lot of programs showing funerals on TV anymore. And I’m really getting tired of going to local funeral homes just so I can be entertained. Thank Gawd for this new TLC program.”
Of course the only good part about going to an actual funeral home is that there are no commercials. As in the TLC show. Unless you count the pitch the funeral director makes as you enter the door of his establishment and he says to you, “Greetings, nice of you to come, and, um, how old are you.?”
And you reply, “Why I’m 70.”
So what is it that TLC, which of course stands for, “The Learning Channel,” is supposed to be learning us this time? I would think it’s “learning us” that not too many people want to “learn” stuff on the TLC channel because it’s freakin’ boring. So they decided they’d better “learn” us stuff that isn’t really “learning” but stupid, because that’s what reality TV is and if they can make a few bucks off of “Honey Pew Pew” why not a few dead people.
For instance. Their premier episode this past week featured, (now deceased) Willie McCoy who was, and I emphasize “was” in this case, famous for, (when he was alive) singing the jingle for “Chili’s” baby back ribs on a commercial.
Of course the funeral home, “Dallas Golden Gate” and funeral director John Beckwith Jr., gets all sorts of publicity, which, as we all know, is very hard to come by when you’re dealing with stiffs all day long. Noooobody wants to know how your day went.
Their motto: “Home giving celebrations for the dead.” Honest.
My kinda night out.
So what better way for TLC, the funeral home, and everyone to honor Mr. McCoy, (no relation to the “Real McCoys”) but to have a few pigs and some livestock honoring him. Fitting don’t ya think. I suppose after the gathering, guests could feast on those four-legged creatures honoring him. Just a thought. Hey….waste not, want not.
Other honorees include an urn on a ferris wheel, a barbecue sauce fountain, (yum) funeral home employees dressed as elves, and, the best part of all, professional mourners.
“Ohhhh….sniff…..cry….cry…honk…honk…..he was such a wonderful…..sniff……gentleman….sniff. Um, who was this guy?”
Mr. McCoy did go out in style. His casket was shaped like a smoker, (which of course could later be used for those various livestock and pigs….kinda like a two for one deal) and the funeral director actually wore a chef’s hat. Nice touch don’t ya think.
So let me see if I understand all of this correctly. Reality means “the quality or state of being real.” BUT….you can be dead and still be considered a “reality” as long as you wind up dead on a reality show as long as you’re an actual “real” dead person and not some fake dummy or mannequin in a casket. Like when “Howdy Doody” passed away some years ago and they had to pull strings to make his funeral a really good reality show event.
“Look Buffalo Bob…..Howdy’s lips are still movin!”
“Yeah…. yeah……but don’t pay any attention to that man behind the casket.”
I’m tellin’ ya folks, this reality show stuff is really getting to be off the wall. You can basically do anything in life, (except write a daily blog like this one) and get to be on a reality show. Cripes….now you can even be dead!
But, I still refuse to watch any of those shows. Nope. I’m not gonna succumb to this stupid ploy by TLC and other networks to suck the intelligence outta my brain. I need all the intelligence I can get, so I’m not wasting it on watching reality shows. I have my own damn reality life I have to deal with.
And here is my weakness. UNLESS……TLC or some other channel comes up with a reality show about Hugh Hefner, (86) and his new bride, Crystal Harris, (26) that shows them during intimate moments beginning with their honeymoon night. (also sponsored by AARP or some term life insurance company)
THEN….I might be swayed into watching that reality show.
If only to observe, for scientific purposes of course, how an 86-year-old guy can get it on with a 26-year-old woman without farting in bed.
If you’re a senior….you know what I’m talking about.
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