Cough…..cough…cough…oops….scuse me. I just had my two morning candy cigarettes after my cup of coffee and now I’m already coughing. Hack….hack.
I know. I know. Candy cigarettes can be hazardous to my health but I’m addicted to them. Yep. It all started in kindergarten when all of the other kids were sneaking off into a corner and catching a few bites of those candy cigarettes. It was all downhill from there.
But thank Gawd I don’t live in St. Paul, Minnesota where it’s considered a misdemeanor and you could be issued a citation for $500 bucks if you’re caught selling those candy cigarettes to minors. Why? Because eating candy cigarettes will eventually lead to kids eating real cigarettes. Maybe, according to St. Paul authorities. Even, (gasp) smoking them.
We all know that once you eat a candy cigarette the next step is wanting to eat a real one. The warnings right on the side of those candy packages for all kids to see.
“Warning: Eating candy cigarettes can be hazardous to your health you little twerp. Don’t ya know you can get tooth decay, insatiable cravings for more candy and worst of all, candy addiction for a lifetime.”
The store in St. Paul, “Lynden’s,” has already received a warning. One more infraction of selling cigarette candy to a minor and it’s $500 bucks bozos.
“But officer, can I still sell real cigarettes?”
“Oh yeah, we don’t give a flyin’ smoke about those. It’s the candy ones that’ll kill ya.”
Someone wrote a letter to the local paper that read: “I just got through a bag of gummy bears. Now I can’t stop thinking about where to find a REAL bear to eat.”
Yes. See! See what candy addictions can do to ya. I can completely relate to this problem in St. Paul. Just last week I ate a “Butterfinger” candy bar and had a strong desire to lick my fingers. What next? Licking other people’s fingers. And what about “Almond Joy” and “Mounds.” Yeah….sometimes I feel like a nut, other times I don’t. Why? Why? What’s wrong with me. Why can’t I just be normal?
All candy should be banned. Thank Gawd they’ve got the courage to recognize this problem in St. Paul.
I never completely understood my own addiction that started with eating those candy cigarettes. Now I understand completely what’s been happening to me all these years.
I eat an M & M and before ya know it I have a severe case of alphabettitus…..the urge to use the entire alphabet when writing a blog but using more M’s in sentences. And it doesn’t stop there either. Scarf down a “M-M-M-M-M-Mary Jane” candy and I’m addicted to any woman named Mary Jane.
“Puleeeeeeese….can I taste you……….puleeeeeeese…”
“Get outta here ya damn pervert!”
And what about those “Skittles.” I eat a bag of those suckers and all of a sudden I get skittish. Eat a “Snickers” bar and I get a case of the snickers……uncontrollable laughing at stupid jokes. I don’t EVEN wanna tell ya what happens when I eat a bunch of “Hershey’s Kisses”. All I can say is that thank Gawd I had bail money.
The worst are those boxes of “Goobers.” I overdid it one night when I fell off the candy wagon and found myself searching for episodes of “Mayberry RFD” just to catch a glimpse of Goober. Damn you “Goobers.”
One can only be thankful that there’s not a candy named, “Gomer.”
I finally cured my candy addiction by eating “Milk Duds,” because somehow they don’t affect me. Probably because they’re duds and non addictive.
So St. Paul may be on the right track here with regards to candy cigarettes. Robert Humphrey, spokesman for the city’s Safety and Inspections Department, (has nothing to do with condoms) says that he gets a lot of complaints concerning the sale of candy cigarettes and other sugary tobacco-themed products. A whopping one call a year. Surely enough to call out a candy cigarette busting SWAT team.
Once again, a “bite” outta major crime in St. Paul.
“OK Johnny……back away from those Rasinets, slowly place them on the table, and nobody will get addicted.”
“NO….Noooooooooo ya dirty copper…..ya ain’t takin’ my Raisinets. (crunch, crunch, gobble, gobble, swallow….gulp) so THERE!!”
“Too bad kid. Now it’s off to the detox center.”
“Can I at least have a candy cigarette before you haul me away?”
“No way…get a grip will ya kid. Those are only for adults.”
(Note to Kindle owners) MisfitWisdom’s first book, “I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love and Love Got In The Way,” is now available to purchase on Amazon’s kindle site for only a measly $3.99. Here’s your chance to find out the true story of MW and how I could have been famous but ended up writing this stupid blog instead. A real tearjerker.
You can also go to Amazon’s site and use the “look inside” option for a quick peek.
(DONATE) The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link is posted below. I really count on all of you blog readers to make a donation to help me support my candy addiction. Please! Please! I can’t help myself. Please! I promise I’ll seek help…um…..soon…or…um…in the near future. I promise. Honest. If the link is not highlighted, (blue) it may be obscured by chocolate. (gorging myself on Peppermint Patties as I’m writing) Just copy and paste the link into your browser and hope the chocolate doesn’t prevent you from getting to the PayPal site. (munch)
Donations since January 2009 AD……………( 1 ) (Come on for cripes sake….I’m running low on M & M’s)
Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV
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