If you own a cat, or two, or five, as I do, you already know you can’t trust the little suckers. Sure, they look so innocent with those cute big eyes and smart-looking whiskers staring back at you, but deep inside their little fuzzy brains they’re thinking about ways to drive you nuts.
And, they’re not stupid. You may think cats are really just a bunch of lazy slugs whose main purpose in life is to eat, sleep, (18-24 hours a day) and claw at your sofa. Not so. A cats main purpose in life is to annoy the hell outta you by finding a gazillion ways of annoying the hell outta you. You just can’t trust them to simply lay around and look cute.
Which is why I got my first cat in the first place. You know, companionship, an occasional pet to soothe my self being, and a purr in return for feeding them, providing them with a good home, with all of the amenities, snacks, cat beds, toys, condos, snacks, litter boxes, and barf bags. (cats cough up a lot of hairballs…..usually while you’re entertaining or are eating dinner)
But, they’re not stupid. By no means. Take for instance a cat that was arrested this past week in Sao Paulo, Brazil for aiding and abetting a bunch of hardened criminals. YES! A cat!
It seems that someone taught this kitty to smuggle stuff into the prison without being noticed and it seemed to have worked for a while. Nobody ever, including prison guards, never pays any attention to any cat walking around the prison fence.
Until one guard happened to notice that this particular cat had a cellphone. Which is unusual for a cat considering most cats do not have cellphones. Bright people these guards.
On further inspection, the guards noticed that not only did the kitty have a cell phone, but a bunch of drills, small saws, and other contraband taped to its body. Figuring that the cat was so smart to have all of this stuff, the guards also checked the cat to see if it had any car keys in the event it drove to the prison and the vehicle was to be used in a prison break.
No keys were found on the cat, but they did find an old rental car receipt from Hertz that indicated the cat once rented a Cougar. (sorry)
A spokesman for the prison, (cat interpreter most likely) says that the cat was caught on New Years Eve at the medium-security prison in the city of Arapiraca. Obviously this particular cat was not too swift in the smart cat brain department as we all know that on New Years Eve there are all kinds of police checkpoints all over the place in order to nab any cats that may be over the legal limit of catnip and completely spaced out.
Not safe to be on the road in Brazil on New Years Eve with a spaced out cat who’s overdosed on catnip.
The spokesman went on to say that 263 inmates are suspects in the smuggling attempt, (all cat lovers I suspect) and said that “it would be hard to discover who is responsible since the cat does not speak.”
In this case, if this cat gets a stiff sentence, what are they gonna give it. LIFE! Damn, cats have nine lives so what the hell is that to a cat. A walk in the ol litterbox for cripes sake.
“Soooo Morris, what did the judge give ya for smuggling that stuff into the prison?”
“Ahhh, I got a life sentence. No big deal. I still got eight left.”
Obviously this has major ramifications. As ramifications go. Now that the word is out that cats can be trained to participate in prison breaks or smuggling activities I see a rise in crime involving cats. Homeland Security now needs to put cats on their list of suspected criminals. Cats need to be screened at airports and buildings as well. Suspicious looking cats hanging around buildings and alleys should be reported to the authorities.
Congress needs to pass new laws regulating the use and sale of catnip. And any cat with a cell phone should be considered suspicious. Unless it’s Cat Stevens or Cat Ballou.
I have, as should all of you who own a cat, immediately conduct a cat strip search of any cats residing in your home lest you be caught off guard and find yourself being held hostage by an armed cat demanding catnip or other goodies.
So far, in my own strip down cat search, I’ve uncovered a number of potentially dangerous items. A mechanical mouse which could be used to attack me in the middle of the night. Traces of cat litter in my bedroom which could ultimately be a diabolical plan to make me slip on that stuff and become incapacitated and they are able to take over the house. Strategically placed hairballs near the dinner table so that I have to immediately pick them up thereby allowing any one of the five cats to seize my fish dinner. And a fully loaded 45 caliber paw. (really gotta trim their cat nails)
The next thing ya know, they’ve got it all wrapped around you and you’re suddenly a hostage subject to any of their demands.
Like handing over all of the catnip.
(Thanks to “What’sIT” from “Sodahead” for posting this really meowy video)
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