So why am I on this subject today? I’m in an overload talking funny and sounding funny meltdown mode after many years of living with a woman who drives me nuts because she tells ME I talk funny. Why? Because I’m a dyed in the wool New Englander, (Rhode Island….which, for you geographically deficient people reading this, is NOT actually an island)
And my other half is a partially dyed in the wool (gasp) Southerner, (West Virginia, which, is nowhere near the West and does not have any cowboys or members of the Bush family living there)
So, being from R.I. we have no use for certain letters in the alphabet. R. I. is very small so why take up a lot of space using the entire alphabet when people in that state understand what you say anyhow. For instance, we have no use for the letter “A” in a lot of things.
If you’ve ever watched a Red Sox game and heard announcer Jerry Remy pronounce Dustin Pedroia’s name, he pronounces it, “Pedroirer,” and Tampa Bay as “Tamper Bay.” Or when my other half asks me a question and I answer, “I have no idear.”
SEE! All of you know perfectly clear what the hell Jerry and I were saying. So why use a that letter “A” all the time. It’s useless here in New England.
Take those Southerners….like Ms. Misfit. Who uses sentences like, “Do you not want to go out tonight?” Or, “It’s pouring down the rain.” Or pronounces the word, “cow” as cahw.
Now obviously she has a minor disability called “Southernsoundinghicksanitus.” Which, you can spot very easily by observing Senator Lindsey Graham, (R-SC) and Senator Mitch McConnell, (R-KY) whenever they appear on TV and try to sound sincere while the rest of us who do not have that speaking affliction have immediate flashbacks to the TV program, “Hee Haw.”
So I not only have “Hee Haw” flashbacks watching those two senators, but I’m living with one of them. Not a Senator, but a funny sounding type person.
How the hell do ya take anyone who sounds like that serious! Really! Unless you’re Southern. In which case, you probably think us Northerners sound funny. BUT. Keep in mind just how many Southern states there are with regard to the entire other 50 states.
Um, except for those people up there in Minnesota, North Dakota and South Dakota. They have an entirely different language up there. Can’t fool me. I’ve seen the movie “Fargo.” So there!
So, what to do? Simple. I gave her this following reading test just to see if she could read it. If you’re from the South, or one of those two Senators, might wanna try this too:
“Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy , it deosn’ mattaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.”
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Fcuknig amzanig huh?”
So if you understood that entire paragraph, why the fcuk do “I” need to use “A’s?”
And if you’re one of those Southerners who didn’t understand it, don’t feel too bad. My other half didn’t either. Which is one reason I don’t let her edit my blogs anymore.
I’ve tried. Gawd knows I’ve tried to purge that Southern accent from her. Nothing works. Cow is still cahw. It’s still pouring down the rain. I guess I just have to live with it. Another point. Thank Gawd her shiftless brother (below) lives thousands of miles away.
And I say that only because we were once invited to a wedding, but, upon receiving the invitation, (below) and not owning a gun, or the fact that I’m kinda shiftless myself, I declined the invitation.
But I must tell you. She’s the one who spends the most time with our five cats. Feeds them talks to them….stuff like that. Which is fine.
BUT. The very first time one of those cats says “meowy’all,” I’m outta here.
And I’m not fcuking kidding.
And now, a very touching and sentimental Southern song…….
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